New to the board...Please help.

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LostinLinden
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/6/2009 2:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone, I'm new to this board and honestly a little nervous about this whole thing.  I really need some advice and obviously people around me don't understand what I'm going through so I need help from you guys.  Here's my story:
 
I've been married for almost 5 years and my wife has been dealing with BP pretty much the whole time.  When we first started dating she was caught shoplifting and was arrested, later she left me and spent the night at a guy's house that I never knew about until later.  All these things happened prior to us even being married but we got pregnant and decided to stay together.  I joined the Air Force and we soon got married.  Everything was pretty good for a while and until she moved to Texas where my training school was located.  She got into a fist fight with her roomate because her roomate was telling me that she wanted to leave me and hook back up with the guy she was with before me.  I didn't find out until years later that everything that was said by this girl was in fact the truth.
 
Things again went on smoothly from there until we moved into our second place after leaving the first place we lived in.  She began staying out all hours of the night and one night didn't even come home.  I was so worried because she didn't answer her phone.  about 2:30 or so in the morning a guy answered her phone and then abruptly hung up, she called back several minutes later, apologized saying that she fell asleep at a friends house, and quickly came home.  At this point we were really close to getting seperated but decided to stick it out.
 
Throughout the years since then she has had multiple issues with guys, either constantly texting her or her going out all night partying.  We even had an issue with a guy that I worked with who came on to her and thought that she was interested in him.  There was also a time when she lied to me about going to a bachelorette party when in fact she went to a guy's party from her work.
 
It seems like at least once or twice a year we deal with the same issues over and over again, and she always denies everything or talks her way out of it.  In the last two weeks however things really have gotten terrible.  I found a sexy email that she had sent to a guy promising more sexy pictures if he would take her out on a date.  This was the first time I really caught her red handed.  I approached her about it and she spent the night at a friends that night.  We worked through it and decided to work on it. however except less than a week later she went out with a guy from her work.  She told me she was going to the movies with her friends but I checked her text messages and she had met up with him instead.  She denied everything and again we decided to move on and put it behind us. 
 
Later that same day that I discovered the text messages I decided to do a full scan of all her activities and checked her email, facebook, and myspace accounts.  I quickly found what I was looking for.  She sent a message to the same guy in question.  The message sent chills down my spine.  It was lyrics to a song that basically talked about how good he was in bed.  When she got home I confronted her about it and she denied even talking to him.  I made her pull up the website and show me what she had sent.  When she got there she pretended to not know how to navigate the site and while she thought my back was turned she deleted the message.  I screamed at her that she just deleted the message and she swore to me repeatedly that she had not.  I told her that I saw it with my own eyes and she said that she did not delete a message.  She stormed out and left for a few hours and came home.  While she was gone she sent messages hinting a commiting suicide.
 
After this I had about enough of all her antics and told her I wanted to split up.  I still love her and I told her she could stay in my house until she got help and started therapy.  She passionately tells me that she loves me and wants to be with me but I just don't know anymore.  The fact that she lied about something so trivial right to my face just shows that I can trust her at all....ever.  I told her that she is free to do what she wants and that I will simply be her friend and help her through this.  I was amazed to see how similiar our problem is in regards to other people with BP.  We've been "seperated" for a week now and tonight she did something that really makes me wonder and pushed me to get on here for help.
 
She said she was going out to dinner with her friends and I even explained to her that she didn't need my permission and that to call if she was going to be super late so I wouldn't worry.  She txt me around 8 saying that they were at the restaurant and I didn't hear back from her until 12 when she said that she wasn't coming home.  She said that she would just spend the night with her friends even though she has to take our son to school and go to work.  Obviously I told her that she could do what she wanted but I'm going nuts over this because I almost know for a fact that she isn't with her friends.  I would bet almost anything she is with that guy from her work right now.
 
For the record, I really do love her and I feel that deep down inside she really does love me.  Through some research I discovered that much of her cheating and lying can be caused by being in a manic state.  The depression and sucide issues are while she is in her depressive state.  I understand that she cannot make rational decisions and much of what has happened may not be her fault.  But I just can't stand the lies and the infidelity.  Its really beginning to worry me because its been less than a week since I told her that I wanted to take a break and she is already out partying to all hours of the night.
 
Is there any way that we can get past this?  Is she too far gone for any of this to ever work?  She says that I have issues with insecurity but honestly all my insecurity has developed as a result of her lies and infidelity.  How can I make this work?  I do love her dearly and want to help her but I don't know if I can deal with all her issues.  She has never been medicated for longer than a month and has never gone to therapy.  Can this help?  Is there any way we might ever make this work? 
 
Sorry for the lengthy post, I look forward to your comments and advice.  Thanks.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/6/2009 6:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi LostinLinden,

Welcome to HealingWell. I'm so sorry you're having such a painful family crisis. You don't say what kind of treatment your wife is in, but she clearly needs to take a proactive stance to overcome the impulsiveness and attention-seeking behavior which are most likely a side-effect of her disorder. You can encourage her to seek help, you can support her in doing that, but unfortunately you can't force it.
Here are some resources which might be useful for you.

The following books:

Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder by Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston
When Someone You Love Is Bipolar by Cynthia G. Last

The following websites:

Help For Surviving Your Spouse's Mental Illness

Bipolar Significant Others

The Bipolar Spouse

There is also a forum for significant others in NAMI's Online Communities

And one for family and friends at Pendulum.org

Best of luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


LostinLinden
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/6/2009 7:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks, I appreciate the help. She isn't on any kind of medication and isn't in any kind of therapy. I've been out of work and recently started my new job so we are waiting for the insurance to kick in. She seems ready to seek help and I'm more than willing to be there for her.

UPDATE: I also wanted to add that I'm almost sure she was with another man last night. She had key cards to a hotel in her car when I went to get the garage door opener. She told me she stayed with a friend but I'm certain she was with another man. However, I did tell her that she could do what she wanted as I have seperated myself from that situation. I don't want to be her husband anymore, maybe in the future but right now I can help her more as a friend.

Is this kind of behavior normal for someone with BP? I'm willing to work on the other things but I just can't deal with the cheating and lying. Its really not fair to me or healthy because I do nothing but stress out about it now.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/6/2009 7:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes, this kind of behavior is all too common with advanced mania. She really needs to get help, and you need support too. Look into some of those spouse/partner based resources.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


LostinLinden
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/6/2009 7:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much. As soon as my insurance kicks in I will get her help and support her to the best of my ability. A couple more questions though.

1) Can I really hold her accountable for her actions or is she simply suffering from a mental illness that she cannot control?

2) She always seems fine with me and even asked if we could go out tonight. I told her that I didn't want to, I guess my question is that if she is having sex with another person and still loves me is there anyway that she may not even realize what she is doing?

3) Kinda building off the last question, what is the best way to tell her that I know she was at the hotel or should I at all? There's no way she will ever tell me the truth and I can't seem to get through to her that I just want her to be honest, no judgement at all. Should I press the issue or simply let her be, it seems like whenever I try to confront her it only makes things worse.

4) Not that we are having sex at all but should I worry about her getting STD's? She is obviously sleeping with another man and I don't want things to get even worse for her. How can I possibly tell her this in my position without making her upset?

5) Is BP genetic? We have two children, both boys 4 and 8 months.

Thanks for your help and I will look into counseling for her and myself.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/6/2009 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Linden:

1) Only you can decide this. There is an element of free will involved, but she is clearly being motivated by the illness. There's no way to know for us. You know her better than anyone. Is this "normal" behavior for her? Has she had affairs/ kept secrets before the episode?

2) No. She knows where she is and what she's doing. She's probably in deep denial.

3) Only you can decide this. I think your marriage is at stake and only open communication can help. No use denying what is clearly becoming a problem.

4) You should be worried about STD's. Wear a condom.

5) There is a fair amount of evidence that BP is genetic. Many more kids are being diagnosed with mood disorders now -- yours are still pretty young, but keep an eye on them as they go into the teen years. Get as educated as you can now so you know what to look for. Get them help AS SOON as you see any signs of a problem.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


LostinLinden
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/6/2009 9:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks again for your help. I truly believe that she does love me. This morning when she did come home she seemed very disraught, almost to the point of crying. When I asked her what was wrong she just said that she felt irresponsible becuase she didn't get home in time to take our son to school. I had to do it and he was late. I think she is hurting inside for all the things that she does but doesn't want to lose me which is why I think she keeps things secret. If she wanted out of the relationship she could just tell me the truth and that would probably do the trick. She holds all these lies in and I think it just makes things worse for her.

I really don't know what to do to help her through this time. She does need professional help but there has got to be something I can do to make things as stress free as possible. I've really tried to be open with her and not get so upset about the usual husband and wife squabbles. Like Monday night when she didn't get off work until 11:45 (keep in mind she goes to work at 8 AM). She doesn't see the kids that much and I really try to just let her be right now but its hard. Its like watching someone drowning and not being able to help. I'm a fire fighter so my first instinct is to jump in head first and save her. I think through all that we have been through I have finally realized that I can't do anything and often times I make things much worse.

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 11/6/2009 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   

 

 As a fellow service member welcome and i hope you can find some help in these posts. As a BP person i have to tell you that to us, what we are suffering feels "normal" and completely logical. It was only after i have been on meds that i could finally start to understand what "normal" really was all about. And having that insight allowed me to understand how completely off my rocker i was before. : tongue

  The meds help a lot, but are not a magic bullet. You still live with the disease however with proper meds, it is a controlable condition.  Once i started to get better and the meds kicked in i was able to make real progress with my therapy. But the important thing is that the BP person has got to "want" to get better, you can't force therapy and meds on anyone.  If your wife really really wants to get better than i say give her one more chance. She is sick, and us BP people have precious little control over the stuff we are suffering thru.

  But here is the good news, you can come back from this disease and so can your marriage. My wife and i went thru my coutless affairs, and her anger was such that she struck out at me with a corkscrew, she came within a 1/2 inch of the major artires in my neck. All this pain and anger, the marriage was over, right? Nope, we fought, scraped, and hugged our way to a better future. However all this is based on the fact that i got and continued to get help for my condition. I want to be better, and that is half the battle right there.

  Hope this helps.

  Bill


ImDealing
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 59
   Posted 11/7/2009 6:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Good advice from all, and its nice to hear a story of hope and success happy bill. Thank you for sharing!
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