My name is Sara, AKA Kit. I have Bipolar type 1 I believe, chronic depression, migraines, and GAD.
I had a few episodes that I don't know what to call. Extreme paranoid delusions of persecution. It wasn't drug induced, I was clean, no prescription meds even. Another time, I knew my boyfriend was trying to hurt me. I couldn't let him know I was onto him.. I spent 3 weeks terrified but pretending that everything was normal. Finally, I snapped, packed my things in the middle of the night and ran.
My Uncle is Manic Depressive. I watched him growing up, saw how my family treated him. I knew I had to hide anything about me that wasn;t normal. I tried prozac, zoloft, paxil, depakote, zyprexa, cymbalta, geodan, seroquel, lamictal, and a few others I can't remember. Nothing ever worked, or if it did, the side effects i couldn;t life with.
Life continued. It went up and down. Parents judge me by my actions, not my thoughts. When I got pregnant by an abusive boyfriend, my mom took me in. She tried to control everything I did. I got a job 9-5 in an office like she wanted. I went back to college full time. I worked 2 jobs at a time. Eventually, I cracked. I couldn't do it anymore. End result, now Mom has my son and I know I did the right thing.
Now a days, I've hit the bottom, or a wall, I'm not sure anymore. I've decided to go back on meds. The last 2 years Ive been housebound for the most part. I refuse to leave the house for weeks on end. I barely talk to friends. I check out the window at each sound. I feel painfully hungry all the time, and no amount of food can fill me. I sleep on the sofa so I don;t wake my husband when I finally do go to bed.
If I let myself, I would find the hidden meaning in every item, action, and moment. I tell myself I'm too ADD to fixate long enough. But I still know that I'm missing something... and I just need to focus harder and find it.
I write long posts to forums seeking help and understanding, and hit the delete button because if people knew what went on in my head.....
Friday I saw a new psychiatrist. He made some really corny jokes, but he actually listened to me. No doctor has ever done that before. They read the chart, look at the types of meds I've tried before, and try to give me the same.
This guy was different. He;s starting me on buspar, aplenzin and using vistaril instead of my usual sleeping pills. We will see how things go.
So I'm here. I don;t post often, I'm too afraid of how people will react, but I need to stop hiding.