Post Edited (mogli) : 1/24/2010 6:48:29 PM (GMT-7)
Thanks everyone for the hugs and advice. I do have a wonderful kitty who loves to cuddle, so I do soak that up!
I am trying to focus on the positives. As far as the meds go, it is a serious problem. I have tried everything (truly! there aren't hundreds of meds out there for bp, really and I have tried at least a dozen) and cannot tolerate antipsychotics. My pdoc will not add an antidepressant b/c it will cause me to cycle. So I am really stuck with the meds. So far increasing the Lamotrigine is not working.
At the next appointment I may try to beg for an antidepressant with the Lamotrigine. Honestly, we've never tried it, maybe I won't cycle???? He's pretty firm on it though.
Therapy? I tried counselling a couple months ago and the counsellor was awful. I may try again since it is covered through work.
Anyway, today and yesterday I have been so depressed. I don't know what I am going to do. I think the fact that I am feeling it's all impossible is getting to me. It feels totally hopeless right now. This has been months and I am really worried.
Still not well. But I am writing my accomplishments to you all so I can focus on continuing on fighting this depression.
This week has not gone well at work. I was in an extremely stressful situation Monday that really angered me Monday and it leaked over into Tuesday. My anger was gone Wednesday (I did a lot of venting). Yesterday was rough. My job is even slower than it already was--one of my three psychiatrists that I work for has gone on maternity leave, so now I am down to two and one of those is only here two days a week. So, that means a lot of downtime and boredem. Yesterday I really felt the walls of my office closing in on me, so although anxiety provoking, I forced myself to go have lunch with one of the teams (about 8 ppl) downstairs. The team is consisted of nurses, and psychologists, along with another secretary and a clerk. So I did that, YAY for me! Then I went for a break with the secretary and clerk in the afteroon and killed a half hour of time there.
The other night I called a friend and reached out to her to come over for some tea, it didn't end up happening but I get points for trying. Last week I did meet up with another friend who lives down the street from me and she allowed me to really let it all out, so I will be calling her again soon.
Today I have been working on CBT all morning. Mainly I am just reading and writing right now. This afternoon I am going to try to actually do some of the exercises...Actually make that one exercise this afternoon, baby steps are needed right now.
Tyring NOT to focus on how the meds aren't working for me right now and just keep on taking them and not missing any doses.
Anyway, there it is. It does make me feel better to know I am trying, although I don't feel like I am. I feel like I'm just lying there "taking it". But, like I said, I am in fact trying....Focus focus focus. Thanks for reading.
Thought I would update.
Some cycling earlier in the week, but the depression is still there and overwhelming. I decided (pdoc approved) to go back down on the Mirapex (which is supposed to be helping with the depression) and asked for a limited supply as I will have my next pdoc appointment in two weeks. I finally decided I am going to push for an antidepressant with my Lamotrigine and quit the Mirapex since this episode has not cooperated with it, like it was for a few months when I started it.
Pdoc is really against the antidepressant, but so many of you have that in your cocktail of meds, so I really want him to agree to it. He has a strong concern since I cycle that it will increase that, and maybe he is right but I want to try and if that's what happens then I'll stop it.
If anyone can give me feedback if they cycle and are on an antidepressant..How it works out? Lamotrigine should help stablize, but it might not be enough. I can't tolerate any of the antipsychotics, so...I don't know...
Anyway hope you are all well. I am trying to go for walks as much as I can....It was working great earlier in the week but once the depression got worse again I didn't get out the last two days........