Feeling yucky today. Can tell I am in a low mood. I don't know how many of you BP sufferers go through this but....I am so tired of my husband bringing up past bad deeds of mine.
He told me his "timeline" that by the end of this year I need to be done paying back my grandmother. (she came to our rescue and let us borrow money to pay back credit card debt I accrued.) I owe her around $4000 more dollars and she basically deducts from that $10 an hour for stuff I do for her. Just basically anything she needs help with, stuff around the house, taking her to appoints. His comment was that I should pay this off even if it means I have to work for her on the weekends. His goal is that by next year I can actually be earning money to help cover my schooling costs.
Well for one, I can not just sit at her house and get paid...there has to be stuff to do. And secondly...I take college courses, which I try to get an A or B in (and I do) because I am trying to raise my overall GPA from years of F's and withdrawals. I am also running a household, have 3 daughters...etc...all that mommy/housewife stuff. I guess sometimes I just get the feeling that above all else my husband wants things back to normal...not for me to stay healthy mentally. Like I should be putting myself at risk of a relapse into mania/depression...in order to make up for all I did (especially manic spending.)
Guess I am babbling...I just wish there was a way to block out his frustrations and taking them out on me, because I feel I am doing all I can without getting myself unhealthy again. It gets kind of old when from my husband I rarely hear praise for all I do, but hear plenty of what I could do better.
Thanks for letting me vent..time to go get ready for family coming over for a BBQ. One thing I can say is that is it so much better to be depressed about
"something", than to just be depressed becuase of my body chemistry. So much easier to deal with something tangible.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch