Two days ago I quit drugs (except for ritalin) to get back to a 'clean slate'.
Part of me had hoped that I would quit drugs because I didn't need them
but it feels like a step backwards to quit them to start over. If my quitting
the drugs were only affecting me, it would still be difficult, but it's affecting
my relationships with others as well. I have no one that I can completely
confide in, but what's worse is that I've been clingy to everyone.
I have started to obsess about what other people think of me. There are
some that I call/e-mail/message more than I should (or want to!) just so I
can distract myself from how I feel and convince myself there are people
that like me. This is starting to backfire and I think now I creep some
of them out for my want to communicate every day or so.
It really scares me that my day-to-day life isn't exciting enough that I can
do without talking to people (mainly boys) whose attention I want.
I started crossing off days on a calendar that I hadn't talked to specific
people, but the longest I could go was three days, and I invariably
contemplated calling/e-mailing him every day.
It makes me feel icky and I don't know what's wrong with me.
The main person I've noticed myself doing this to isn't even someone
I know that well but is the first person in a long time who seems to have
an interest in me. Now I feel really horrible because he is so nice and I
can't imagine would want to keep in touch. Even though I know the drugs
weren't helping, I feel hopeless. Why do I focus on all the wrong things ?!
I should be doing my homework, not worrying about what boys think of me.
It's a vicious cycle because I feel like my actions are just alienating me and
probably creeping people out. I quit the social networking site I was on, but even
a couple hours after I still think about
signing back into it. Heeeelp !