Guilt over being Bipolar

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red lightening
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 8/21/2009 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
I got so depressed I had to take a leave of absence from my job.
My husband and I are under financial pressure now. I am trying to
get better so I can work. I went to a new Pdoc and he upped my dosage
of Cymbalta and Abilify and I'm starting to feel better.

But I sometimes feel bad for getting sick and wonder if I caused it to happen or is it a
chemical imbalance. I mean...I got depressed for no reason that I know
of. I feel bad for not being able to do everything I used to do. My husband
is very supportive but he's tired.

What if I don't come out of this...will my husband leave me? I don't think so.
But it's not fair to him. I hope I can be a normal person soon. It's so hard just
to do anything.

Bloom
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 8/21/2009 10:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Red Lightening,

While I don't know what it feels like to have BP (my wife has it), I can assure you that the illness isn't your fault! It's not good to blame yourself for something you have no control over!

I can understand why you feel bad for not doing everything you used to be able to do. I think anybody in your position would feel badly about that. But you sound like you're doing things to manage the illness. You're taking your meds. Keep up the hard work; there will be better days than today.

Bloom

sentientderangement
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 8/21/2009 11:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Being depressed is not your fault. It is not caused by any outside factor. Stay on your meds. But as for being a normal person? First, you will have to deal with this your whole life. Second, what exactly is normal anyways. Don't worry about your husband right now, you need to get well. Then you can worry about him.

bluestbird
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 8/21/2009 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello! I can relate to what you are saying, it seems like I am in the same situation.

I have all this education... masters degrees in biology and science education. But I had my first mania only weeks after I finished my student teaching and degrees. I liked teaching... A LOT. I worked really hard at my education for 8 years... for what?

I got married two years ago when I was doing pretty well... maybe I was hypomanic... I don't know. But a month after we eloped I was hospitalized for my second time. It is amazing that he even stayed with me.

I feel so badly for my husband... he is responsible for practically EVERYTHING. I feel like a leech, draining him of resources. With the current economic problems it is really tough to get by and I have NO INCOME. At this point I am trying to get my meds adjusted but it hasn't happened yet AND it has been two years... it's really hard to hold onto hope.

BUT you do what you can do and hope to feel better!
Best of luck to you, hang in there.

chrisnsteph1022
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 973
   Posted 8/21/2009 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   
I know what you mean. I do have a good job, but lately, I haven't really been 'with it.' I have my performance review on Monday and I'm scared to death. If I lose my job, that's half our income and we'd be screwed (again, my fault, since the debt is from my spending). It sucks.
Stephanie, 29, married for 10 wonderful years and mommy to two awesome toddlers
dx with Crohn's 4/2003, in remission since 11/2003
dx with bipolar II 8/2009, still trying to figure it out


red lightening
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 8/21/2009 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone. I need to quit beating myself up.
I'm trying to be aware of my thoughts...pretty freaky...
so that I can change them into more realistic and positive ones.
I can totally insert some of the wisdom you guys gave me
and turn it into happy brain juice!

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 8/21/2009 11:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Redlightening,

Good for you for taking everyone's advise.  I agree, it's NOT your fault and you need to stop blaming yourself.  I've been depressed and know how you feel because you know there is no reason for your depression and yet here you are depressed.  That is how it was for me.  It is a chemical imbalance.  Things will get better. 

Maybe you can suggest to your pdoc about trying a different combination of medications for a bit?  My pdoc added a mood stabilizer along with my antidepressant to help kick things up for me.  They say that mixing these two type of drugs together helps alot.  Just a suggestion.

Also, you are very lucky to have a supporting husband.  Have either of you two discussed see seperate therapists?  I know for me it was key to see one.  They can lead you onto first steps to take to help with getting out of a depression.  It will help your husband to for him to get his support as well through all of this.  It can be very draining on him as well.

I did learn that I really needed to be proactive in my depression and not expect the medication to do all the work.  That won't work alone.

Can you make a daily list of things you can do daily no matter how small it is?  I mean like, organizing 1 drawer, cleaning one room at a time even if it is just dusting it?  Taking a ride to a mall to just look/browse around without buying anything?  Just getting outside for a walk even for a bit?

Anything small that will help you get out of your comfort zone or normal routine.  Maybe baking a batch of cookies?

Every little bit helps. The list will grow in time so don't worry about how small it is.  One accomplishment a day is a huge accomplishment.

Maybe you can plan on what you will do for the weekend ahead of time.  This way you have a plan to try to stick to.  Something on paper that you will see and try to strive for.

Collect some positive affirmations for yourself and post these little notes where you will see them daily and repeat them often to yourself.  I am a good person, I am worth getting better, I am a good artist, etc.

Best wishes. Hope some of these ideas help. blush


~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


red lightening
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Sukay...what a wonderful post. And yes I am pushing myself
a little more each day. I also went to a new Pdoc and am on a booster
med along with the antidepressant. Things are getting better. My husband
and I attend a 12 step group so we gets a lot of support there and I'm going to
a therapist Tues. I don't think he's interested in therapy right now but I could
ask him. He may be. Anyway, thanks so much everyone, for lending your time.

red lightening
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 620
   Posted 8/23/2009 7:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Sukay...what a wonderful post. And yes I am pushing myself
a little more each day. I also went to a new Pdoc and am on a booster
med along with the antidepressant. Things are getting better. My husband
and I attend a 12 step group so we gets a lot of support there and I'm going to
a therapist Tues. I don't think he's interested in therapy right now but I could
ask him. He may be. Anyway, thanks so much everyone, for lending your time.
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