recovering from bipolar ex-husband

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sucla
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/19/2009 3:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I just joined this chat sight. I've had no contact with my ex for more than a year, but I am still healing from the guilt and pain and mistaken thinking of loving him for 8 years
...2 years into our marriage our therapist told me she thought my husband was suffering from BiPolarII disorder and my life would be a living hell unless he was medicated. I had accepted that he was a sex addict before I married him, but wasn't initially sure about the bipolar diagnosis. We went to doctors and specialists trying to get the diagnosis confirmed but did not. In hindsight I realize my husband (who is a physician assistant) was carefully feeding doctors history and info to be sure NOT to be diagnosed.
Our marriage was very difficult and we even divorced and remarried. Eventually I completely forgot about the bipolar thing and focused on his sex addiction as the real problem. 5 years into it he became physically violent. When he choked me and threatened to kill me I had him arrested. I took him back and we spent $4,000 on a 3 day intensive with a sex addiction specialist believing that would be the answer. Within 5 days he was acting out again and we separated. 3 months into the separation my husband was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) and was given 3-5 years to live!!!! I was with him when we got the devastating news, but I thought finally he would have a life or death reason to become the man he always claimed he wanted to be. I committed to take care of him and be with him until he died and we moved back in together. He started isolating almost immediately and treated me with contempt. A few weeks later he abruptly moved out after I said something he didn't like. 2 weeks after that he let me know by email that he wanted a divorce. Another 2 weeks and he announced in an email that he had a new girlfriend. Needless to say my head was spinning. There was no conversation about his ALS or his leaving me. He made plans to move out of town and told me he wanted nothing more to do with me.
The last time I did see him in person I didn't even recognize him. It was eery. I thought he was possessed as his eyes were beedy and his voice was even different.
He left me with huge debt and a house I can not afford. I'm in foreclosure and he is living 3 hours away with his sister. He had a Chapter 61 put into our divorce so that I am not ever allowed to contact him.
I now know without a doubt that my ex is bipolar and that the terminal illness diagnosis flipped a switch in him that caused him to completely reinvent himself. I am trying to accept that the person I thought I knew never actually existed. I was completely manipulated for his benefit. He is a sociopath. When he no longer needed me, he moved on without a second thought. But I still love the person he created to be with me.
The hardest thing now though is responding to people who ask me how he is doing. Compassionate people can not accept or understand what really happened. They say things like " maybe he was trying to spare you the heartache of watching him die a horrible death". I know that his actions had nothing at all to do with me and what i might need. I need people to understand but instead they look at ME like I am cruel and heartless. I'm sure they wonder how I can not have sympathy for him since he is dying? It's so painful to me that I don't want to see anyone. I wish people would stop asking me if I know how he is doing!! Yes, in a normal relationship I would have an answer to that but I don't. Instead I have to behave as if he is already dead to move on. No one understands....

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/19/2009 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi sucla,

Thank you for joining HealingWell.

This board is for people suffering with bipolar disorder. While I can appreciate the pain you've suffered, you need to know that the way your ex-husband treated you may have been influenced by his disorder, but that was by no means the sole reason for it. Most people living with bipolar disorder do not treat their loved ones the way your ex treated you. Quite the contrary.

Let me direct you to the following sites which may be more appropriate for your needs:

Help For Surviving Your Spouse's Mental Illness

Bipolar Significant Others

The Bipolar Spouse

There is also a forum for significant others in NAMI's Online Communities

And one for family and friends at Pendulum.org

And the Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group at Daily Strength.

I hope you are continuting to see a therapist. You have a lot of confusion and anger to work through.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


akjc1977
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/29/2009 2:27 PM (GMT -7)   
4. No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun off, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and well-being are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.

Please see my response--serafena

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 12/29/2009 4:19:09 PM (GMT-7)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/29/2009 4:21 PM (GMT -7)   
akjc1977,

I'm terribly sorry to hear about the stress and disorder your wife has caused you, please understand, as I posted above, this is a site for people who are suffering from the disorder -- not their spouses. Please explore the links provided.

Know that if you post defaming information which insults people who have this disorder, I will delete it.

Thank you,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

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