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Fawn0209
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 9/4/2009 1:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm only posting a new thread to introduce myself, because I read that that's what I need to do. I'm not typically the sort of person to announce my presence so loudly, rather I lurk and sort of sneak in the back door.

I have a bi-polar mother and a bi-polar brother, but that's not why I'm here. I'm here because my bi-polar mother, who thinks that I am just like her, has convinced herself that I am as well. I don't think so. At all. But, never the less, I'm here... to lurk and interject things when I feel compelled.

So... pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name. ;-]

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 9/4/2009 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
hi fawn you know my mom is insisting im bipolar to and my hubby kind of agrees but i dont feel depressed nor manic lol. i do go on periods where i have a hard time sleeping and only get 2 or three hours but they last only two weeks or so and only around once a year. i do get moody and snappy but what mother and wife doesnt.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/4/2009 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi fawn0209,

thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. Welcome to HealingWell and the bipolar board. Have you seen a doc? Why does your mother think you're bipolar? Why do you disagree?


serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Fawn0209
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 9/4/2009 8:44 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't really feel depressed or manic, either. Mostly apathetic, I guess. I don't really think I have particularly abnormal behavior. Sometimes I'm sad, and sometimes I'm happy, but everyone's moods vary. I don't think my mood changes are extreme. Unless I'm drinking. And I don't drink anymore.

My spouse had complained to my mother that I often come across emotionless, and that if I DO show any emotion, it's always anger. So my mother talked to me about it, and I explained that I don't even feel like I'm living my own life sometimes, I'm sitting inside my head watching through my eyes, as if I'm on autopilot. I feel pressured to try and give the emotional response that is expected of me, to avoid being called emotionless, but even if I yell because I think it's what's expected of me, I often find myself laughing because I don't really have any interest in yelling in the first place. Which always results in my spouse screaming at me, asking me how I can possibly be laughing.

I developed a serious drinking problem when I turned 21, which had escalated extremely quickly because the only times I felt I was genuinely alive were when I was drinking. What I mean is, under the influence I experienced all the emotions I can never feel sober. I was extremely happy sometimes, others severely depressed. Sometimes I loved everyone, sometimes I hated people. Always someone specific, and the specific person I was angry at in a particular instance could be entirely different from the next person. But nearly always the same few people.

I had a problem with self-mutilation, that I tried to keep hidden. I once came home drunk and found my ex (not my ex at the time) and my friend re-dressing themselves in our bedroom, and before I'd even thought about what I was doing I was being rushed to the hospital. I hadn't intended to kill myself at all, but I can distinctly remember thinking on the way that I would be perfectly okay with dying. I had a video conference with a mental health doctor from a hospital across the state. I simply told him that I was drunk, and hadn't intended to kill myself (which was true), and that I would be fine.

A month later, now single and living completely alone, I drank a lot. My friends didn't interest me, and I felt I had nothing left. I got drunk one night and decided to drive to the next state to see my mother. It was a 4.5 hour drive, and I was drinking a 12 pack on the way. Again, I thought about how fine it would be if I never made it there, and how everyone would have thought it was an accident. Instead I wrecked into the concrete median, an hour from my destination, and was nearly t-boned by a semi on the interstate (instead, I corrected my front end at the last possible second and the semi clipped off my passenger mirror), before being arrested. Which I absolutely, unquestionably deserved. I will never forgive myself for being so selfish and inconsiderate as to endanger the lives of everyone else on the highway and only because I had no appreciation for my own. However, fate or something like it intervened and no one at all was injured.

I quit drinking after that. A year later, after yet another relationship (9 months) had ended, I developed a kidney infection. I didn't see a doctor. It got worse. After the 4th day, I was bed ridden with an incredibly high fever. I was chilling so bad (in the summer) with two thick comfortors on and my recent ex trying to cuddle me for warmth, that I thought my chattering teeth would break. I cried when I had to get up to use the restroom, because it was so cold outside the blankets and I couldn't bear it. I was getting sick uncontrollably, not to mention the excruciating pain in my kidneys. My ex begged me to go to the hospital, but I refused. My roommates bought me cranberry juice and told me not to drink any more Mountain Dew. Whenever they'd leave, I'd force myself out of bed and pour out the juice, and hide Mountain Dew under the bed. I drank as much as I possibly could. This time, for the first time, my sole intention was to die.



That's why my mother thinks I'm bipolar. I disagree because I don't believe that suicidal behavior is exclusive to bipolar disease. While I do think that by anyone's standard (mine excluded) I have a mental disorder, I don't think that it's bipolar.


(I edited your post to bring it in line with Rule 1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use or exchange, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted. -- serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 9/5/2009 9:15:13 PM (GMT-6)


worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1130
   Posted 9/5/2009 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Fawn,
Though you say you dont feel manic or that dont you think you should at least get tested to be sure. I am sure most here diagnosed didnt feel themselves to manic either before being diagnosed. yes you may be right there may be just a mental disorder but bipolar is hereditary and if it was passed to you then you can get treated before the manic sets in.
and suicidal behavior is not exclusive to bipolar disease but i am sure some do feel it and get it. you may just be depressed but i would get a full workup done just to be sure.

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 9/5/2009 9:15:48 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/5/2009 8:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Fawn,

Suicidal behavior, alcoholism, and self-mutilation are not the marks of a healthy person. You may not be bipolar, but I definitely think you should see a doc and just talk. See what they have to say and try to be open to the diagnosis. Life is much more comfortable when you're being treated.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


Fawn0209
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 9/7/2009 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Understood. But again I say, the suicidal behavior and self-mutilation stemmed from the alcoholism, which I have been sober from for approximately two years now.

I don't rightly know who really has the authority to determine what a healthy person is. Psychologists spend money to go study human behavioral patterns and how they vary... apparently deciding somewhere along the way that some behaviors are acceptable and others are not. I can't understand why their opinion is more valuable than anyone else's. After all, they ARE opinions.

Anyhow. I'm quite fine, now... and have been, aside from feeling eternally detached and I'm searching for the answers on my own, cruising forums, reading books, etc... because I am of the opinion that I could find out anything a doctor could possibly tell me via less expensive methods.

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/7/2009 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I agree with the other's suggestions as well but since you said:
 
 "Anyhow. I'm quite fine, now... and have been, aside from feeling eternally detached and I'm searching for the answers on my own, cruising forums, reading books, etc... because I am of the opinion that I could find out anything a doctor could possibly tell me via less expensive methods."
 
let us know what you find out.
 
You said, "I don't rightly know who really has the authority to determine what a healthy person is. Psychologists spend money to go study human behavioral patterns and how they vary... apparently deciding somewhere along the way that some behaviors are acceptable and others are not. I can't understand why their opinion is more valuable than anyone else's. After all, they ARE opinions."
 
I'd like to say that only a psychiatrist NOT a psychologist can correctly diagnosis and treat a mental disorder which IMO I believe you definitely have .
 
I believe you have a mental disorder because you said:
 
1.   "I don't even feel like I'm living my own life sometimes, I'm sitting inside my head watching through my eyes, as if I'm on autopilot.

#2  "This time, for the first time, my sole intention was to die."

#3  "While I do think that by anyone's standard (mine excluded) I have a mental disorder, I don't think that it's bipolar."

I wish you wellness and hope you find the answer YOU are looking for.

P.S. Have you ever heard of denial?

 


 





~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia

Post Edited (sukay) : 9/7/2009 10:20:59 PM (GMT-6)


Fawn0209
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 9/8/2009 8:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I have heard of denial. How does it relate?

I fail to understand how anyone can label you or I as mentally unbalanced, because I can't understand who has the right to say what mentally balanced is. Understand that I've had my fair share of psychotherapy, and been on medications in the past (as a young adult), and it was not at all a good experience for me. I am upset by the direction they took with my therapy, and what they considered "healthy."

Perhaps if bipolar and related "illnesses" weren't considered as such, or as diseases/disorders, I'd be more accepting. Perhaps if bipolar were merely a <i>tendency</i> towards a certain behavior, I might agree.

If "sane" is to be "free from mental derangement, having sound judgement" and to be "deranged" is to be "thrown into disorder, or made insane," then I should think <i>everyone</i> is insane occasionally. After all, no one has sound judgement all the time, and everyone is thrown into disorder from time to time. Does that mean that the "sane" are simply those who have better judgement than the insane?

Anyhow, though I disagree with the concept of "mental disorders," the disorder-related behaviors that sound the most like myself so far (since you'd like for me to let you know), are those associated with borderline personality disorder.

I'm not sure if you're taking a position of defiance with me, sukay, but I apologize if I've offended you at any point. I am not trying to be confrontational, and I greatly appreciate you or anyone else's input. I have formed my own opinions about this entire subject based on my own experience and my research. If anyone can successfully persuade me to change my mind, I welcome it.

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/9/2009 8:37 AM (GMT -7)   

I just don't understand what your point is?  What is it that you are hoping to hear from us on this bp forumn?

We have been diagnosed with BP, we are being treated for BP by pdocs and  understand that it is a mental illness.

Why are you here to argue with us?  You believe what you want to believe so go look for your answers, but I think it is rude for you to come here, ask for support and then when we try to give you support you throw it right back in our face. 

Like I said, I don't understand what it is that you are looking to us for.  It's obvious you have made your decision.

I feel through your posts you have some issues that if I were you, would talk to a doctor about.  I wouldn't want to live like you do.  But that is IMO.  You do what you want.  If you disagree that is fine.  So like I said, what is your point?



~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia

Post Edited (sukay) : 9/9/2009 9:41:24 AM (GMT-6)


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 9/9/2009 9:56 AM (GMT -7)   
I must agree with Sukay...this is a forum for those with BP...who are diagnosed or think they are about to be and want to find out more information. We agree that bipoare is a disease. One we must live with, with the help of meds and therapy for the rest of our lives.

You are someone who is either not BP or does not want to be, and you seem to just want to come here to discredit what anyone says. I do not think that is what this forum is for. We are a support group and should not have to listen to someone tell us it is all in our head, and to get over it.

Just because your treatments have not worked for you , does not mean many of us are thriving now that we have been put on the correct meds.
"Just because you're in the driver's seat, doesn't mean
you have to run people over." ~ Fred Pausch


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/9/2009 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Before this gets out of hand, let me remind everyone of Rule 4. No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun off, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and well-being are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.

I'm going to lock this thread. Let's have a do-over.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

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