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kiz
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/19/2009 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   
anyone find it difficult to have a relationship. i am in a long term relationship..14 years, we are married and have 3 kids. we went through a v.bad patch after my 2nd child. anyhow, i am back to being fed up again. i have started taking meds and hope they will be of some help. i am going to reg councelling..for me. my husband doesnt have  a problem and makes a point of telling me am the one wih the problem. anyhow, i feel that we are off balance when am distant hes suffociating, when hes close am distant. he claims i've zoned out the last couple of days. we had a major argument..over nothing really. and i really reaslised how hurt he is and how he is trying but never seems to get it right. i dont know if its my bi polar, our relationship, him, me..what? i am completely off intimacy with him and just not interested..and find it is beginning to get at me the fact that i am just not into it. and to be quite honest havent been for ages..years maybe. anyhow, any suggestions on how to ride through these bad waves. I cant tlk to him cos i feel we are just going over old ground. and that he is completly exzasperated at this stage by me, my suggestions etc. i can see hes trying but he never seems to get it right. I told him i dont want things..material things..waht i would like is a date with my husband but he just doesnt seem to get it. my mum could b.sit. i am fed up arranging our "nites" out. and would like him to do it for a change. as i said i have mentioned this more than once. so maybe i should just sit it out..#tanks for listening.. sad

poodles
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 180
   Posted 6/19/2009 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   
relationships are hard. They would be hard in a perfect setting with perfect people simply because they involve more than one personality.
Yeah, my husband and I have had more ups and downs than should be ours. We have played the chase and run game you mention(suffucation versus distance). There have been times when he couldn't get anything right. I have learned to give him a break if things aren't just like I want them. It used to hurt me alot that he didn't make a big deal of our anniversary, or valentine's day. But I have learned to enjoy that he gives me special days, and does special things for me anytime he feels like it...which is quite often! It used to be that he didn't give just the right reaction to my "needs" or "wants", my emotions. I learned the hard way that we actually have a better relationship if I don't try to choreograph each encounter.
Let go a little. Let him be himself, and let him react to life in his own way. Find the things about him that you like. You will start feeling more affection for him if you allow him to be himself, and not take it personally. You said he is trying hard. Start there. Be grateful and gracious to him for trying.
I hope you both learn to dance this relationship dance. It is really worthwhile.
Vickie

Fibromyalgia, Bipolar II, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Arthritis, High Blood Pressure, etc.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/19/2009 8:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Kiz,

I think to some extent poodles is absolutely right. All long-term relationships have to find their ways through this stage. My husband and I have had this very same talk. I know exactly what you're talking about. Is it just the bipolar? I really don't think so, but I know that like most things, bipolar certainly makes it harder.

It's good you're back on your meds and seeking counseling, but as far as relationships go, it's always a two way street. I would really work on getting him into a marriage counselor with you. It might be hard, but it could open things up for you two to work on together.

Good luck,

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


kiz
New Member


Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 6/21/2009 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks serafena and poodles for replies. things are better again lately after a decent open chat. funny how just when we seem to reach a dead end we somehow unravel after and frustration and there is a perfect sorta calm and knowing that happens..anyhow, i just wish when we are in the mist of the tornado/twisted fog that I could rember that this is just another knot that will in time be unravelled in our relationship..anyhow, thanks for your encouragement..on and upwards. Until the next knot...

Wes001
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/21/2009 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
"anyhow, i just wish when we are in the mist of the tornado/twisted fog that I could remember that this is just another knot that will in time be unraveled in our relationship"

This strikes a chord in me.

I'm 36, divorced for 6 years (2 kids with her), months ago broken up with my girlfriend of 5 yrs (2 kids with her) and just a few weeks ago had a meltdown, ended up driving across across Ca to Lake Tahoe,, for no reason other than I could not think straight, just felt like running from everyone and everything. For some stupid reason I called my exGirlfriend and got back together with her (drove back across Ca to where she lives). Within hours I was doubting that decision, within days we were broken up again. I basically cut off all contact from the woman I had been dating, who is the most spectacular person I've ever met. Now she will have nothing to do with, and I don't blame her. This all before I'd ever spoken with anyone about possible mental health issues. 2 weeks ago I saw a Therapist after I started looking up my behavior patterns online and I found BP2. The 2 docs I've seen agree with the diagnosis. I started meds on Friday, and basically feel like I'm holding my breath, hoping this discovery and treatment will allow me to be me (though I'm not sure at this point who ME really is)

Anyway, I can't blame Bipolar for all my actions, I do know right from wrong, but it's like I would get into the states of mind where I could NOT determine what was right or wrong FOR ME. Then the stress of it all would cause me to shut down or lash out verbally, freak out in general. Everything, every sound or smell or thought felt overwhelming. My patience with everyone dropped to nill. I withdrew $600 from my bank account (to this day not sure why) got in my car and just drove, ending up in Tahoe.

Now I'm not in a relationship. The woman I'd been dating can't get over what I did, no matter how much I try to explain. I don't think I would be able to get over it either if I were her.

Ugh, so ya "Love", I'm certain it is not a fantasy idea, not a fictitious concept dreamed up to explain certain chemical and hormonal reactions in our bodies, it IS more than that, bigger than that... but it certainly appears to be something I won't be able to enjoy. Bleh that sounds so pathetic. It's amazing how I can be the eternal optimist and darkest pessimist at the same time.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 6/21/2009 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Wes001,

Welcome to the bipolar board and to HealingWell. It sounds like you had a low moment and you made some bad decisions. Most of us bipolars have been there. Take a while to let the medicine kick in (it'll be weeks) and for the situation to cool down. Then try and have another chat with your girlfriend. Explain about the bipolar. If she can't handle it, you have your answer. I'm sorry for your troubles, but sometimes this is a cruel way of finding out who is strong enough to hang on through the hard times and who isn't.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Wes001
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/21/2009 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Serafena, that's a hard pill to swallow, but I will.
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