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clowdy
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/23/2009 7:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello,

I don't know what to do, I don't know if my Wife is suffering from BPD though I am a bit more assured after reading some of the posts here. After being chased out of our house this morning (again) by a slew of insults and threats that stemmed from the cat jumping onto our bed (she always does early in the morning so i will feed her) I did not know where else to turn, I have nobody to talk to about this and to say that i am feeling a little hopeless or helpless is an understatement.

The next step is to go and see a psychiatrist myself because i feel sometimes like it is me that is going crazy or that maybe i deserve the treatment she gives me and im just not seeing what i do that makes her so mad. She unloads on me for the smallest things and its not like she just gets a little mad, she calls me names that are so hurtful, that cut so deep, the likes of which i will not spell out here because they go beyond obscenity. The next day however, or even later on in the day of such an event, which occurs at least weekly anymore, all will be well as if it never happened, really...never happened! There is never any resolve, never an apology, if I try to talk with her about it she just blows up again and says things like, 'oh poor you, your such a victim, its always you you you!' She has hit me, she has thrown things at me. I am afraid at what she is doing when i am not there and her 4 yr old son is, let alone our cat and dog.

(edited out this paragraph as per forum posting rules)

She does help with some of the financial aspects of living, but she doesn't work. I do all the yard work and a fair amount of the house work, in fact, until we moved 6 weeks ago into our new house that has a dishwasher she never, and i mean never cleaned the kitchen and rarely cleaned anything else. My income pays all our utilities and our mortgage and whatever is left goes to house upkeep, groceries etc. I keep nothing for myself and even that isn't good enough, i hear all the time about how i don't do Sh-t ever and I'm useless.

I know how this sounds, i read it and think to myself what on earth i am doing? Honestly though, when she is not manic she is a really good mom and a good wife and my best friend and it breaks my heart to pieces. I love her with every fiber of my being, she is my soul mate and i married her because i want to truly spend the rest of my life with her and none other. Her personality has a lighter side, and ive never met a woman that treats me as good as she does when she is not angry about something, she is literally like a female Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and there is no telling the difference between the two until something sets her off. I am at a loss as to what to do or how to help her or our relationship...she just keeps getting worse.

I have tried to suggest seeing a doctor both when we are fighting and when she is not in one of her manic states, she outright refuses saying that when she was younger (her mom passed away when she was 14) she tried all that and it didn't work and how dare i even bring it up. I have tried to talk with her about her temper and about just trying to take it easier on me, this leads to the 'poor you, poor you' routine. I have tried to talk with her about her consumption levels and she refuses to acquiesce to slowing down or even listening to what i am saying.

I Do Not Know What To Do, I don't know if it is just me, i don't know if i should get a divorce even knowing full well how much it would hurt me to do so. I am stuck and feeling pretty darned sad and helpless about it and I know as a result i am falling deeper and deeper into depression. Im not uneducated by any means, i hold an MA in anthropology and i work as a full time research associate so its not for lack of understanding the situation that has me feeling so destitute... its in not knowing what to do next.

some of you here have been leveling with this for some time, I am new and lost. I want to be that rock that some of you speak of with regards to your husbands being there for you, how can i be that rock? How can i be that ray of light and hope for her? I just want her to be happy, which will in turn make me happy... i need help. thank you for reading this and letting me get this off my chest, its good to know that there might be some hope in all this.

yours,

Post Edited (clowdy) : 9/23/2009 9:37:01 AM (GMT-6)


chrisnsteph1022
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 973
   Posted 9/23/2009 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome! I'm sorry you're dealing with this and it sounds like you really want to help. Unfortunately, you can't help the unwilling. When I was manic, I wanted NO help at all. But when depressed, I decided I DID need help afterall. It helped to have my hubby with me at the pdoc. He asks me how I'm feeling, if I need anything, etc. all the time. He listens to me and doesn't let me push his buttons. He knows when I'm in a mood and knows when to leave me alone or when to just hug me.

As for your enabling, it sounds like that's a very bad situation, especially with a small child in the home. You need to stop buying for her.

Your comment about her rage and being alone with the 4yo worries me. Has she ever shown any indication of hurting him? Any unexplained injuries?
Stephanie, 29, married for 10 wonderful years and mommy to two awesome toddlers
dx with Crohn's 4/2003, in remission from 11/2003 to 7/2009
omeprazole 40mg, zoloft 100mg, apriso 1500mg, dicyclomine 3/day
dx with bipolar II 8/2009, re-diagnosed with bipolar I 9/09
Apparently allergic to lamictal...waiting on next rx


clowdy
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/23/2009 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
I have stopped, and no she loves her son and her explosive temper remains verbal. It has only crossed that threshold twice, as far as i know, and it has only been toward me. I do want to help and, most importantly, i want us to have a happy life together.

JoyArtFul
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 9/23/2009 10:06 AM (GMT -7)   
You sound like such a kind guy, and so willing to help.
I got kinda worried when I read the part - "I just want her to be happy, which will in turn make me happy... i need help."
I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. My husband is one of those rocks, he really keeps my world turning sometimes. However, I agree with Steph - you can't help the unwilling.
I know that for me, I had to reach my own breaking point before I really opened up to my husband. Not because I didn't trust him - I just didnt want to face reality.
He has learned to disarm me. I'm not really sure how he figured it out.
I sometimes just get so depressed that I want to be angry - just to feel something else. Unfortunately, I often pick on him. A couple of weeks ago he came in to one of my little fits, but before I could say anything he says "Are you mad at me?" and smiles. Then he stood there and held me while I cried my eyes out.
I'm not suggesting that you use that line. On another day, it might have made me even more angry.
I think the main thing that makes him that "rock" is that all of my emotions are okay with him. Really. I can cry for days and rant for hours (although I try very hard not to direct it at him.) He just listens quietly, and intently. Then we move on.
I cannot imagine how hard it is for him, or what you're going through.
But I think reaching out for help is a definite start.
Maybe you could consider seeing a therapist. It might help you work through some of the pain, and figure out what you want to do next?
Also, maybe if she saw you going to a therapist, she would be a little disarmed by it. Just be careful that it doesn't sound like "I'm going to the doctor, cuz you drove me crazy!"
Hang in there!

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/23/2009 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi clowdy,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board.

It doesn't sound like you want to leave, it sounds like you need someone to help you figure out how to communicate with your wife. Her bipolar is making communication really hard, but it's not impossible. However, as Stephanie pointed out, she has to want to get help, to change. Maybe she doesn't see her behavior as creating a crisis because you're not clear enough with her about how much her behavior hurts you. I would suggest marriage counseling, but I sense she would resist. Therefore I think you might benefit from individual therapy to help you learn how to talk to her and deal with the frustration that comes from being married to someone so resistant to even the gentlist criticism.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

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