Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Pippin
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 9/23/2009 7:04 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm feeling pretty bad right now and have been since March when my husband and I split. I'm tired.  Most days I wonder what the point is.  My psyc asked me the other day if I felt that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I said "I hope so".  I just can't see it.  Everyone thinks I'm upset about my marriage falling apart (except my most wonderfull supporter and best friend) and that I want to go back.  The reality is that I am glad that I left, things were aweful. My meds have almost doubled and I still don't feel better.  I had a fairly good week last week, but its all falling apart again.  My ex is being mean and vindictive and I don't know how to cope.  Most days I feel like I'm unwravelling.  I wish this would just end. I know feeling hopeless and helpless are symptoms of depression, I've been here before but it doesn't make it any easier.  I have struggled through this illness for 8 years (since I was diagnosed I have no idea how long I stuggled before that, it seems like it was my whole life) and it doesn't get better.  I have my good times but mostly I just cycle between depression and mania and I'm TIRED! I want to close my eyes and forget about everything.  I know this isn't good, and I'm getting help but what do I do in the mean time? I go to the gym, I use my light therapy lamp, I do yoga and I wait for the meds to kick in. But I don't feel better.  I have tried so hard to except this illness, but I hate it right now.  I would welcome a bout of mania right now, but I know how many problems I have to try and fix when I get better.  I've done that too many times.  I want someone to tell me it will all be OK so that I can yell at them and tell them it won't.  Its infuriating . I do all the things I am supossed to and I still don't feel better.
 
 And I know that I can't spell

mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 9/23/2009 9:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Pippen...I have at many times been feeling like you do. Feeling that endless cycle between depression and mania is tiring and draining. It sounds like you are very proactive in your BP health...and that is wonderful. But it sounds as though you just might still not be right med wise. Besides your psych, do you attend any kind of talk therapy? That is what helped me the most...along with the meds.

I am sorry you are also going through a divorce while feeling this way....that can't be good. Feel free to vent here as much as you need to. There are a lot of understanding ears.
Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet? - L. M. Montgomery


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 9/24/2009 12:00 AM (GMT -7)   
blush  hi im also new to this site but hope i can also help?? i have suffered chronic depression,bi-polar and panic disorder since i was about 27 and am now 41. i fully understand where you are coming from. i would agree with the other post in regard's to your medication's which sound like they are not very effective for you at this time in ur life and also it sound's like you just need to talk to people who understand where ur coming from and vent some of that **** in ur mind?? do you have any support systems in place for when ur feeling so bad? and if u do i really hope u use them as it does help even if u think otherwise. if u need to talk about anything my ear's are alway's open o.k. take care of you!!! rose-bud40.....   cool
HELLO TO ALL. I HAVE JUST JOINED THIS SITE TODAY AND AM LOOKING FORWARD TO TALKING TO OTHER FELLOW OSTOMATES OUT THERE!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN AN OSTOMATE FOR 8YRS NOW BUT AM STILL HAVING TERRIBLE TROUBLE TRYING TO ACCEPT THIS AND ALSO INTIMACY PROBLEMS!! I ALSO SUFFER FROM CHRONIC DEPPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS. IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE THAT CAN GIVE ME SOME ADVISE IN REGARDS TO ANY OF THESE ISSUES IT WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED. THX TO ALL. ROSE-BUD40. :)))))))


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/24/2009 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi rose-bud40,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. Thanks for adding your experience and wisdom to ours.

How are you feeling? What drugs are you on?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


Pippin
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 9/24/2009 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
THank you for all of your kind words and support. I do have a support system in place but it is very limited. Most people don't seem to understand bi-polar disorder. The supports that I have are wonderful. I was in talk therapy and it was going very well, but I can no longer afford it as my ex has taken me off his benifits. I am going to court to fight this and other issues which make me to angry to talk about without breaking some rules.
My psych is very supportive, I have been with him for 4 years now and he is great. He is hesitant to make too many changes to my meds right now as he feels a lot of this is situational and he is concerned that I will become manic, which is much harder for us to control.
I take Lamital, which I know a lot of people have trouble with but it has worked very well for me for the past 6 years. I'm currently on Cipralex (not sure of spelling) as an anti depressent as well as some new one, I can't remember the name. I unfourtunately have been very difficult to medicate. I am allergic to many mood stablers and have a-typical reactions to a lot of antidepressents. This has been extreamly frustrating, but we just do our best to muddle through.
For a few years my husband was supportive of my illness, he knew before we got involved and did a lot of research about the illness pior to our becoming serious. Then he started using it as a means to control me. He encouraged me to leave work to find a less demanding job, then discouraged me from getting another one. This made me totally reliable on him financially. When ever I had a good day, or bad day, it was always my illness and not that I was human. He discouraged me to talk to my friends, saying that he understood me and that he was the only support I needed. When I finally decided to leave him he claimed that I was manic, tried to take me to the hospital, phoned my friends and family and my doctors. While this may sound like concern and not an attempt to control his actions were not that simple. He refused to listen to anyone, saying that I was lying to my doctors and my friends and family, that he was the only one who knew what this was and that I was rapid cycling. We tried to point out to him that trained doctors would likely be able to figure out what was wrong even if I was being dishonest and the reality was that I never missed an appointment, I never missed my meds and I reached out for additional help. He continued to insist that I was manic. This has made our divorce process very difficult.
I am sorry about the rant, but it feels good to get it out. Despite the fact that I have spent a lot of my time in this forum unloading I would like people to know that I do listen, infact I think I am pretty good at it. But on days like today I just need to rant.

Thank you all for taking the time to "listen". I hope that I will have the chance to return the favour.

Pippin

topsyturvy
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 9/24/2009 10:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry things are rough right now. I know you feel in the depression aspect of things, I'm there right now and it certainly takes it right out of me some days. I don't have much of a support system other then my husband so as far as who I can talk to it's a bit harder for me. I just started seeing a psychiatrist so I'm still in the early stages of this whole diagnosis. But I'm hoping to get out of this funk soon so I can back to what I consider normal.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
Ramie
 
Zanaflax, Savella, Seroquel, ambien and occasionally a pain killer
 
Fibro, Bi-Polar, PCOS

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Sunday, December 04, 2016 3:26 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,732,437 posts in 301,021 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151185 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, monjurmuradd.
170 Guest(s), 0 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details



Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer