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serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/15/2009 10:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,

I'm really struggling right now. Fighting through the deepest depression. I was hospitalized, as you know, at the end of August, and I thought that'd done the trick. They put me on lithium, and that helped a lot. But right now I'm as dark as can be, and need to remind myself how much my family needs me. My one thought is my little girl. I saw my pdoc yesterday and she put me back on 1mg of Abilify. We'll see if that does it.

Anyway,
It helps to hear from you all, to see your names on the screen and know you're out there. I hope you're well.

Love,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


O Buddy Boy
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 10/15/2009 11:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh, Serafena, how I know that feeling.

I understand.

I see you have a little girl and a family. Knowing they need you can help a lot.

I had a dog who used to lick the tears off my face. She'd never reprimand me or tell me to snap out of it. She always understood. She'd just nuzzle me gently for a while then remind me when it was time to play.

Now I have two small, year-old wiener dogs. They are sisters with two very different personalities and such clowns. They know I have been sick and they are very concerned. Right now they are bundled up on the couch together as cute as a Hallmark greeting card.

If you lived here I'd invite you over to watch them chase each other around their "Wiener Dog NASCAR Track in the garden out back. They can get a smile out of the most depressed person. I know.

You are Bi-Polar, there will be better tomorrows. This is always a bad and painful part of the ride.

LIVE STRONG.

OBB
55 yo
Dx:9/29/09
DRE: Susp
PSA: 3.5
Gleason: 3+4/7
6/12 Cores Positive
1%, 3%, 8%, 15%, 12%
RALP: 10/0/09
PATH: Not back yet


fast1
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 10/15/2009 1:16 PM (GMT -7)   
hello sorry to hear your in such a bad place right now.  depression is the worst part of bipolar.  my doctor also put me on lithium and adilify 30 .  i am now on depoke which seems to be helping the depression. maybe it can help for you.  hope your feeling better soon and keep having hope.

Learning2fly
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 10/15/2009 2:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Serafina, I feel so badly for you. I know what that place is like and I am really close to it right now. I use jokes and am really good at masking my depression when I need to. It must be so hard for you to come in here each day. I'll be praying for you that you come up soon. I know I would prefer to live a bit on the higher side than this one. This too shall pass. Believe! And whatever you do, don't lose hope. We need you here. More than that, we care about you here. {{{{HUGS}}}} Evelyn
 
Major depression; Bipolar Disorder; Fibromyalgia; Spinal Stenosis; right arm and leg nerve compression; cataracts; glaucoma; IBS; RLS; hypothyroidism; B12 deficiency ... that's enough or I'll get more depressed.


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 10/15/2009 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh my dear serafena,
 
My heart aches for you!  You have been through so much this year and I am really, really concerned for you.
 
Please know that you are on my mind!  I haven't been myself either lately, but I come here pretty often to read and catch up.  As soon as I read your post tonight I just had to respond!
 
Know that we all care deeply for you here and for all the work that you do to help keep us all together and on solid ground.
 
I'm glad that you posted to let us know how difficult it still is for you.
 
If you were here with me right now I would bundle up with you and go on a haunted halloween walk through the neighborhood and look at all the decorations that everyone has up around their house.  Everybody around here seems to really go all out on that with lights and everything!
 
Then we could make some grilled cheese sandwiches and watch Abbott & Costello meets Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolfman in a dark room lit only by candlelight and have a few laughs.
 
I will be keeping you in my thoughts!!! 
 

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/16/2009 12:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone,

I really, really appreciate your thoughts. Sukay, you are the sweetest. We struggle on together, don't we? I took today off work and got my hair cut. That helped. Hopefully I'll be feeling more like myself after a quiet weekend.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


mommy.michele
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 369
   Posted 10/16/2009 1:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Serefena...I feel for you so much. Having been to that horrible darkness before, I know it is not fun. Remeber that you are greatly loved in life and are a pivotal part of many people's existence. You have been through so much, I think your mind is just having a hard time with fully processing it all. I hope soon you are feeling better.
Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet? - L. M. Montgomery


_Christina
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 10/16/2009 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Serefena,
I hope that the lifted mood stuck as the evening went on.  So smart of you to break out of the routine and do something for yourself!  You are so important to so many people.  I have to say that I cried when I saw the replies to your post.  This is what this post is here for- to hold each other together all that we can.  You always seem to respond to whatever I write, and say just what needs to be said.
 
I know what it is like to have a little girl arround that you have to think of when the pit looms dark in front of you.  My girls are no longer fazed when they see mom randomly cry, or spend the evening in my room.  I get great hugs, but it doesn't scare them anymore like it used to. (Not sure if that is good or bad, not that I think about it)
 
It seems like a lot of us are not doing the greatest just now.  I feel the pull, like I have to struggle harder to be OK now.  It would be so much easier to just give up and fall in.  Don't do it!  It is worth the struggle to resist!  Keep giving us updates, and I hope you know that I am pulling for you.
 Christina
Even though I do not understand where I am going on the path that God has laid out for me, I must submit to His plan and trust that He will take me where I need to be. 
 
Current medications:
Bipolar treatment-Lamictal, 200mg, Mood stabelizer, daily(main side effect: brain fog) Bipolar treatment-Cymbalta, 40mg, Antidepressant, daily(main side effect: GI upset, decreased clotting, insominia) Anemia, Fatigue treatment- Iron supplement, 65mg, daily(main side effect: constipation) Insominia treatment- Ambien, 10mg, daily(main side effect: amnesia eppisodes between taking pill and falling asleep) Mania treatment- Alprazolam, .25mg, Very rarely(main side effect: fatigue, slowing of thoughts, depression of CNS, can't take ambien or vicodin when on it) RA treatment- Plaquenil, 400mg, daily(main side effect: GI upset, decreased clotting) RA treatment- Methotrexate, 25mg, 1X weekly(main side effects: hair loss, stomach upset, mouth sores, sore muscles, fatigue, brain fog, compromised immune system, decreased Folic Acid absorption) GI upset treatment- Leucovorin Calcium, 10mg 1x weekly(main side effects: ?) Folic Acid defintioncy- Folic Acid, 1mg, daily(main side effects: ?) Multi-mineral Supplement (main side effects: constipation, GI upset) Constipation treatment- Docusate Sodium, 200mg, daily(main side effects:?) pain control- Motrin, 800mg, PRN Q6hours daily(main side effects: GI upset, decreased clotting) Pain Control- Vicodin, 5-500mg, PRN Q12hours 3-4 times weekly (main side effects: brain fog, fatigue)
 
 
 
 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/17/2009 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Christina,

It's so hard, the way this disorder affects not just us but our families as well. Even the strongest of us suffer with it. It does seem like a bunch of us are struggling right now. Maybe it's the change in seasons. But I hope we ALL get the help we need and get on the good side again.

You take care too. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. They're very sweet.


serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


chrisnsteph1022
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 973
   Posted 10/18/2009 1:57 PM (GMT -7)   
{{hugs}} I don't post much, but I read daily. I always look forward to your posts and am glad you're here.
Stephanie, 29, married for 10 wonderful years and mommy to two awesome toddlers
dx with Crohn's 4/2003, in remission from 11/2003 to 7/2009
omeprazole 40mg, zoloft 100mg, apriso 1500mg, dicyclomine 3/day
dx with bipolar II 8/2009, re-diagnosed with bipolar I 9/09
Apparently allergic to lamictal...waiting on next rx


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/18/2009 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Stephanie. I appreciate that. It's always good to see you.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

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