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BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 5/25/2009 9:22 AM (GMT -7)   
So, after all i've been through with my husband, he's leaving me... I don't get it...what did i do wrong?


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN

Post Edited (BD_spouse) : 6/2/2009 10:20:21 AM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/25/2009 9:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hang on... what's the story? Is it for sure? Like he's packing his bags and out the door?
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/25/2009 9:49 AM (GMT -7)   
BD_Spouse - YOU didn't do anything wrong. Your H is ill with a condition called Bipolar and he is not well at this moment. It doesn't matter that he is out of the hospital, you have contended with much over these last weeks on all fronts. It is certainly not enough time for things to have truly stabilized for him - even if he has had a few good days seeming like the man you love. Bottom line, his is probably scared and running, and until he stops and gets brave enough to face this disease full on, you would never get your life with him back. You cannot face this for him, and you cannot get him to face it if he does not want to. ONLY he can do this. Right now he is looking for something or someone to blame for it all, and right now you are the closest target. I assure you the best thing you can do for you is to reorganize your life for you and your kid(s), and get on with it without him for now. If he truly wants to leave, you need to let him. Tell him, “you will not stop him, but that you love him and are willing to try to work through this all with him. IF he does not want that, than you will give him 6 months to change his mind, after that you are moving on and letting go and getting on with finding happiness again in your life. You hope he realizes that his kids need him to be brave enough to face it all, because they need a father who is consistent and present in their lives in the healthiest state he can be and that he comes back." If he doesn't come back, most likely he will spend his life running now....it is sad, but true I think.

You and your kid(s) deserve happiness and it is tragic what your family is going through. But it is now up to you to pick up the pieces and create a new life for you all that is emotionally healthy and will bring joy, stability and balance. I will hold nothing but good thoughts for you all. Work to make YOUR choices that will give the best long term results for you all. While your H is responsible for what he does here, so are you. Hang in there....the sun will shine for you again in time....LFW

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 5/25/2009 10:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you LFW, I will try to draw strength from your words. I just feel so devastated. I did everything for him, everything - it just feels like he shouldn't get that right to decide to leave. Right now he's still in the mental health facility. He's getting an inheritance from his grandfather's passing, but because of his history with money, his parents won't give him the full amount of money so they are splitting it between him and i 60/40 with the 10% difference being put into a term deposit for the future. So with his share, he told them he wants them to pay for a damage deposit and first months rent on a new place. So he'll be coming home this weekend to pack his belongings (and scramble to find something I guess, but there's lots out there right now, so i've been told) and then will be gone for the first of the month. Just like that. We, no HE said on the weekend we wouldn't make any decisions until we knew what was happening with that money (whether or not he'd get anything and how much) but just like that, he makes a decision and informs me on the way to a family get together. There was no way I could keep it together and I left w/o telling anyone just so I could clear my head. When I got back, he was talking to my mom out by the cars... and I know she's right, I can't make him stay but I think this is another episode he's having. He's been manic for some time and when I spend time with him I can still see it. Maybe they can't, but I know him. He tells me constantly he still loves me, but then why is he leaving? The boys are devastated... so much so that our oldest wants to live with him. Of course I said no because of his Dad's instability and there is no way i'll let my 8 year old become responsible for his Dad in the case of an episode...
I'm just so hurt... I want to be sick all the time. I feel like i've been punched in the stomach and can't believe this is happening...
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 5/25/2009 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   
BD...I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Bipolar is no fun on either end. It is too bad that one of the main problems of bipolar is to be hasty with things....doing without thinking. Many times you end up regretting things soon after. I am sorry that he is not taking more time to become more regulated before making huge decisions like this.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch


hecatol
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 5/25/2009 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
So sorry to hear this. I'm going through the same with my wife; she's been halfway out the door a couple of times since she got out of the hospital. I'm just hoping and praying I can convince her to stay long enough for the meds to work, and I hope and pray the same for you.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/25/2009 8:56 PM (GMT -7)   
BD_Spouse, Wellness is something it is acceptable for a spouse to expect and demand from the ill spouse. If you want your power back, don't let this be his decision alone, make some for yourself, such as...."you are not allowed back unless you are ready to work your tail off and gain control over this illness and become part of your own solution, I will stand by you if you do this….but you must become part of your own solution and become well enough to be a responsible part of this relationship and own the damage you have caused to me, our marriage, our family – and begin work to repair it...and until such time as you are stable and consistent for a long enough period of time to earn my trust back along with this family's…you are not welcome here - so you DO need to pack up."

THEN....get yourself and those kids into therapy immediately, and work with a responsible therapist with the three of you so you do not become the obstacle your kids view they have to get around to see their dad. They will need help to come to understand that dad is ill and unless he can show he is consistent and responsible enough to keep them safe, his time with them will have to be controlled. That dad's illness is the enemy, not you. When he is in a well state, they can see him. When he is not, time with him will be less.

You will gain control within yourself when you recognize that your own power is in the healthy decisions you make right now. And you CAN choose how to respond to all this. You do not need to be at the effect of it, but empowered to face your family's hard truths and recognize that if you don't take control for yourself....how your life is right now - at the effect of his disorder - will be your life forever more if you don't. Now ask yourself do you want that? Because sadly, the life you once had that made you happy before the condition fully reared its head, is gone for today. NO ONE knows if they would ever return really. So ask yourself, do you want this life as it is now? If you say no, then recognize there is no shame in that. YOU TOO are entitled to happiness, and to feel loved, taken care of at times, and have the presence of a true partner in your life.

Hang in there, and get honest for you all. I will hold good thoughts for you. LFW

BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 5/26/2009 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
BD Spouse,
I am SO sorry to hear you are going through all of this right now. First of all, you know deep down that you didn't do anything wrong but I understand how you might think that right now. Try to think of all the good qualities you have.

I know that when my BP husband is manic, he constantly tells me that he's divorcing me and taking his half of our savings. Then he'll tell me that he loves me more than anything. And when I do get him in the hospital to get stablized it takes almost a week before the meds kick in and then he stops saying anything about leaving me. What my husband says when he is manic is awful and hurts me very deeply.

You mentioned that your husband is still in a mental health facility so I'm guessing that he spoke to your mom before he went in. If so, you may want to wait a couple of days before you speak to your kids about a divorce, as it sounds like he needs to stablize. If your husband is saying these things to you while in a manic episode, he may not truly mean them. I suppose my advice is not to make any decisions until he is stable because it sounds like he isn't. Once he does stabilize, then talk to him about what he said to you. But, you should speak to a therapist to help you get through your feelings now.

I agree with LFW in that when you do talk to him, let him know that in order for your marriage and your children to survive, he needs to do his part. Asking him to try and show improvement is not too much. Perhaps he can stay with a relative until YOU are ready for him to come home. It may take a week, a month or maybe longer but the end result will be worth it - no matter what that is.

We are here for you! And I truly wish you all the best, as I know exactly where you are right now. It's devastating to see someone hurt themselves when they don't have to.

BPWife

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 5/26/2009 6:37 PM (GMT -7)   
BD Spouse,

Thinking of you and wondering how things are going. This is truly tragic, and all to familiar for the many bipolar spouses on this board. I'm so sorry you're going through it now. Remember it's VERY likely he's going to want to come back. How are you going to deal with that? LFW makes some excellent points about maintaining your sense of power and the children's sense of stability throughout their father's illness.

Best wishes.
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 5/27/2009 10:01 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know how I feel.  There are some days when I feel really strong and good about things and happy to get some stability back into mine and my kids' lives.  Have a more peaceful home and not have to walk on egg shells - but the other part of me is scared to death.  Especially b/c he'll be home all this weekend packing and stuff.  My oldest knows what is going on, and you know what he said to me the other day?  "Mom, if Dad leaves, then it won't be all about him anymore, right?"
I mean, how heart wrenching is THAT?  But also, he's excited to spend weekends with his Dad where it will just be one on one time together.  I think it will be hard to actually watch him pack and leave, i mean, he is still my husband - but we're going to continue with counselling and stuff and maybe he'll come back???  Or, maybe i'll be able to move on?  I am hoping for a reconciliation - but then again, maybe we'll work better apart and can still be married?  Just because we don't live under the same roof doesn't mean we can't be happily married, right? 
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 5/27/2009 5:39 PM (GMT -7)   
BD_Spouse, you child said it all. You need to see life from his point of view....right now, he is sharing that he and his sibling(s) take a back seat to their father and it doesn't feel good. IMAGINE the lesson that is teaching your children about how important THEY are to you and the world. I point this out because you seem so hopeful that you could live apart and still be "happily" married. SO I have to ask you.....Is that the life YOU want? Is that the type of marriage YOU have desired? Would that REALLY fulfill YOUR needs? Let alone, what does that teach your children in the end about what an intimate HEALTHY relationship is? Does that strike you as the healthiest way to go for them with the message it would send? I know these are hard questions to answer. There are moments you feel like you would sell your soul to just have a snippet of a life with someone, verses no life with them anymore at all anymore. I can only ask you, meant with nothing but total respect for you....don't you deserve for yourself better than that? Don't your kids? To have the healthiest co-parent relationship with someone you don't live with is one thing...working with respect, compassion, and care together on behalf of your kids...a true parenting team where there is deep abiding friendship between the parents. Good - that is the way it SHOULD be if parents are no longer married. But to be locked in a marriage like that, and show the kids such a separate experience of what an intimate healthy relationship is I believe would cheat you all the lives you could have. I know times are rough right now, perhaps seeing a therapist for yourself would be good to help you through this? There are many choices to be made, and I wish you nothing but clarity, and the strength to get honest with yourself about in the end what is going to be right for you all to be happy really happy. Honesty about what you really want in your life with someone. Best wishes....LFW

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 6/2/2009 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone for the kind words and support.

So last night was night #1 without him and i'm feeling oddly strong? I mean, I'm the one that found the apartment for him, took him to furnish it (but NOT pay for it!!) and helped move his stuff out of my house... we've had a couple of really good talks and either way, this is what we need right now. We both feel it's a little weird and openly said so up until the moment he left, but we've both found that when we aren't together 24/7 we're the best of friends. It's just so unhealthy the way we fight in front of the boys and they need some peace for a while.
I'm not 100% anymore that it's his illness making this decision, I think he's thinking with a clear head and realizes that his instability is really hard on us - not on purpose - but that's what bipolar is. So I have to respect him on that level.
Today i'm strong and tomorrow is a new day and I'm hoping to be just as strong, but in a teeny tiny way, I'm happy the way things turned out. I know I was desperate for him to stay, but as time went on (and i talked to my counsellor) I really had to ask myself why I felt so guilty for wanting to be happy? I love him to death and I know he loves me and I think we'll work this out, I really do, but right now we need the space to re-connect on a deeper level. We need to rediscover who we are as individuals and as a couple because the diagnosis has really thrown us both.
I blatantly told him I do not want a divorce and he agrees that if we can work it out, then let's do it. We're both committed to our wedding vows of being true and faithful to each other... but on the other hand, if he falls off the wagon, I'm not going to be there to feel the effects of it directly and he's going to have to learn to stand on his own two feet and not be so codependent on me.

Today... is a good day!

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do."
--
MARK TWAIN


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/2/2009 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
BD-Spouse,

Good for you. What strength you have mustered in the face of true sadness. I'm so proud of you for looking deep and deciding what was also best for you and the kids as well as for him. It's good for him to learn to stand on his own; I hope he learns to do it.

Lean on your support system for help (your therapist, your family) keeping you sane and helping the boys understand. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 6/3/2009 8:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Serafena, it's still really weird with him gone, but i don't feel like i'm walking on egg shells anymore!
Life is either a daring adventure... or nothing
-Helen Keller


SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 6/3/2009 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm not being a smarty but do these people with BP take medications??The meds do work but they need to be taken.........Some don't like to take pills I know but don't they want to be better?

SnowyLynne


loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 6/3/2009 5:05 PM (GMT -7)   
BD_Spouse.....Clearly, taking your power back works for you.  You sound like you are doing GREAT!  I am so very pleased for you.  REGARDLESS of the final outcome, you will be fine.  And your kids will be the better for the steps you have taken to work towards everyones stability and happiness.  Even you H's.  Good for you all.  LFW

BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 6/4/2009 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   
BD Spouse,
I too took the "tough love" route with my husband when he was hospitalized in April. As you may remember, it was SOO hard, but I had to do it. Like LFW said, you need to get your power back. It's not power over him, it's power over yourself and letting him know that although you love and support him, you will not allow yourself to be treated poorly and you need to take care of you (and your kids) first.

I do hope it all works out for you. What you did is very brave. I know you would love for him to come home and everything be great. Perhaps he needs some time alone to figure out how much you have been loving and supportive of him.

I wish you the BEST of luck. Keep us posted.

BD_spouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 175
   Posted 6/4/2009 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi SnowyLynn - I can't speak for everyone, but yes my husband takes his meds.  It's taken a while now to find ones that work and it is hard to tell until they start working that they actually work - if that makes sense (i'm sure it does) - I guess it's just hard to have that waiting period for when they actually DO start to work.  Before I had to remind him 3x a day to take his meds, then he went to the mental facility and they gave him his meds 3x a day but now, he has to rely on himself to be responsible for his own meds.
 
Life is either a daring adventure... or nothing
-Helen Keller


M&M
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 6/11/2009 12:26 AM (GMT -7)   
I can not remember where I got these quotes from but I never forgot them....
 
 
"God dosent give you the people you want he gives you the people you need to help you, hurt you, leave you, and love you and make you into the person you were meant to be"
 
another one was
 
"I man worth your tears would never make you cry"
 
I will tell you from personal expereince sometimes what seems like the worse thing ever can end up being the best thing that ever happened in your life..I am sorry and I hope you are doing better but everything happend for a reason and I know that there is a plan out there for you...
 
Everyday will get easier..
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