"my breathing is fast,
my heart pounds hard,
my head it aches,
and my mind is at race.
i focus and sit still,
hoping the end will soon be near.
im tired, i'm weak…
sometimes i just want to scream!
my moods they're way up and high
and sometimes they're low…low to the ground,
mind is racing and still won't quit,
help me Lord before i slip!
i wish this pain would go away,
but i know i have to live and let it stay.
i'm not doing this for me you see,
i'm living for you,
so you will be free,
not like me… wrapped up in this insanity!"
I'm glad that you will be staying with your MIL. I'm sure we can all pull together around here to help keep things afloat for a while. But we need you too...so many of us depend on your words of wisdom!
I will be sending positive thoughts your way. Don't worry about applying to any posts for now. Focus on taking care of yourself and we all would want to help in that, so maybe you can give us updates on JUST HOW YOU ARE DOING! (((Big Warm Hugs))) ~sukay~
(((Hugs))) Please know that I am thinking of you!~sukay~
I'm glad today is a little better for you. How wonderful that your FIL took you and your daughter to the butterfly house this morning. What a wonderful way to start your day.
I hope that helped re-energize you some, surrounded by all the grace and beauty and peacefulness that the butterfly emits. I hope that you too will be able to emerge from your cocoon and fly bright and free like the butterfly in all its beauty.
Every trial makes us stronger. May your higher power continue to carry you through with butterfly wings.
Wow, the lows must be goin' around. I am about an inch above where you are, sinking closer. While I can barely type any of this right now, it is important for you to know how much I am thinking of you through this. I've said this before, but you've been through a lot recently, and I wish none of it happened. But you are strong and you can get through this.
While I am feeling what you are feeling in this very moment, I am thinking back to my bp support group and all the things I need to be doing right now battling these symptoms. So, I am going to say, do soothings things for yourself, take a bath, take a walk (you are so lucky you have your MIL...I am totally alone in this right now....sorry this isn't about me, but I just want you to lean on your support that you have there b/c without it this would be so much harder). Try to distract yourself, surround yourself with people, best not to be alone. So glad you went to see pdoc today, I hope that went well. This will pass, I promise. Until then, remember we are all here hangin' in with ya.
Many, many hugs to you and a smiley face!
PS, Sukay your posts touched me as well.
Serafena, and anyone else who is where you are right now (hint, hint....Mogs! I don't care what you are "feeling" it is time to use your "override" controls and simply remove that option from the table. You know I had a dear friend of mine in January do exactly what you are both saying. I have NO doubt that she was feeling EXACTLY what you are, only she didn't stop herself. Be proud that you are taking the steps you are to ensure your safety, but remove that option from your table. You are welcome to "FEEL" that way (as your bp is rearing its head....it is JUST a symptom and does not need to be given more power than that), but create the action of HOSPITAL verses suicide in your mind when those feelings come. REPLACE the thoughts by saying to yourself....,”AH...I am feeling suicidal - I need to take myself to the hospital...NOW,”...Then PASS GO…collect your $200 and GO STRAIGHT THERE....
While I am not bp, I too am in a very dark hard place right now. I need to get away from my job and for the first time in my life am experiencing anxiety attacks, chest pains, shortness of breath, poor coping skills...etc....and stress at a levels beyond my ability to control. Very unlike me. I see a pdoc today and will probably go out on disability for work related stress due to my bosses abuse. I share this only to let you know I DO understand your struggles right now, to share you are not alone, and remind you we will ALL get through this if we put one foot in front of the other and just take the steps one at a time to gain either the help we need, or take the healthy actions required. Then, like walking through a swamp....we will get to the other side, dust ourselves off, and take a deep breath and then we will keep going but outside the muck, the sun will shine, the birds will sing….yada-yada
HANG IN THERE....let the butterflies float away your troubles and keep holding on to your daughter. ANY action you do is what you teach your daughter...let her ALWAYS learn the right way to handle ANY problem or FEELING in her life...hold on to loved ones, reach out when you need help, accept the help, and learn to trust yourself no matter what to keep you safe and show her that no problem is unsolvable - there is a brighter day that will always come. Just like you are doing. Because otherwise all she learns is to give up when times are tough. And times, bp or not, will always get tough in life. She will always then think that suicide is a perfectly acceptable option....which of course it is not. Once that cruel line is crossed, it can't be taken back, the damage is done to her, and if you notice....once Pandora’s box is opened in a family....through their history....you will see that many families have endured more than one incident of this because the message is - give more power to your FEELINGS than your ACTIONS. The problem is....FEELINGS come and go....results from ACTIONS don't. They can sometimes be corrected, but once an action is done, it is done.
BIG HUGS TO YOU SERAFENA...BREATHE....Keep on doing it right! LFW
I'm really sorry for all that you are going through but I totally understand that you need to do what you need to do.
I'm glad that you are going to get the help that you need.
I will keep positive thoughts for you the whole time you are away.
(((BIG HUGS))) Take care and I hope this all works out well for you. I will miss you but I know that you will be on the road to healing!