Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. You've been in the hospital that many times and you still haven't found any meds that work for you?!? I'm so sorry! How awful! What have you tried thus far? Is your psych open to trying other things? When the meds work -- and truly, they can -- you won't be perfectly even, but your moods won't swing so fast or far, and you won't be a zombie either. If you're still swinging dramatically, or if you feel like a zombie, then something isn't right and your doc should adjust your dosage or try something else.
Med-free isn't often an option for bipolar disorder management. There are lots of people who try it, but they usually end up on meds. Everyone here will doubtlessly agree with you that having to be on meds for the rest of our lives is cruel, but for most people, that's the only way to get our lives back.
I'm glad you found us. Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing.
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER