I'm 44 years old. I was originally dx'ed with PTSD and Major Depression back when I was around 26, that was also my first hospitalization for suicidal Ideation and depression. I was coping with alcohol and lots of binge drinking. My relationship at the time was very volatile as well. Around 4 years after my 1st hospital stay, I was stable on antidepressants, (hard to remember what kind, I've been on so many), and working a full time job and married for the first time. That marriage lasted almost 7 years and ended amicably as I wanted another child and he did not, among other issues. I had a son at the time of my first marriage from a previous relationship, he is now 25.
when my first marriage ended, I stayed single for about
a year, still working, but started drinking heavily again. Hospitalization again around age 35. That is when my PTSD was dx'ed and it came to light i had been sexually abused from ages 5 to about
12 or so. I met my second husband around age 36 and we married. He is 8 years younger than me. We had another son, who is now 7. I had severe Post partum psychosis when he was 6 weeks old and spent another week in psych ward. I came out of it, we had to move out of state, to my husband's home state, away from my family, 3 hours away. I was here for over 2 years and boom, another breakdown. I seemed to be very medication resistant. It would work for awhile, and then sputter out. I got into talk therapy for the last 4 years and it seemed to be working. So I was able to apply for disability, since I could no longer hold down a full time job, I did have several part time jobs. It took me around 3 years to be approved.
Flash forward to now, and I went off my Cymbalta over 8 months ago. It wasn't working and I am darn tired of switching up meds. I crashed last week, my husband and I had not been getting along well due to to HIS family's dramas and interference and I decided I would rather be dead than have to take my son out of his comfort zone and the only life he has known here or give up custody, as I could not imagine not being able to see him everyday or sleep in the same house with him at night. I know, I am truly codependent!
So, I woke my husband up at 2am and tried to convince him to let me go off for a couple of days and have him report me missing, yada yada, yeah, it sounded SO GOOD in my head
He went in the other room on the pretense of going to the bathroom and called my therapist. The next day I agreed to commit myself. Was the craptiest hospital I've ever been in, the psychiatrist pissed me off and I checked myself out AMA on the fifth day. SO, I have been re-diagnosed as BP II, and put on 900 mgs of Lithium, which is tearing my stomach apart and making me dissociate in the worst way, but I have an appt with my regular Pdoc and therapist tomorrow. My husband is at the end of his rope, and stressed to the max. I feel so guilty for putting him there, and I am actually just trying to stay away from him right now (he's golfing with my son at the moment). We still don't know if we are going to be together through this, as we have alot to work on besides my illness. I am so overwhelmed and sad right now. I cannot believe I am at this point in my life. I was doing so well. I still work part time as a Vet Assistant. I love my job. I don't want to lose my marriage, but my head is so messed up right now, I don't know which way is up.
That actually felt good to just type out. I hope to be able to awake from this nightmare. If I could see a light at the end, it would help me to hang in there. Right now, all is black and cold. I have to touch my pets just to reassure myself I am still alive at times. Or hug my son in his sleep. I don't want his life to be complicated by something that is wrong with me. It means so much that his life remain a constant and stable. How do I do it?
thanks for listening, if you are still there.