Wife is bipolar

Stay away and give her space or move back in?
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Stay away - 100.0%
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Move back in - 0.0%

 
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confuzedinAZ
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/29/2009 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,
I've been with my wife for 7 years, married for 2, and she says now that she's not happy and that we're not compatable and that she needs space and wants me to move out for a month so she can take care of herself and get better (I'm not sure what that means exactly).  She went to her doctor and he said that she should go see a psychiatrist.  I don't know if she has an appointment or not, but I hope she goes.  When someone who's bipolar says they need space, is that what they really want?  I moved out with some clothes, etc. to give her space because I thought that would help but I'm second guessing myself and thinking I should have stayed because she needs to get help.  Her mom is in town staying with her so she's not alone, but I don't think I'm really helping.  I feel like I'm sort of withdrawing or appeasing her and giving her control, which is what she really wants.  I don't want things to fall apart and I want to be there for her to help her anyway I can.  I'm paying all the bills too so she said she can't really kick me out, so I agreed to move out if it would help make things better.  One thing happened before I left.  She was crying in bed and I asked her what was wrong and she said she was sad.  I told her it doesn't have to be like this.  She said that she couldn't have what she wanted and that what she wanted and what she needed were two different things.  I asked her what she wanted and she could never tell me.  It's like she's come to the conclusion that we aren't right for each other and that I need to go in order for her to move on.  She thinks we fight because we aren't compatable and doesn't know that she's depressed because she's bipolar.  She's never admitted that she's bipolar and hates it when I mention it.  We were arguing a while back and I told her if she kept it up I was going to leave, so she dared me to leave and I left.  I slept at my buddy's place that night, which according to her is a deal breaker since I didn't come home.  I'm kicking myself for forgetting that that was a deal breaker for her.  I let my anger get the best of me.  So that was the start of it all, about 3 weeks ago.  So, do I stay moved out and give her space or do I go back and tell her I'm not going anywhere and that I'm here to help her and be by her side?
 
Thank you for your advice!
 

ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 9/29/2009 8:28 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm sorry you are suffering, it is never easy. I am currently going through a divorce where BP is a contributing factor, so I know how painful it can be.

I am not sure we have enough information to give you advice. It might help to fill in some of the blanks.

Has she been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder? If so, is she taking medication? Has she had individual counseling/therapy?

Have there been other problems in your marriage, and this might actually be nothing to do with a mental health issue?

Have you both gone through marriage counseling?

confuzedinAZ
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/29/2009 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
She hasn't been professionally "diagnosed" with having bipolar. She's in denial and I don't know if she would answer the questions honestly or not. I can say that I've read a lot on bipolar disorder and I would say she's BPII. She's mostly depressed and sometimes in a good mood. We've gone to couseling in the past and it helped, but now when I mention it she says, "we tried that before. I'm not going to go to counseling my whole life." She's taking Lorazapram? for anxiety. So if she's depressed, anxiety, overwhelmed all the time, stressed out, mood swings, illogical, that sounds like BP to me. I've worked with two people, one's ex-wife is bipolar and he and I would share stories. Another girl's mom is bipolar. Trust me, I'm no doctor, but the shoe definitely fits. We've had problems, but mostly financial and just typical arguments. She can't get a job, so that's been hard too.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/29/2009 9:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi confuzed,

If she hasn't been diagnosed bipolar do not accuse her of being so. You can tell her you want her to see a psychiatrist because she's so unhappy, but bipolar carries a huge stigma. Bipolar is difficult to diagnose. It's more than just mood swings. You may be right, of course, but there are several other disorders which overlap with bipolar: depression, borderline personality disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder, etc. Only a qualified professional should diagnose someone. I even advise people not to go to their general practitioner with psychiatric complaints, just because the disorders are so tricky to diagnose and there are so many different treatment options.

That said, you can be separated from your wife and still very involved with her. Do you see her every day? Have you considered asking her out on a date? You can still have a great deal of influence, and its clear she still loves you. People with mental disorders often doubt the wisdom of their situations and relationships, but if you show her that you're more of a help than a hurt she may want to fix your relationship.

Repair your relationship a bit before you press her to get help. You're going to have to build up trust again. I'd really recommend marital counseling.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


confuzedinAZ
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/29/2009 10:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Good points.  As much as I may think she's bipolar and has all the symptoms, I should ease into it and just try and get her help and to see a psychiatrist.  Yes, she is very negative on the bipolar label since she thinks that if she's bipolar then she's crazy or something, which is not the case. 
 
No, I haven't seen her in two days.  I haven't asked her out on a date.  I thought that would be counterproductive if she wants space.  Here's one for ya, our 2nd wedding anniversary is Oct 6th and her b-day is Oct 25th!  Talk about a doozy of a month!  How do I handle these?  I would love to go to counseling with her, but she didn't want to and said that we did that in the past, so basically she's giving up on that idea.  Maybe she thinks that with someone else, she won't need to go to counseling and things will be better.  But they won't.  She'll have the same problems, which is what I fear the most - having her not recognize her issues and just finding someone else and avoiding the whole thing. 

ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 9/29/2009 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Serafena is giving you some great advice.

Stay away as long as you can afford it, but try to stay involved. Go on a date if she agrees to one, but don't put any pressure on her. Just be yourself and let her see the man she fell in love with.

Perhaps write her a letter knowing how much you care for her and want her in your life, but that you are worried for her and think that seeing a psychiatrist would be valuable to her.

If she does have bipolar disorder and is in an episode, then no amount of struggling and fighting on your part will help. In fact it can hurt things.

Good luck confuzedinAZ

confuzedinAZ
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/29/2009 10:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, I appreciate that.  That makes a lot of sense.
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