Thanks everyone for your input. It is good to have a place I can talk about things like this with people who understand what is going on.
Tonight I again asked my husband to contact his pdoc's office. He says he called on Monday, and the nurse practioner wasn't available and the pdoc wasn't available, and he didn't think it would be polite to leave a message or suggest that he really needed to see someone right away. He says he knows what he's doing and I have to let him handle it - he says it's a basic difference between me and him, that he is polite and knows how to deal with people, whereas I would just keep asking till I got someone who could help, even if it got the nurse practioner "in trouble." I said that this was a medical situation, and of course I would do what it took to get in touch with someone who could help! The nurse practioner is out with a family emergency, so certainly the office staff understands that some patients might need to see someone while she's gone - that shouldn't get her in trouble!
Our conversation turned into an argument. He accused me of being mentally ill and said a lot of ugly things about me - which he said he hadn't said at the time they happened, because he was just being "polite." Among the things he thinks show how unstable I am are that I feel sad that my oldest son is graduating and getting ready to leave home, I want to get our home looking nice for the graduation party on Sunday, and I tripped and fell on some uneven pavement while we were walking the dog a few nights ago. I kept stressing that I wasn't attacking HIM, that he just wasn't himself. That I loved him, but I didn't like the way he was acting. He just rolled his eyes and said who gave me the right to say how he was functioning? I said that he had asked me to let him know when he was acting differently, several times. He had even told the nurse practioner (when he was in a manic state) that he was grateful that I agreed to do this for him, because he knew he needed that kind of outside check on how he was doing. He said that was not true, that he didn't want a "gatekeeper." I kept trying to say that I just want to see him get help, that I had been so hopeful when the meds were working, it was so wonderful to see him being happy and acting like himself again. All that just made him madder. As often happens when he's like this, he wants specifics of HOW he's acting that make me think something is wrong. Then, when I tell him, he says that I am exaggerating or else there are a million things like that he could say about me, but is too polite to mention, or that I am just picking on him and he's trying hard and I have no right to criticize and he would do better if I just left him alone. Today I was more prepared mentally than usual and didn't get upset. I just kept telling him it wasn't about me, he had asked for examples of his behavior and I was giving them to him - he could do with that information what he wanted - but I wasn't going to listen to him trying to push my buttons. I also told him that I couldn't control what he did, and that if he didn't want to act on what I was telling him, that was his choice - but that choice would have consequences, as I couldn't keep pretending everything was normal when it wasn't. He could do what he wanted, but he had to understood I also had that same choice, and my choice would be to distance myself from him and to intervene when he showed poor parenting judgment. Finally, he just went to sleep.
I do think it's best just to leave him alone, but at the same time, I do want him to get help.