Hey everyone, I've been worrying quiet a bit recently about
things related to my wellbeing and health, in need of a bit of advice...
I'm 21 (as of today lol b-day!!), have recently been finding myself getting extremely confused over things, things about
who I am...all that stuff. Anyway I've never been the normal type, I'm very introverted and think way too much for my own good and have recently been thinking I might have something wrong with me and with the way I think.
I've been reading up on bi-polar (or manic depression), and I think I might have it. I wouldn't exactly call my teenage years the happiest of times, I'd often find it hard to control my emotions and would overthink way too much for my own good. As I've aged I've become more aware of my thoughts and emotions, but at the same time it worries me that I have to always stay in control of myself, and make sure I don't loose myself in thoughts that aren't good for my health, but on occasion it gets the better of me because I'm not consious of what I'm thinking, and it gives me one hell of a hard time.
My girlfriend is aware that I'm very withdrawn and a grade-a worrier, I often find it hard to speak up in social situations (but it depends on the type of people I'm with also), and I often find it hard to show anger because I fear that it would lead to me losing control of my thoughts, but often this can be a lose-lose situations since I'd keep it all in and beat myself up about
it later - this is why I can't stand negative people that cut other people down to feel better about
Anyway, I get afraid of what people think of me, that they might think I'm a bad or unkind person, or that I'm useless (which is ironic because I can't concentrate or be half as productive when I'm this self consious), and it affects me at any job I've tried involving social interaciton, (I once tried working behind a bar and failed epically due to being so clumsy lol) and it also affects my self esteem and faith in my abilities considerably.
During my college years I studied Graphic Design and thought of myself as a 'young intellectual in the making' so to speak, and with the economy the way it is, and being slapped around the face by the real world, its left me in peices wondering what I can do with my life because there aren't many jobs going around, and if it's better to just start over on another career. I've considered University but I don't know if I'd be able to cope by myself, especially during the nights, and already having spend four years in higher education I just want to get on with life. I've been thinking of jobs that involve helping others but so far I've had no luck.
I take hiding in being by myself, usually playing guitar, reading, listening to music (my life long passion is for art and everything creative), or with those few individuals who I feel accept me even though I can be kinda weird and withdrawn, but I've never thought whether I should seek help until recently since it's been getting harder and harder for me to concentrate, since my mind often goes into phases of different negative spiralling. I eventually wake up from this but it's not good nonetheless.
A few days ago I told my girlfriend that I might see a doctor, I was scared to use the word therapist of psychiatrist because of what she might think. I know shes very caring and I love her very much but at the same time it doesn't make it feel any less comfortable to tell someone you might need to see a doc about
having mental issues.
I guess it doesn't hurt to find out, but at the same time part of me thinks it would hurt, hurt my reputation, what would people think of me? I guess not everyone needs to know but I need to at least let my girlfriend and family know about
it. Going to see someone would seem like an acceptance of what I might have, since I've always pushed it under the rug in fear of what I might find out about
myself, part of me has always had a hunch, always thought '...maybe I feel this way not because something about
me isn't quiet right', and darn, if I think like this maybe I do need to face up to it, otherwise I fear it would get worse and worse and haunt me for years to come.
I don't want to resort to drugs such as anti-depressants, I'm a firm beleiver in exercise and spirituality, but as of recent I'm not sure what to do, I don't want to risk it getting worse.
Sorry for the EPIC post, thanks for reading, I will much appreciate any advice or opinions, and from people that have gone through the same situation.
~ Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power. ~
Post Edited (Creative_Thoughts) : 1/7/2010 7:37:14 PM (GMT-7)