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MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/18/2009 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
HELLO,FIRST TIME HERE BUT GLAD I FOUND THIS SITE I NEED TO KNOW IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW MUSH OF THE BP IS REPOSSIBLE FOR MY WIFE WANT TO SEEK OUT SOMEONE ELSE TO BE WITH SHE SEEMS TO WANT SEX & NOT FROM ME

ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 8/18/2009 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm the spouse of a person with BP. Fortunately my love doesn't want to stray. She has other manic behaviors.

These are my observations only. I've done a huge amount of reading and I haunt multiple boards in an attempt to understand as much as I can what my wife is going through.

The disorder can make the person prone to impulsive and risky behaviors. That doesn't mean that they don't have control. Its a choice that is made to act on the behaviors.

The spouses and significant others are someone with bipolar disorder bear the brunt of the disdain, frustration, anger, etc. People in your position (and mine!) get targeted as the reason for their unhappiness and often gets seen as the enemy.

One of my boundaries, spoken and reinforced to my spouse, is that I cannot tolerate her having an affair. If it happens, the marriage is over. Others have learned to tolerate the affairs for their own reasons.

Hopefully she is on effective medication. Hopefully both of you are getting some kind of therapy.

chrisnsteph1022
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 973
   Posted 8/18/2009 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
I think it's very much related to the BP. I just went through a hypomanic phase and wanted sex 4-5 times/day. Obviously, that was more than my hubby could handle. I flirted a LOT, but never cheated (and never have in the 10 years we've been married). I can say I was certainly tempted, though.

MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/18/2009 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
THAT WHERE WE ARE ALSO I CAN DEAL WITH EVERY PART OF BP EXCEPT THE AFFAIR IF IT EVER HAPPENS THEN THE MARRIAGE IS OVER. WE HAVE TO YOUNG CHILDREN. AT THIS POINT IN HER MANIC BP SHE HAS ONLY MADE JOURNAL NOTES about IT & HAS MADE FRIENDS WITH WITH A COUPLE OF GUYS FROM THE TREATMENT HOSPITAL. AS FAR AS I KNOW & WHAT SHE TELLS ME ITS ALL JUST LUST & THAUGHTS SHE HAS NOT ACTED ON THEM SO SHE SAYS I WANT TO BELEIVE HER BUT I KEEP FINDING TEXT MESSAGES & SIGNS OF HER BEING DISHONEST WITH ME & HERSELF. I HAVE TO ADMIT SHE HAS OVER THE 15 YRS I'V BEEN WITH HER SHE DOES RELATE BETTER TO MEN THEN WOMEN. I'M VERY UNDERSTANDING KNOWING SHE TALKS WITH MEN TO HELP WITH RECOVERY BEING A MAN MYSELF I KNOW HOW WE THINK MOST OF TIME WITH THE WRONG HEAD. SHE IS VERY ABLE OF TAKING CARE OF HERSELF SHE IS A BLUE BELT IN KARATE & THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHEN MEN ARE TAKING IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL JUST NOT SURE IN MANIC BP MODE THAT SHE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP IT IF THE OPERTUNITY WERE TO ACURE THANKS FOR LISTENING PS MY SPELLING ISN'T ALL THAT GOOD

MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/18/2009 9:06 AM (GMT -7)   
sorry for all the capital letters i'm at work & my program only reads caps i didn't takes caps off didn't mean any harm. in response to the post i only hope that these are only flirts & not anything else she has never cheated on me before & she has many chances to do so with out my knowledge we have a very open relationship agian we have been togeather for 15 yrs im 34 yrs old she is 33 yrs.

ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 8/18/2009 9:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know if you are acting suspicious and asking her questions about the possibility of cheating.

Though my wife has never cheated, her hyper sexuality, combined with my low self esteem, has caused me to obsess with fear about the possibility of her cheating. My actions and reactions because of this fear has come close to destroying the relationship in and of itself.

If you truly believe that she hasn't cheated on you, try anyway you can to come to terms with it and not continually pick at the subject like a scab until she gives up.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/18/2009 10:32 AM (GMT -7)   
MGS,

Thank you for joining HealingWell and the bipolar board.

Thank you for turning off the caps, it denotes yelling.

You have received some decent advice already. As you know, one of the unfortunate possible effects of bipolar is hypersexuality which can seem even moreso given that most of the medicines dampen libido. Educate and talk to your wife openly and confidently. You are who she wants to be with, clearly. If she wants to have an affair, ask that she be open with you and you can decide what to do together. Try couples counseling to help her express what she feels she's lacking.

Good luck!
serafena

The
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/18/2009 11:26 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks serfena we are seeking out a good couples cousler don't know were to start this is a recent dianoses of her bp in the past 10-12 yrs she as been gotten addicted to many drugs selfmedicating she has since been at the brrok kmi in louville ky were she has kicked the habit. i have to admit we as a couple have been thru alot togeather drug use achole use & yes we have been in a sexual relationship with one other couple but all this was pryor to the bp diag

MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/18/2009 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
i should clear up my last post my wife has self medicting for the last 10-12yrs. she has recently gotten help thru treatment at the brook kmi hospital in louisville ky. she has been clean for 78 days now & i have been clear of any drinking & pot smoking for 30 days now. our sexual encounter with another couple was breif & before she was dianoised bp this last may 2009. just felt i needed to clear that up.

MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/19/2009 4:25 AM (GMT -7)   
last night when i got home from work my wife had made a 180 degree turn she seemed to be in a good mood. she was the person i married 11 yrs ago. she went to a support group last night for aa/na when she got home she had made yet another 180 degree turn back to the depressed bp mode i tried to talk to her but with no luck. she is in the 4th step of her recovery witch means she has to make a complete inventory of self wrongs & that seems to be a big stain on her at this point. i went on to bed praying to my higher power to guide her in the right path. this am she woke up in a good mood i had wrote her a letter getting straight to point of what we as a couple need to focus on she seemed to understand so thats where we are this am. its realy hard not to try and help her more i do understand that i need to back off & give her space to deal with her bp & na/aa on her own but it is really hard to take a back seat to a person you love so deeply. thats all for know thanks agian for listening everyone all oppinions are accepted & needed

BPWife
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 139
   Posted 8/19/2009 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   
MGS,
Welcome to HW. You will see that there are many people on here who are the spouse of someone with BP (I myself am the wife of someone with BP). It is quite helpful.

As for the hypersexuality, if you've read enough about BP you should know that this is a symptom. During my husband's last manic episode, I checked his phone log and saw that he called **********s on Craigslist. I was horrified because not only is he against cheating 100% (we both think you should break it off before you start to cheat) but being that he was manic I was afraid for my safety. When he finally went back on his meds, we talked about how I felt so betrayed - that he threw the marriage vows we said to each other in front of family, friends and God.

If your wife has been self medicating for years and was just recently diagnosed, she has a lot going on. Being diagnosed with BP is a very difficult thing and if she isn't on any meds, she's going to have some ups and downs. I think counseling is something you BOTH need - whether it is togther or separate. I see my own therapist because as you know, marriage is hard but throw in BP and it's a little harder, and sometimes I just need to vent.

Keep posting here but more importantly get some help for you and your wife so you can work it out and do what's best for everyone.

Good luck,
BPWife

bipolarempress
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 8/19/2009 2:06 PM (GMT -7)   
MGS, Keep up the good work with the recovery. I will have 24 years sobriety this November!! It works if you work it. When I was drinking I was single and wrekless with my body. I learned that I self medicated my BP with alcohol and drugs. Now I am on Lithium and Celexa. Its hard because of the weight but I managed to lose 10 lbs. I eat very healthy. Alcohol depletes the nutrients in our body so even if we eat good it deplets it. I do not have much of a sex drive and my husband is a Very Good Looking in shape guy but would never cheat on me. I have even told him I would not blame him because I have almost 0 sex desire. But I am excited when I see him and am with him (go figure). I know my low libedo is from my meds and also because of my total hysterectomy. Anyway, hang in there and keep up the good work.

MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/20/2009 4:52 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for all the feed back it really helps deal with days problems. since being sober i have realized life is very stessfull then you go & throw bp wife in on it. it makes it hard not to self medicate but with help like this it will be ok. 31 days sober & a life time to come.. i only hope & pray that my wife finds the wright meds & gets her life back even if in the end we seperate i will know that i have done all i could do. very heart broken to think that day may be a realaity but i try to give her all the support i can & the space she needs. she takes 1500mg of depakote,lithium twice aday,protanics & 1mg clonipin twice aday as needed. the meds all seem to have her very slow & sleepy i have read up on them & it seems this is a side effect. therapist would like for her to stop the colonipin asap but she seems to still have many panic attacks. most of her meds are taken when she wakes up first thing am. she seems to not believe in her meds i just add she is a rn for the past 10 yrs in critcal care unit. thanks agian for all the support

keepinghope
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 8/20/2009 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I am the spouse

My wife has had affairs with a man 17 years younger, cut me off, can not control her money spending on clothes and cosmetics, has filed for divorce, wont get help, has crohn's to go with it totally out of control thinking everything is hers that the daughters and I are not letting her have time to her self

Life is Hell

Bloom
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 8/20/2009 10:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi MGS,

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation, except my wife went ahead and had an affair. In your case, it sounds like you're doing everything you can do as a loving spouse. Don't forget to take care of yourself. I wish I had a silver-bullet answer for your situation, but I don't. Just know that you're not alone--other people have gone through these terrible experiences, and you'll get through them, too.

Bloom

MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/21/2009 4:48 AM (GMT -7)   
i tried talking with my wife to set the bountries but with no luck. she thinks i'm tring to control her life. i also try to regulate her meds cause she is taking to many per day she is now almost out of meds & they should have last till the end of the month. lost of what to do it looks like we will have to seek another path divorse and that wan't my plan she is leaving me no choise. the only thing is we have two boys 9 & 6yrs old this will the hardest thing next to dealing with the bp i have ever done. shes not working & i cann't keep up with the bills so i have yet another major decision to make what stays & what goes. eveything we have worked for is going down the tubes because of this horrible diag of bp. life is so unfair at times. i just cann't see myself raising my boys on my own. i work from 600 a to 600p five days a week at a car dealership for 18 yrs now. so it looks like 3rd shift hear i come. my wife carries all the insurance that i need so bad due to my boys 6yr old has adhd & my 9yr old has asberger "mild altisum" not sure how will make it. thks agian everyone for listening to me yet agian & letting me vent

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 8/21/2009 8:03 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm so sorry MGS,

Things are really looking hard right now. I really recommend you get a lawyer's advice, especially when it comes to protecting your children.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 8/21/2009 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
You have my sympathy MGS. My wife with bipolar told me last night that she wants a divorce. She wants to be free, doesn't want to worry about anyone else, doesn't want to feel controlled, is a different person that when we married, doesn't love me anymore.

This is regardless of the fact that she has been rapid cycling for a week or more. Regardless of the fact that a day earlier she wrote "I enjoy how openly we are talking and communicating. I love you and appreciate you."

MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/22/2009 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
thankseveryone for the advise today i go to my firstmariage counsuler class iv ask my wife to join me mut she doest want to at this time she ihis last week or so s in very depressed stage. i got my 30 day token last night 33 days sober and its been hard or so i must find a way to help myself first but is very hard not to help her also she is the one that needs the most help right now. it was very heart breaking to know she didnt want to go last night with me i felt very lonely at group last night. i know i wasn't because the aa group is a very good support group they have alot of good men & women there to help. i recieved alot of hand shakes & hugs all thru the meeting. i guess i feel the need to seek help with a marriage counsler first before making any thautless decisons on my own.

mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 8/22/2009 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   
MGS...I hope the therapist helps you. Yes your wife needs help, but you can't do much unless she wants the help. In the mean time concentrate on your own health...and keeping up that sobriety. Those children need all of you and your sobriety is very important in that equation. You should be proud of yourself for getting that token! I am proud of you!
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch


MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/26/2009 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the support. each & every day i get aliitle better letting her come & go to all the meetings she needs with out having to feel as if i need to attend them with her. we have attened several meeting together and it feels good to do so but i know she needs her own time & her own friends to help with the recovery process na aa groups friends. its still hard to not be with her every move or place she goes but i do understand like last night she went to her home group meeting at 700pm & didn't return until 1000pm she felt the need to stay for yet another meeting at 800pm then hang out with the group for more support.

bipolarempress
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 8/27/2009 3:57 PM (GMT -7)   
You have so much on your plate right now.  But you are doing the right thing by reaching our for help on this site and by going to your meetings. I know that the 12 step program works if you work it.  But when I was getting sober I lived at home and did not have anyone else to be responsible for.  You have children with challenges and I cannot imagine how tough it is for you. I do not have any of the things you have to deal with but there are plenty of people who have similar challenges.  Bravo to you for picking up your 30 day chip.  And remember we cannot control others; we can just control ourselves.  Give yourself a pat on the back you deserve it!

Bipolar Disorder which mainly manifests itself in clincal depression, Severe sleep apnea, Arthritis, plantar faciitis, execma. 


mike1719
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/31/2009 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   
mY WIFE WALKED ON ME AND THE CHILDREN 4 WEEKS AGO FOR THE SECOND TIME AND IS ALREADY LIVING WITH A GUY FROM WORK .THIS IS THE SECOND GUY FROM HER WORK IN TREE YEARS. WHEN SHE CRASHES THIS TIME IM NOT TAKEING HER BACK AND SHE SINGED OWER THE KIDS THIS TIME. tHIS SHOULD BE A BAD CRASH. AND SHE IS GOING TO BE ALONE. WHAT KIND OF A GUY HOOKS UP WITH A WOMEN WHO WALKS ON HER WHOLE FAMILY.

MGS
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 9/1/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
my house is a wreck my wifes mood swings up & down. she cann't take any daily stress at all if our kids have a bad day she holds on till i get home then runs & hides at a aa/na meeting till 10pm or so i'v tried not saying much & i have must say i need & want her sober but when is the time to face life itself she just cann't continue to run away when things get tough. like last night the kids had a good day at school she was able to complete home work with them both but wright before i got home both boys started on each other "our son 6 adhd older son 9 ashberger disorder & add. so life is hard already. look i'm no saint by no means but i able to deal with lifes challanges i guess i'm confused on how much do we me & the boys take with out her giving back all we hear . her speaking i'm first i'm first i need my support groups to stay clean. i want her clean & sober but it's like she want to continue to hide behind her bp ? she knows what needs done but seems like she chooses not to do them. example today school called me our 6 yr old was having a problem & i couldn't leave work so i called home & cell several times before getting and answer its like she doen't care ? and even after i called she seemed bothered that i couldn't jump & run. lost for thaughts ???????????????????????????? i know i'm rambling on but that part of being here sorry thanks for listening

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/1/2009 6:14 PM (GMT -7)   
MGS:

Stress and lack of sleep make the bipolar worse, so make sure your wife is getting enough rest. I'm sure you think because you are working and she is not, that she ought to be getting lots of rest, but that's rarely the case with this disorder. It's as if every little detail of life causes you stress. So start taking care of yourself and quit waiting for your wife to do it -- hire a cleaning service for the house, for example.

If the support groups help your wife stay clean, then by all means don't interfere with them. You'd only have a bigger problem on your hands.

You don't seem to understand that she's not CHOOSING to do this. She's not necessarily hiding from anything, she's sick too.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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