2 month episode, still going

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mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/1/2009 8:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone,
 
I'm sorry to always post when I'm down, honestly.  I have been deeply depressed for almost 2 months now.  We have increased my meds...once, now upping again with possibilty of going up again in two weeks if I am not better. (upping the Mirapex, my depression fighter; I am so sad that's it's not doing the job it was before...)
 
Yesterday I really hit rock bottom, not the first time in this episode.  We had to go out grocery shopping.  I don't have to explain to any of you that absolutely everything has been completely overwhelming for me.  I haven't been able to do anything for several weeks, days on end.  Anyway we went and on the way there I had a terrible panic attack and I didn't have my clonazepam with me, so I did some breathing and I don't know how I got through the store and home.  When I got home I asked bf to put the groceries away because I had to go lay down.  I went upstairs took a clonazepam and just laid on the bed and stared out the window terrified at how hopeless I was feeling.  I started crying into the pillow just feeling I couldn't deal with this any longer.  I was going to call crisis but I didn't.  I just drifted off for about 20 minutes and then got up and got supper ready.
 
My sister is coming to stay here with us for a day or two this week, I have been trying all weekend to get the house cleaned up.  I've been taking it as slow as I can; meantime doing endless laundry...It's too much.
 
The job is still extremely boring and pdoc is worried about this.  I know christina on this board suggested me taking a book to read on a past post (thanks christina...I do take one, with this depression it's hard to concentrate, but I do get some reading in)  Unfortunately there just isn't nearly enough to do, but I can't walk away from the hospital, it took so much to get there. 
 
I feel totally unable to get through this one.  I don't know how I can possibly do what I need to do.....
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 4mg/day, Mirapex .75 mg/day & Lamictal 350 mg/day


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/1/2009 8:06 PM (GMT -6)   
((((((Mogli)))))))

You post whenever you need to, that's just fine.

I'm so sorry the depression and anxiety have amped up. Don't stress yourself over the housework -- that only makes it worse. Do a very little bit at a time, don't wear yourself out, and be honest about what your sister will and won't notice. She's coming to see you, not your waxed kitchen floor. Do the toilet, take a break... etc. If you do a little bit at a time, it will help. Also, don't forget to delegate to the bf! I know I let my anxieties about housework build and build and forget that if I ask him, my husband is happy to do a little vacuuming. It's not that he minds housework, he just doesn't see the dirt the way I do. (I wish I could not see it!) So if I tell him the room needs dusting, he dusts. It's fine. Try that too.

I'm glad you're still seeing your pdoc. Keep us in the loop.

hugs,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


sukay
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1432
   Posted 11/5/2009 5:18 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi Mogli,

Just wanted to let you know that I read your post this morning and that I'm thinkin of you.

I really hope you're feeling somewhat better.

How is it going?

(((Hugs))) ~sukay~ blush


~sukay~
 Bipolar - 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 
 
Leo Buscaglia


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/6/2009 6:05 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you both for your support.  Thanks for the advice about the housework Serafena; I did my best at following it. I am not feeling any better at all.  It's been a week at the increase.  I really don't know what I'm going to do.  It's definitely the job for the most part.
 
My sister and the kids left yesterday, I am relieved to have some quiet and rest.  I am dreading going to work in 10 mins; I better get going though....
 
Thanks again, I'll keep in touch.  I am reading HW at work...I was trying to be careful of my internet use, but I need the support too much right now.
 
Mogs
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 4mg/day, Mirapex .75 mg/day & Lamictal 350 mg/day


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/6/2009 8:48 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh, sad Mogli, I'm so sorry. Maybe its time to reevaluate the job. It's just unreasonable to be so unhappy with what you do so much of the time.

I hope your sister's visit went well. I love seeing family, but its so stressful for me. I have to really gear up for it and then really decompress afterwards. Be nice to yourself.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


unresolved
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/7/2009 11:39 PM (GMT -6)   
  Hi Mogli,
 I've just become a new member and I read your message. I might not have any sage
 advice for what you should do,but I certainly understand how you're feeling right now.
 I'm not depressed right now but I have been many times.  So I just thought  that
 knowing there are others who have been there and understand what you're going
 through might help a little.
                                                                              unresolved

_Christina
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 11/8/2009 12:36 AM (GMT -6)   
went through my own phase reciently. even my good days are teary lately. see psy tuesday. pretend hugs, ok? i'll hang in there if you will.
 Christina
Even though I do not understand where I am going on the path that God has laid out for me, I must submit to His plan and trust that He will take me where I need to be. 
 
Current medications:
Bipolar treatment-Lamictal, 200mg, Mood stabelizer, daily(main side effect: brain fog) Bipolar treatment-Cymbalta, 40mg, Antidepressant, daily(main side effect: GI upset, decreased clotting, insominia) Anemia, Fatigue treatment- Iron supplement, 65mg, daily(main side effect: constipation) Insominia treatment- Ambien, 10mg, daily(main side effect: amnesia eppisodes between taking pill and falling asleep) Mania treatment- Alprazolam, .25mg, Very rarely(main side effect: fatigue, slowing of thoughts, depression of CNS, can't take ambien or vicodin when on it) RA treatment- Plaquenil, 400mg, daily(main side effect: GI upset, decreased clotting) RA treatment- Methotrexate, 25mg, 1X weekly(main side effects: hair loss, stomach upset, mouth sores, sore muscles, fatigue, brain fog, compromised immune system, decreased Folic Acid absorption) GI upset treatment- Leucovorin Calcium, 10mg 1x weekly(main side effects: ?) Folic Acid defintioncy- Folic Acid, 1mg, daily(main side effects: ?) Multi-mineral Supplement (main side effects: constipation, GI upset) Constipation treatment- Docusate Sodium, 200mg, daily(main side effects:?) pain control- Motrin, 800mg, PRN Q6hours daily(main side effects: GI upset, decreased clotting) Pain Control- Vicodin, 5-500mg, PRN Q12hours 3-4 times weekly (main side effects: brain fog, fatigue)
 
 
 
 


unresolved
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/8/2009 1:54 AM (GMT -6)   
thanks and I'll try
Missiea

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 11/8/2009 8:32 AM (GMT -6)   
Unresolved~ Welcome to HW!  And thank you all for the support.  Needed the hugs Christina (((hugs))), thanks.  And it's a deal, I'll "hang in" :-) if you will.
 
As for this job of mine, I was talking to some secretaries who have been in the hospital for a long time (they do not know that I am bp, and won't) but they hope things will pick up for me but also acknowledged that once you're in the hospital you've got your foot in the door.  I absolutely cannot leave and give up this opportunity.  I am one month away from finishing my probationary period there and after that I could seek another job internally if one should match what I am looking for.  But that is the other thing; right now I am the secretary for psychiatrists and I want to stay in mental health.  It's a comfort to me knowing I am working for those who care about illnesses we all suffer from.  It's something that I have a strong belief in.  The bordem I am hoping will cease sooner than later....I just feel I have to hang in there for now.
 
Having said all that, I do know how this is affecting my health, and my pdoc is concerned.  I am going to do everything I can to get through this and keep my job.  Over the last few days, I have felt a little lift so maybe I am on my way out of this episode...
 
Today I have a family thing to go to at my Dad's.  I am gearing up....
 
I can't tell you how much it means to me to have your support in this.  I know you all know how I am feeling and please know that I am also there with all of you through your battles.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 4mg/day, Mirapex .75 mg/day & Lamictal 350 mg/day


unresolved
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/8/2009 11:37 AM (GMT -6)   
I think its wonderful that you are still able to work, I haven't been able to for a long
time. I hope you find that position you're looking for and that things get better.
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