what does my husband really mean?

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4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/16/2009 11:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear friends,
 
I am hoping that some of those who suffer from bipolar can please help me understand if this is common with this illness - if something said rubs my husband the wrong way (ex: "I really don't agree with you", or " I really think our 7 YEAR OLD needs to go to bed now", or "what do you feel like doing this Christmas?", etc...), he completely flies off the handle.  He becomes angry, mean, acts like he hates me, says hurtful things, cusses, way exaggerates whatever the 'small thing' is that he's irate about, acts as though he has been wronged in some way, yells and goes on and on, talking about unrelated issues, making things up, stating his perceptions on things, and then always ends it with...YOU are the one with the problem.  YOU shouldn't have said this, or YOU "did this" or "said this" to me, as if he has been deliberately hurt or schemed against in some way.  It's just really bizarre from my end because I can't rationalize with him when he's this way, I can't calm him down, I definetely can't reason with him, and it just seems surreal to me.  I understand that the thought processes can be different, and definetely on the emotional highs/lows.  But it's difficult to live with, as he gets very emotionally and verbally abusive, makes things up about me (things "said" to him or "done" to him, but never has an example of anything that seems to make sense).  He then brings up things said in heated arguments from years ago, and acts as though the things are still going on (which they are not).  It's also upsetting to me that he goes on and on and causes this chaos and upset in our home (and sometimes in front of our young children), and then tries to blame this on me.  He then expects me to forget about it, and I try, although inside I am emotionally reeling over it for a while.  I have tried to have many heart to heart talks with him about controlling the way he reacts and the things that he says, but it's as if he's never heard me, or as if he doesn't care.  He is on meds and sees a pdoc every 3 months, but refuses to go to counseling.  It is really starting to affect me.  I of course have no warning, because it could happen at any time over literally nothing.  I am not a robot and not made of steel.  I just want to know - where do all his comments and hurtful words come from?  Does he really believe that I am the problem?  When he is the only one going on and I am trying to calm him down the whole time?  Is it unrealistic for me to expect for him to control this behaviour?  I worry about him doing this for so long, that I finally can't take it anymore and want out.  Please give me some advice.  Many thanks...

tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 9/17/2009 4:03 AM (GMT -7)   
I am BiPolar. Saying that hurts. However, it needs to be said. The irritability is a big problem. It affects everyone around the person with the illness, and the person with the illness gets guilt ridden and wants to push people away, to "be alone in their misery". This is probably what you see. As for advice, i have none. With age I find my symptoms are on the rise. I functioned nearly normally from age 20 - 40, with some psychiatric support. I was forcing back the depression, "pulling myself up by my bootstraps" as I like to call it, the result of which brought on additional anxiety, and irritability, isolation. And exhaustion. Do you know how much effort it takes to fight through the haze and try to "act normal" when you feel, anything but? So, Family counseling and or education to understand the disease? My gramma moved out to a cottage in the woods. My mother disappears for months on end. My sister has become paranoid to the extreme and moved as far away as possible from family. I try to cope. I try to avoid taking the anxious irritability out on others, with mixed results. Now I am watching my youngest struggling with this DD, and want to disappear into a hole somewhere. It is monumental. I think you might need to figure out what you have to do to take care of yourself and any children, involved.
Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 6:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear tyno,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me.  It helps so much to hear the other perspective, I have tried really hard to educate myself on everything about BP, and to be patient, encouraging and supportive.  But, really, BP or not, a person can only take so much.  There are things about our past when we were first learning that he had this illness that were so painful.  He really was so argumentative and hurtful, and I felt was a different person from the one I knew.  This was 8 yrs ago and at the time, I did not even know what bipolar was.  I just didn't know what was wrong.  He thought everyone around him was crazy, there was nothing going on with him.  He was in full mania, but everyone around him was the one with the problem.  But we went thru some horrendous times, and I reacted to him when he was so mean.  I threatened the relationship and was mean back when he cornered me and was so ugly to me.  I felt I was fighting for my marriage.  I have put those memories away and chosen to move forward with him...and I don't react to him like that anymore (after lots of counseling on my part), but he continues to lose control and be ugly to me.  I changed my patterns in reacting, but he hasn't.  It's just not right.  And the more he does this, the more I question how long I can take it, or what the right thing to do is.  It's like he pushes and pushes so much...until I finally get so hurt I try to talk to him about what he is doing...and then he finds some way to blame the One Problem on me.  At this point I ask him, how long does he think he can treat his wife this way?  Does he think it's right?  Of course, he takes those as threats and always responds with "well I'm not going to put up with it either".  Put up with what?  He responds the "beating he gets when I'm hurt".  If he controlled his irritability and hurtful words to begin with, there would be nothing to talk about.  The "beating" he refers to hurts the worst as this is when I try calmly to have a meaningful conversation with him about the way his behaviour is affecting our family.  He can never admit he is wrong, or even say he has a hard time controlling it.  He just simply finds faults with me and then tells me somehow I 'caused the problem'.  One day I'm the wife he could never live without, the next he's having an episode finding every fault with me.  It's just so hard.  The truth is, I have contemplated leaving so many times because of the episodes we go thru at home when he is not doing well, and the way it leaves us all reeling afterwards.  He always minimizes the BP as if it "has nothing to do with his reactions", indeed he 'questions his dx' even after having multiple evaluations, seeing multiple counselors and pdocs in the past, and the medications helping tremendously.  We couldn't live with him if he weren't taking his medications.  We can barely live with him at times now.  I guess I'm just wondering, and I know this isn't the same for everybody, but why does he direct so much anger my way?  I am so good to him.  I often feel if he had a friend who was treated this way by a spouse, he would advise them to leave and not put up with it.  Sometimes, he seems to be aware of it.  Other times he tries to justify it.  It really makes me feel that he is directing what feels like hate toward me, and that is unsettling...I mean, he is my husband of 13 yrs.  I, like the next person, don't like to have unfair things said to me and about me.  If he feels guilty afterward, why can't he apologize, or try harder to control his rages.  He usually says "I was upset"...or "people get upset"...well YES, but this is to another level.  I am worried that it may get worse as he gets older.  Is there an awareness on the part of the BP sufferer of what the partner goes thru at all?  Or does my husband really think I'm "out to get him", "beating him down" when I try to talk with him, and have no right to finally be upset and that I'm the one with all the problems?  I love my husband, but I need some peace for myself and for our children.  I try to explain to them when their Dad is up in arms that it's not the right way to behave if you're upset about something.  I am open with them and I don't want them growing up thinking the way their father is acting is OK, or worse yet, acting like him.  It eats me up.

JoyArtFul
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 9/17/2009 7:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Girl, I am so sorry about all of the pain you're going through. I can't advise you what to do - I have no idea how our spouses deal with our disease.
I do have some responses, as a sufferer not an expert, to some of the things you said

You said - "I guess I'm just wondering, and I know this isn't the same for everybody, but why does he direct so much anger my way? I am so good to him. I often feel if he had a friend who was treated this way by a spouse, he would advise them to leave and not put up with it. "

My husband is the greatest person in my life, I feel sure that he is my soul mate. Unfortunately, he is also the person that I hurt the most. I spend all day trying to hold myself together at work and in public doing errands. It's like it takes physical strength to control my emotions. I don't get loud when I'm angry - I cry. My poor husband has to watch me cry several nights a week most weeks. I go all day thinking that I am mad at him, but when it comes down to it, I'm really not.
I'm so upset and used up and tired, and I think of him as my security blanket. On my drive home I'm thinking "When I see him everything will be okay."

Unfortunately, if I get home and he says the slightest insensitive thing it kills me.
For example, I walk in the door and he says "are you going to cook dinner tonight?"
He may be offering to help, he may wanna order a pizza, or he may just be hungry and want to eat soon. But I instantly think something like "Well, if you'll let me sit down and smoke one cigarette, I'll hop right to it master." or "He thinks I'm a failure of a wife." or "His mother would have already had supper cooked - but I have to work!" I get so caught up in all the things I THINK he said to me, sometimes I can't remember his actual words. That one question could send me to bed a sobbing mess. I may still be upset the next morning.

We don't mean to hurt our spouses - or I definitely don't. It is so painful to feel this way all the time. Watching the one you love so much suffer from your disease is even worse. Sometimes I think I should have never gotten involved with anyone.

I don't yell at or berate my husband, but he knows that I'm mad when I cry and leave the room. It still hurts his feelings. Then he has to answer tearful "Am I mean to you?" "Do I hurt your feelings?" questions. (Half an hour of them just last night.) That wears him down too. But if he stops answering, I completely freak and decide he's prolly gonna divorce me soon. It is probably the worst part of this disease for me. I never minded the ups and downs so much, until I brought someone along for the ride.

I let my defenses down around my husband, because I love him and trust him and he loves me and he understands. In a sense, he is my safe place. But letting my defenses down lets my emotions get too strong of a hold on me. However, if I never ever got to let my defenses down, I wouldn't be able to make it.

I won't try to advise you on your marriage. Whether your husband is sick or not, your weariness is real and painful.

I will say that although most BPs can control our behavior it is HARD. Physically as well as emotionally hard. Sadly, it is my opinion that our spouses get the worst of it simply because we trust them.

I've always worried about that, but after joining this group I'm much more worried. It's difficult to look at things from your partner's point of view.

I hope that you guys, together, can find a way to make things work. if you can't I hope you all can find a way to move forward carefully, with as little hurt possible.

Keep us updated.

::hugz::

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/17/2009 7:32 AM (GMT -7)   
I think it's easy to blame the disease for inappropriate behavior but verbal abuse is still abuse, as you well know, 4support. And he has gotten physical in the past, as you've told us, and that's not okay.

You're putting up with too much for too long. Time to step up and defend yourself.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear JoyArtFul,

Your heartfelt post was so helpful to me, thank you. One thing kept standing out to me as I read your post - it's the awareness you have for your own emotions, and for how you are with your husband. I sometimes believe this is lacking with my husband. He does yell and berate me over small things that should be able to be talked about without any drama, and when he is going on with his high levels of emotions, he is blaming me for everything at the same time. He makes up things about me, things I am "doing" or "saying" to him, which are not happening. He can't find anything really ugly about me, so he reaches way far into our past into heated arguments and times where I have threatened to leave him, and uses those thiings as justification for his behavior toward me. After a good reaming from him (like last night) because I mentioned that our 7-yr old son needed to get some sleep (at 10:30 PM on a school night while his Dad is keeping him up), he continues on and on how he is "so irate with me" and "so pissed off" at me because "I think I'm the sheriff" and "I love making him look bad in front of our children" and "I don't think he can make those decisions on his own" (which he doesn't when it comes to bedtime for our young children). But, anyway, you understand what I'm trying to say. He leaves me feeling as though everything I do for him is not enough, I'm hurt, he's set a bad example for our child directing so much anger on me about something so small. What in the world is my child thinking? Then there's the pattern...later I try to calmly talk to him...saying, you know, you have a right to your feelings, but the way you react with so much anger and so many hurtful words - well, is it plain wrong. How can you keep doing this to me? He becomes more irate, makes up faults he thinks I'm guilty of (or whatever), references arguments from years ago ("you just want to leave me"), sulks around, won't talk, blames me, then goes to sleep. He leaves in the morning not saying one word to me, and I am left confused and upset all day, trying to cope and make sure my children are taken care of, and all of my responsibilities are taken care of. I am a strong woman, but I have been dealing with this for a long time, at least 8 years. I am exhausted by him, and I don't know how to get thru to him what he is doing to our family.

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Serafena,
 
I haven't been on the forum in a while, but no, my husband has never been physically abusive.  He is verbally abusive, which of course becomes emotional abuse.
 
Not to blame the disease, but it is a fact that bipolar disorder causes extremes with emotions.  For example, he becomes irate and his thought processes seems to skew over a small issue.  I've seen many posts describing the same type of behavior.  He also suffers from ADHD (which also causes irritability) and may well have underlying learned behaviour issues (which I've long suspected) or some sort of personality disorder, but the bipolar seems to exemplify his reactions.  This has all come out in therapy.

In any case, it helps to hear insight from other BP sufferers about what goes thru their mind when they are lashing out at their spouses, where some of this comes from - - because there is a lot of misperception going on, and hurt feelings, and confusion.  This is why this forum is so helpful, people helping people.
 
Thanks,
4support 
 
 

SnowyLynne
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 1539
   Posted 9/17/2009 8:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Is it feasable to just walk out to the store or shop,do something else & ignore the tirades??
SnowyLynne


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 8:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi SnowyLynne - yes, sometimes that is feasible. Not when we're in the car, or late at night at home, but sometimes, yes. I'm all for the peace, and many times I do just walk away from him. I guess what is really getting to me is...why the hurtful words during his tirades, and how much of it does he mean? It hurts afterwards. He becomes unraveled at one thing said to him about his behavior, but wants me to just forget all the things he says when he's through with me. Going forward as if it doesn't hurt or confuse is not being true. I am frustrated that he doesn't have more awareness about what he is doing. Or if he does, he won't admit it. It seems easier for him to point the finger, regardless of how far he has to reach to do that. It helps to vent and get other's advice...

poodles
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 180
   Posted 9/17/2009 8:22 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree with Serafena.

We (all people) hurt those we are closest to because it is safe. But there is a limit to what anyone should take.

We (bipolars) can be aware of our behavior, and work to change it. It could be that his medication is not exactly what he needs. Or it could be that he is selfish, and has gotten away with this for so long, he sees no reason to change.

Both my husband, and I have dealt with this behavior in the other. Him with me because I'm bipolar. Me with him when he was drinking. Thank God he doesn't drink anymore. However, I am still bipolar...I can't stop being who I am. So I have to work to control myself. Do I ever go off at him anymore? Sure, but it is so much less, and less intense, and I usually catch myself and stop it. This was a long hard road to get to a point where I can usually control my outrageous behavior. I am not saying it is easy. I am saying it is possible. If you and the kids are important enough to him, and he realizes just what his behavior is doing to you all....and possibly that you won't continue to subject yourself and the kids to it...he will change. You will have to be patient with him. YOu have already proven that you can do that. YOu have done your part be changing your reactions to him. When he does well, give him lots of positive feedback. Reward good behavior. It works with adults just like it does with kids.

These are just my thoughts from a bipolar viewpoint.
Vickie

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Poodles,

I appreciate the feedback. And I am not blaming the disease as I clarified earlier, but according to our prior counselor, the bipolar is exacerbating problems that are already there (i.e. selfishness, learned behaviour, etc...). He definetely has triggers and who knows what starts what.

I do try to focus on the positive and reflecting back on years prior, he has definetely gotten better in some ways. For instance, his tirades don't happen as often. Sometimes he will apologize, although not always. This is why I decided to stay. I accepted that he was trying, that he was going to the doctor and taking meds, and at least showing some commitment to himself and to our family.

It's the blaming his problems on me, and making things up about me that is bothering me. It doesn't help anything, and it makes it worse and even more confusing. Why does he do this??

JoyArtFul
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 9/17/2009 8:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad that what I said helped you a little. it sounds like you're suffering so terribly. I hope that you can find comfort here for your trials.
It sounds like you feel obligated to put up with anything hubby does, because he's sick. I kinda disagree with that. You are a special, important person. At some point, you have to decide what is right for you and your child - that doesn't make you a villain.
You can tell by how quickly you defend him that you do love your husband. You're a good person. But you are a person - you deserve to defend yourself too. Whatever you decide, you really need to give yourself as much consideration as your husband.
Is there some way you could give yourself breaks from him? Is there a remote possibility that he would do marriage counseling? Do you have support system with understanding friends? Would you be happier without him? Did you say that you're in counseling?

I'm here for ya any way that I can help.
Hang in there!

::Hugz::

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 9:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi JoyArtFul,

All good points. I am so thankful to have met you.

I do not mean to defend my husband's bad behavior but you are right that I do when I look back over my writing, I do recognize it as not being right.

Marriage counseling did not work for my husband. It helped me a little, and I have been to extensive counseling on my own, and continue to go as I need to. The 2 counselors we saw (one for a long time - my husband said was 'biased toward him' when we left), both of the counselors said that my husband had a problem looking at himself. The second counselor thought he "would not do well in marriage counseling and was a timebomb". I do not want to leave him but I have wondered if I would be happier without him, yes. I think I would have more peace for sure, I think I would miss many things about him, I think of him as my soulmate for many reasons, I worry about the children if I were to leave their father. There is more at stake because we have two children. I am also a Christian.

I have not shared with my friends that my husband has bipolar disorder, partly out of privacy, partly because I am trying to protect our children in a way, partly because I don't think some would understand why I stay. Most of my living family lives overseas. Although I am a very social person...and love people...it feels very isolating at times.

I must leave for the afternoon but will write more to you later...

Hugz back!
4support

bipolarempress
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2009
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 9/17/2009 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   

I can relate to except we do not have kids.  I am the Bipolar one but it is my husband who flys off the handle. I do not act that way.  I mostly get depressed and cry and I am also on medication have been in therapy for years. He brings up things I did wrong (he thinks) in the past just as your husband does.  He has even brough up his fist to my face but never hit me. He refuses to go to therapy with or without me.  So he is and unmedicated lunitic.  Its been over a month since he has flown of fhe handle and the last time he said if he does it again he will leave.  Now does that make sense? In stead of saying I will go seek help and go to any lenghths to save our marriage he just said I will leave.  Bazzarr!  After his ourbursts over littel things  the next day I say to him, am I am *****, am I selfish and all the things he called me???  I say why would you talk that way to your sweet wife who has done nothing to deserve this treatment?  He will say Iam sorry and I am just very frustrated with my job and it has nothing to do with you!!  You are the sweetest women in the world and you do not deserve this treatment.  Its all about me he says.  He is the most honest man I have ever met, the most ethical, hard working, fun etc.  He just has a flaw like your husband does but you havec hildren and Dr. Phil says it changes who  they are. I know that to be true becasue my dad yelled and scremed at my mom and us kids and was in rages and it effected my self esteem.   I got inot alcohol, etc. I am an adult and know my husband is the crazy one but children do not.  So please get help for you and your children.  We cannot change others but we can change ourselves.


Bipolar Disorder which mainly manifests itself in clincal depression, Severe sleep apnea, Arthritis, plantar faciitis, execma. 


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 3:31 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear bpempress...

Thank you for responding! 

When you ask your husband why he treats his sweet wife that way, he replies that he is sorry and tells you it has nothing to do with you.  I am happy you hear that, because that is really what is missing in our home.  If my husband said that to me, it is so easy to feel better, forgive and move forward.  Mine just finds some reason to blame his own behavior or hurtful words on me, and that is what is so painful to me, and so confusing.

My husband also has many good things about him.  I know he is a good man with a good heart, that's why I've stayed all these years and through the ups and downs. rolleyes I understand he deals with a lot, but so do I when he acts this way.

My children and their well being are my priority.  It upsets me to hear that about your dad, although I know that can happen.  Some of the time he controls himself, some of the time he doesn't.  In therapy, I learned to be very open with my children about "Daddy's rages".  I do not hide things from them which I think is important.  I also make sure they know that the conflict is not their fault, and that Dad should not handle things in that way and that I don't ever expect them to.  I wish so much that he would realize how his lack of self control affects all of us.  The only time it's not comfortable and peaceful in our home is when he is raging or causing chaos in some way.  When I finally get upset and stand up to him or try to talk with him or whatever, he tries to say that I have the problem.  There is no reasoning with him that he is being irrational and not making sense.

I have been in counseling forever it seems to both educate myself and learn how to cope with this situation.  I think taking my children to a counselor with me would be a great idea.  It's hard to talk about this, and my children are young and won't understand the whole scope of what is really going on until they are older.  I try my very best to protect them.  Sometimes mom needs protection and help too, and this is where I am.


tyno3
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1081
   Posted 9/17/2009 3:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I have learned to recognized my extremes of behavior to an extent, and try to get away from everybody when I am experiencing my anger and frustration. When I was younger and dating, I used to joke with BFF's, that the ones that "got away" were the lucky ones, even if at the time they felt jilted, they would understand and Thank Me, eventually. As I grew older, it has become increasingly clear, that although I can enjoy friendships with people, that the "Road Less Traveled", was for me. I messed up greatly, in some respects, burned so many bridges, and it is the people I hurt, not on purpose, but inadvertently, that haunt me, the most. As I said earlier, BiPolar is a disease of perception and no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to make the puzzle pieces fit.
Hypothyroidism, Fibromyalgia, Facet Joint Syndrome, High Blood Pressure, menopause, Migraines, Chest Pain, Anxiety and Depression/BiPolar II
Synthyroid .075mg., estradiol.5 mgs., Amyltriptilene, 100mgs, bedtime, Tylenol 3 PRN (six-eight, daily), Valium 7.5mgs. daily prn. Flexeril, prn (not so helpful), Zoloft,150mgs., Zomig approx. 12 per month, prn., Meds for High Blood Pressure, vary.


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tyno - - I love your honesty, you have awareness and obviously continue to strive to do your best.  You should be very proud of yourself.  And...you are helping people like me, who are trying desperately to understand this illness better.  My husband seems clueless and careless about how he is hurting me, and our family.  I am feeling pretty badly today after his ream-out of me over absolutely nothing last night.  Trying to talk to him last night didn't work, trying to talk to him today made him angrier, meanwhile I get more and more upset and confused.  He is now acting as though he is the victim and I have the problem, when he did all of the damage.  He is very selfish and I can't even talk to him.  He is unreasonable and refuses to see anything he did that could have been handled much better.  He is always right.  Funny thing is, the first thing he told me when I met him over 13 yrs ago was..."when you meet my Dad, don't ever challenge him - he is always right!"

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 4:52 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear JoyArtsful,

I'm just so exhausted from all of my energy trying to deal with him right now.  He is back to being angry because I told him he hurt me last night with his rage and hurtful words.  He's acting like he is the victim and like he has been wronged somehow, and as though I am the one with the problem (again).  I finally started crying out of frustration I guess, and he just coldly ignored me.  I just don't understand it, it's like he is totally into himself and his perceptions, and not 1 care about how I am feeling or about the way he acts that is hurtful.  After trying unsuccessfully to talk with him, I felt physically sick, which I know is from the stress. 


4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/17/2009 4:55 PM (GMT -7)   
What's really bizarre is the depth of emotions at play here now...all because I asked my husband to please have my 7-yr old son go to bed (at 10:30 PM) last night so he could get some rest for school.  What was I thinking being a concerned mother??  Guess he showed me my punishment.  Sorry to be sarcastic, but it's ridiculous.  He treats his co-workers better than he is treating me!

sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/18/2009 3:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello 4support.

I've read each and every post on your query tonight before I submitted my comment and see the same thing over and over again.

You said, " Guess he showed me my punishment.  Sorry to be sarcastic, but it's ridiculous.  He treats his co-workers better than he is treating me!"
 
I believe that was serafena's and poodles point.  Maybe you could go back and re-read their replies and seriously consider that you are just making up excuses for your husband.  He has crushed your self esteem. You deserve better and you are allowing your children to go through some serious issues later in life besides what they are going through right now if you don't start demanding more respect.
 
Sorry...just IMO.  Please re-read their replies.
 
Sincerely wishing you help and happiness for you and your children.


~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia

Post Edited (sukay) : 9/18/2009 4:15:23 AM (GMT-6)


JoyArtFul
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 9/18/2009 11:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey girl,
I've got a challenge for ya -
Try to look at your situation from the outside if you can. Think about only you and your kids for a while.
Truth is, it sounds like hubby has an excuse and is running with it. It's just so unfair to you and your children.
I do actually understand how a little thing can get his emotions going, because I'm that way, but at some point, he has to see how he is acting. If he recognizes his bad behavior and won't even attempt to change it, he isn't showing you any love. If he does not recognize his bad behavior, then he's potentially a very dangerous person.
Honestly, sometimes rage can feel like a "high". I think some people just don't want to stop their rage. However, as big boys and girls we have to.
I know that you're a Christian (me too) and I know that you love your husband. But you need to love YOU. You deserve love. Period.
I'm still unsure what to tell you to do... I think you're the only one who can figure that out. But I do understand what a complicated frustrating mess this is for you, and I care. I hope that is of at least a little comfort.
Has hubby ever been physically violent with you guys? Or even things? (throwing stuff, punching walls, etc.)

4support
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 9/18/2009 6:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Sukay,
 
I'm sure you have good intentions, but your post comes across very harsh and judgemental.
 
My intention of sharing my struggle with this forum was to get some insight from those who suffer from BP on the irritability issues, where it comes from, do they really mean what they say, what works, what doesn't work, etc...it's always been a supportive and comforting place to come.
 
Of course you are free to read the posts on my thread, but I do not appreciate you stating that you "see the same things over and over again" when I am communicating back and forth with many friends on this forum, and receiving valuable and supportive insight.  I would never dream of reading your private posts and saying something like that.
 
I doubt anyone comes here to be judged, and the truth is - because I have self-esteem - that is why I stand up to my husband and recognize what he is doing is wrong.  Because I have stayed does not mean I have no self esteem.  I have a wonderful counselor who helps me with this.  I am not defending his verbal abuse, and anything I wrote which may have portrayed that comes from the place in my heart that has loved many things about this man for 13 years.  I want to be fair and not portray him as a horrible person.  And...maybe I need to clarify that he is this way a handful of times all year.  No, that does not make it right.  It is absolutely wrong.  It's kind of bizarre how he switches from a gentle, loving person to a verbally abusive one.  That's what makes this such a hard situation, and hard to know what the right thing to do is.  When he has his verbal rants, it clearly makes me upset.  Most of the time, after everything is said, he is remorseful (not always).  I don't know yet what I will do if it continues much longer.  The comments I made on the post last night were simply venting.  Of course I know I don't 'deserve the treatment', that was sarcasm.
 
I love to hear suggestions, but I am not here to be criticized for what you believe I am not doing, or the content of my threads criticized.  You are not in my position but yet you are telling me that "I do not demand respect".  How do you know that?  So you are saying that to 'demand respect', the only option is to leave my bipolar husband and break apart our family?
 
Serafina, there are NO CAPS allowed, but someone can speak in this tone of voice to someone, and bold and underline their remarks, and tell the poster to 're-read their replies' and that they 'see the same things over and over again on their thread'??  I surely hope not, this is supposed to be a safe place to come.
 
 

Whyus
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 9/19/2009 12:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey 4support.  I say vent away all you want!  You're free to do so in my opinion. 
 
I have a bipolar hubby, three small children, an awesome high paying career and GREAT self esteem, but I have also felt very much like you are feeling now and have put up with crazy episodes from my husband as you have. 
 
With support from my best friend and the people on this forum, I have gone to counseling alone and with my husband so that we could get a handle on this nasty ugly bipolar illness.  
 
Putting up or not putting up with a bipolar husband's tirades has nothing to do with self esteem.  It's not you.  It's him.  According to any counselor you see:  they can't control the rages and you have to just left it all roll off you (pretend you are a robot).  Sorry this advice just kills me.  
 
You have to continue the counseling for yourself and somehow you have to get your husband to go to marriage counseling ASAP so that you can get help to help him help himself for your marriage.  
 
I'm not sure if you mentioned whether he takes meds or not, but they do help and he needs them.  You need him to take them. 
 
Once you get him the help he needs, things will get better.  They will.  They did for me.  I was persistent and patient and supportive and we got some help and things got better- they aren't perfect but they are definitely better than they were a year ago.  
 
Just push on in a loving way (as hard as thay might be since he's mean at the moment) until you get him to see a pdoc and a therapist.  It won't always be the way it is now for you.  Get him help and then things change, but he has to want it.
 
If he isn't willing to get any help, then you probably have really consider whether you stay or you go.   
 
Good luck.  I hope my two cents worth of advice and experience helps you.  You are not alone.
 
-whyus
 


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 9/19/2009 1:08 PM (GMT -7)   

4support,

You said, "My intention of sharing my struggle with this forum was to get some insight from those who suffer from BP on the irritability issues, where it comes from, do they really mean what they say, "

I have bipolar and that is why I am here.  I know all about irritability issues and where it comes from.  You are the one asking if "they" mean what they say.  I guess my post will answer your question.

I meant exactly what I said in my previous reply to you but obviously you totally misinterpreted what I had said.  I have been on this forum for a very long time too and people around here can vouch for my character. 

I did not know that I was not your friend or that I was breaking any rules by replying to "your private posts".   We don't have those around here.  This is an open forum and we have e-mails for private conversations.

I will not bother to read any of your private posts as you requested. 

I hope you find the answers that you want.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/19/2009 2:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Let me remind everyone of Rule #4 No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun off, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and well-being are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.

Venting is fine, but please try to be open to all the responses you get, 4 support. You can take them or leave them, but know that everyone here is well-meaning and trying to respond as helpfully and honestly as possible.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

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