i dont think anyone will understand

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elicia
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/15/2010 11:15 AM (GMT -7)   
i dont trust anyone. i dont think i ever will. the ones i love will never understand. so i of course like always have to resort to telling strangers of my pain because it seems like theyre the only ones who will understand.

we have been together for 8 long crucial months and yet you still have the nerve to say this? after everything? do you know how much this hurts?
of course not. when i will try to discuss things with you, my life, the hurt, you take it wrong. you think it's ALL against you and i can't stand that. i hate it. im antisocial i know. i'm bipolar i know. i'm borderline i know. i know i know i know. i hate it and i hate everything that has to do with my stupid 'friends' and my stupid body and my mind and my nose and my thin lips. im so ugly. i'm so, so so ugly and ... and terrible and greedy and selfish and stupid and i'm a ... yet i'm not. i'm not at all, but i kind of am, but I ... and do you know how much this hurts will YOU EVER UNDERSTAND?! will you?! i dont think so. i never thought so. well maybe once or twice after all THE TIMES I BROKE MYSELF DOWN and battled myself to just talk, to just open up to every single one of you but especially YOU. the only one i swore my neverending love to and given everything up for.
CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME?! FEEL MY HURT, FEEL THE PAIN JUST SO FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE AS MUCH AS I HATE ADMITTING THIS I CAN FEEL LIKE I ACTUALLY BELONG.

i'm sorry.

(Edited out adult language and topics -- serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/15/2010 11:45:38 AM (GMT-7)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/15/2010 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi elicia,

I'm sorry I had to edit your post. Have a look at our Forum Rules.

It sounds like you're really hurting. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Are you seeing a psych? A therapist? Are you taking medications? Clearly you're in a relationship that's not going well. How's your family?

Thanks for joining and welcome to HealingWell.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 2/15/2010 12:01 PM (GMT -7)   

 

 Hey, this is a place where you can talk to people who really understand you. We all have different issues with bipolar and there is a lot of experience here to draw upon. Like serafena said take a breath, and tell us about yourself. Who you are, are you getting help, have you been diagnosed, the works. I have been here a year plus and i have never seen anyone attacked because of something they wrote. I myself detailied how i was a lowsy husband and had multipal affairs on my wife. But everyone here has been very kind and helpfull and i have made great progress with their support.

    In the end the more you can tell us the more we can help you . ANd dont worry about rehashing a subject allready covered. We get better by dealing with the monster, and sometimes we have to refight battles many times over to get a grip on it.

    Anyway welcome and continue to post. We will be here to help.

    Bill


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 2/15/2010 8:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Elicia. I hope you'll post back and say what is going on. It might seem unlikely now, but learning to trust again is possible -- in time.

elicia
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/16/2010 5:25 PM (GMT -7)   
i'm not seeing anyone, we don't have the money and my parents don't think i need help with anything. i was prescribed anti depressants but no im not taking them.
my family? no one listens. my sister is an alcoholic stoner with no life, my parents are ignorant, shallow, oblivious, and naive.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 2/16/2010 7:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Elicia, there are (poorly advertised) ways to get the help you need.  Many states and counties have assistance programs to provide psychiatrist and medication.  If you get prescriptions, most drug companies have assistance programs.  If you are in school or college, you have access to either a school counselor or a therapist.
 
I don't pay for any of my treatment - I'm a single mom without a job.  But I am in school.  The university has free counseling services - that is where I see a psychologist and the student health clinic has a psychiatrist that is also free.  The county has an assistance program that pays for another pyschiatrist and medication.
 
Help IS out there.  Don't give up!  Go GET what you need! 
(((hug)))

elicia
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/17/2010 4:23 PM (GMT -7)   
yes but i don't like my school counselor and my parent's dont want to pay for a psychiatrist or doctor or counselor. i haven't been to the doctor for a check up for about 9 years

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/17/2010 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Elicia,

Do you have bipolar disorder? If you do, surely your parents know that it is a disorder which must be maintained with medication and therapy. It's more than just depression. It's not something you can contain on your own. Try and take some control of the situation. How old are you? Do you have transportation? Could you get yourself to a mental health clinic if the services were free?

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 2/18/2010 2:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I can feel your pain through the intensity of your words.  I know that pain, I know the feeling of not trusting, being misunderstood, everyone taking everything you say the wrong way, keeping things to yourself until you feel like you are going to explode.  Please honey, open the phone book and try to find someone to atleast talk to you.  I also understand about the money thing, but I know there are services out there and you know what, if it gets that bad, go to the emergency room at your local hospital.  Atleast you could get some temporary help and they could probably refer you somewhere for follow up.  Forget about everything, everybody else and take care of yourself.  You deserve to feel well, sometimes in our lives it just takes a bit more effort.  If you are a living breathing human being, you are worth the effort.  You are not your sister, you are not your parents, you are not the people that have let you down and don't understand you.........you are you..............take care of you.
 
Gem

elicia
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/18/2010 6:15 PM (GMT -7)   
serafena said...
Elicia,

Do you have bipolar disorder? If you do, surely your parents know that it is a disorder which must be maintained with medication and therapy. It's more than just depression. It's not something you can contain on your own. Try and take some control of the situation. How old are you? Do you have transportation? Could you get yourself to a mental health clinic if the services were free?

serafena


i was diagnosed with it, yes.
i am 13 years old, i can probably walk or take the bus. and i'm not sure about the clinics.
my parent's really don't understand

elicia
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/18/2010 6:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Precious Gem said...
I can feel your pain through the intensity of your words. I know that pain, I know the feeling of not trusting, being misunderstood, everyone taking everything you say the wrong way, keeping things to yourself until you feel like you are going to explode. Please honey, open the phone book and try to find someone to atleast talk to you. I also understand about the money thing, but I know there are services out there and you know what, if it gets that bad, go to the emergency room at your local hospital. Atleast you could get some temporary help and they could probably refer you somewhere for follow up. Forget about everything, everybody else and take care of yourself. You deserve to feel well, sometimes in our lives it just takes a bit more effort. If you are a living breathing human being, you are worth the effort. You are not your sister, you are not your parents, you are not the people that have let you down and don't understand you.........you are you..............take care of you.


Gem


thank you.. i try, i have been, but it's really, really hard.
harder than anyone will ever know

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 2/20/2010 6:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I think we all think it is harder "than anyone will know" but around here, we ALL share the same problems and we ALL know how impossibly difficult it can be.  We encourage you to TAKE CONTROL of your situation because we know how hard it is.  It will only get worse without treatment.
 
Can you go to the counselor at your school (the one you don't like) and get hotline numbers so you can talk to someone? 
 
Will the counselor advocate to your parents and encourage them to get you help?  Your parents can't understand (unless they are bipolar), but they LOVE you, they are afraid and they don't know what to do.  They're grieving for you - for your loss of a normal life.  For your struggle. 
 
I'm 25.  I started having episodes when I was 7 - 8 years old.  I started getting treatment when I was 18, but I didn't get diagnosed until this year.  My parents have been confused, scared, in denial, and every other emotion, but with a diagnoses they are finally starting to figure it out.
 
 

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 2/20/2010 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey there, I will say up front that it is NOT FAIR that you have to take the responsibility for your own treatment at such a young age. You are on here talking to us which tells us you recognize a problem exists and you are trying to get help. No one at home is listening to you (not uncommon sorry to say, a lot of people equate bi-polar with out of control crazy) So instead of dealing with the issue up front they are instead ignoring it hoping it will go away. Do you think your sister might be bipolar also? A lot of bipolar people try "self medication" (I mean drugs and alchol) to help control the pproblems they are having.

So now here you are, stuck between a rock and a hard place. It absolutly sucks that you have to take this on by yourself (however we are here for you) Now the tough part is this. You will have to go to people who you may not like and ask them for help. You will be surprised how often people who you didnt like change and become good people in your life when you ask them for honest help. The people at your school are your starting point, they can get you on the road to help. This is going to be a long road, im not saying that to scare you but to prepare you for a marathon, not a sprint. If you are indeed bipolar you are for life, so you need to think further out than tommrrow. ANd that is a lot to ask for a kid who shouldnt have to doing this alone.

There is help out there for you. Meds are one route, as is therpey. Again we are here to help you and have all had a variety of experiences for you to draw upon to help you out.

The big thing is also the hardest, and that will be going and asking for help. This isnt something that will get better if you leave it alone. You said your sister was a loser alcholic and stoner. Thats what can happen to you if you dont get real professional help. We all understand what you are going thru only most of us were diagonised later in life, that was only after a lifetimes worth of bad decisions packed into a few years. We are all hoping to save you from that. Thats why we are pushing you to go to people in your school who can get you some help.

Good luck and keep us posted. We are hear for you and you are not alone.

Bill

elicia
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/28/2010 11:24 AM (GMT -7)   
tortoise11 said...
I think we all think it is harder "than anyone will know" but around here, we ALL share the same problems and we ALL know how impossibly difficult it can be. We encourage you to TAKE CONTROL of your situation because we know how hard it is. It will only get worse without treatment.


Can you go to the counselor at your school (the one you don't like) and get hotline numbers so you can talk to someone?



Will the counselor advocate to your parents and encourage them to get you help? Your parents can't understand (unless they are bipolar), but they LOVE you, they are afraid and they don't know what to do. They're grieving for you - for your loss of a normal life. For your struggle.



I'm 25. I started having episodes when I was 7 - 8 years old. I started getting treatment when I was 18, but I didn't get diagnosed until this year. My parents have been confused, scared, in denial, and every other emotion, but with a diagnoses they are finally starting to figure it out.


i might be able to see the counselor
but i really don't want to.

and yes she could, BUT i know my mom and dad do NOT want to understand, they don't want to hear me complain. i truly do 100% believe my mom is bipolar and psycho, but whenever i try talking to her she just tells me to stop because 1. she's tired 2. doesnt want to talk about it and 3. she's 'perfectly healthy' (we're talking about a family who's parents haven't taken either of their kids to get a physical or mental check up in 10+ years, and they havent gone for 30+ years because they dont think any of us have a reason to go even though ive been having the worst symptoms of hypoglycemia and much more).

my parents are NOT grieving for me; they have no idea, let alone they do NOT care, they don't know, they don't try to know, and they're too ignorant to ever understand. they don't understand 'bipolar' they dont understand that NOT EVERYONE IS COMPLETELY SANE, not even their own kids can be 100% healthy JUST because they said so. just because when we were born we were healthy doesnt mean that we're 110% as healthy now.

my parents are not scared for me, they're not confused. they simply just let it pass and don't think about it, don't even mention it because it's simply just not important.

elicia
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/28/2010 11:32 AM (GMT -7)   
happy bill said...
Hey there, I will say up front that it is NOT FAIR that you have to take the responsibility for your own treatment at such a young age. You are on here talking to us which tells us you recognize a problem exists and you are trying to get help. No one at home is listening to you (not uncommon sorry to say, a lot of people equate bi-polar with out of control crazy) So instead of dealing with the issue up front they are instead ignoring it hoping it will go away. Do you think your sister might be bipolar also? A lot of bipolar people try "self medication" (I mean drugs and alchol) to help control the pproblems they are having.

So now here you are, stuck between a rock and a hard place. It absolutly sucks that you have to take this on by yourself (however we are here for you) Now the tough part is this. You will have to go to people who you may not like and ask them for help. You will be surprised how often people who you didnt like change and become good people in your life when you ask them for honest help. The people at your school are your starting point, they can get you on the road to help. This is going to be a long road, im not saying that to scare you but to prepare you for a marathon, not a sprint. If you are indeed bipolar you are for life, so you need to think further out than tommrrow. ANd that is a lot to ask for a kid who shouldnt have to doing this alone.

There is help out there for you. Meds are one route, as is therpey. Again we are here to help you and have all had a variety of experiences for you to draw upon to help you out.

The big thing is also the hardest, and that will be going and asking for help. This isnt something that will get better if you leave it alone. You said your sister was a loser alcholic and stoner. Thats what can happen to you if you dont get real professional help. We all understand what you are going thru only most of us were diagonised later in life, that was only after a lifetimes worth of bad decisions packed into a few years. We are all hoping to save you from that. Thats why we are pushing you to go to people in your school who can get you some help.

Good luck and keep us posted. We are hear for you and you are not alone.

Bill


i know it isn't.. but what am i going to do about it? i've tried everything, i've seen counselors but it just never went anywhere, they were all from school and i just keep on having panic attacks whenever i tried talking to them.
and yes i know but i think that if im going to reach out to actual people who do have the ability to help me, i have to talk my parents into the idea of letting me at LEAST see someone. which will be a marathon and a half by itself.

my sister is an alcoholic stoner, and it's not something that can happen to me, it already did. when i was like 10 all i did was ... i have been since i was 12, now i'm 13 and i've been off ...

i know.. i just don't see any professional help coming my way anytime soon.

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/28/2010 1:30:13 PM (GMT-7)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/28/2010 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   
elicia,

There's something to be said for self-determination. You can take some of your issues into your own hands: chemical abuse for instance. Such things just worsen the disorder. Time for you to learn all you can about the disorder and decide what kind of treatment you need, and then you have to ask for it -- insist upon it. You can do it.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 2/28/2010 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   
If you are 13, and you are diagnosed bipolar, and you haven't seen a doctor for 10+ years...  something doesn't add up.
 
But just in case I can't count...
 
If you've decided you can't get professional help, you have a choice.
 
Option A:  Take your treatment into your own hands and try every possible no-med technique to control your illness.  For example, strict sleep regimen,eliminate caffiene, sugars and any foods that contribute to mood swings, take high doses of samon oil and/or eat a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids, yoga, meditation, spiritual/reigous involvement, etc.
 
Option B:  Decide that there is nothing you can do, nothing you will do and live a hopeless, miserable, and tortured life without treatment.
 
My ex-husband chose B.  Divorced with a criminal record and doesn't see his son.  No job.  No steady home.  drugs, alcohol, sex-addiction...  been there done that.  Possiby living with a girl?  Or homeless?  But who is to know?
 
I chose A (and professional help).  I'm a university student, I own a home, I live with an AMAZING man who is supportive, I take care of my son to the best of my ability.  I seek help, I get relief from medication, therapy, and friends.  I won't allow this disease to own me!
 
Your posts sound like you are choosing Option B, which makes me very sad for you.  I agree that it is competely unfair you are dealing with this alone.  BUT, pity doesn't solve your problems.  The ONLY solution is for you to take control of your life.

lucifer sam
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/3/2010 4:31 AM (GMT -7)   
elicia
this sounds a lot like what my girlfriend went through, its not that her mom didnt care, she wasnt there!
her mom secretly went to electroshock thearpy and when she came home from school noone was there, her mom came home weeks later not even knowing who her daughter was.
No matter what you think you are never alone there is always someone there for you just have to find them

elicia
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 3/3/2010 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
tortoise11 said...
If you are 13, and you are diagnosed bipolar, and you haven't seen a doctor for 10+ years... something doesn't add up.


But just in case I can't count...



If you've decided you can't get professional help, you have a choice.



Option A: Take your treatment into your own hands and try every possible no-med technique to control your illness. For example, strict sleep regimen,eliminate caffiene, sugars and any foods that contribute to mood swings, take high doses of samon oil and/or eat a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids, yoga, meditation, spiritual/reigous involvement, etc.



Option B: Decide that there is nothing you can do, nothing you will do and live a hopeless, miserable, and tortured life without treatment.



My ex-husband chose B. Divorced with a criminal record and doesn't see his son. No job. No steady home. drugs, alcohol, sex-addiction... been there done that. Possiby living with a girl? Or homeless? But who is to know?



I chose A (and professional help). I'm a university student, I own a home, I live with an AMAZING man who is supportive, I take care of my son to the best of my ability. I seek help, I get relief from medication, therapy, and friends. I won't allow this disease to own me!



Your posts sound like you are choosing Option B, which makes me very sad for you. I agree that it is competely unfair you are dealing with this alone. BUT, pity doesn't solve your problems. The ONLY solution is for you to take control of your life.


that is great for you.
but no, no. trust me. ive been trying my hardest, to the most of my ability(i hope) to go through with option A.
i want to be happy with every inch of me, i want to! but its so hard! everything in my life is STRESS! parents, sister, room, home, neighborhood, school. EVERYTHING.

its so hard..

Cateyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/9/2010 8:31 AM (GMT -7)   
elicia, Take a step back calm urself and take a few breathes. It is very hard to ask for help from people who do not get it. Half the battle is admitting the problem the other half is getting the help. You can go to child protective services or secretly make a call they will talk to you and help. They can make your parents get u help. If your parents aren't listening then someone else may need to explain it to them. It may seem cruel but suicide is high amoung bp and it sounds like your truely struggling for help so make certain you can get it one way or another. Your school counselor probably doesn't understand you so she may not understand bad choices. Hang in thier I was at one time 13 and now I am 31. I have been where your at it is very hard but u seem very strong. Make that call get yourself some help sometimes parents need to be forced into the right thing. Once your parents understand the disease then you will be much closer sounds like they don't understand what is going on with you therefore they are avoiding the issues
Bi-polar, Adhd, Anxiety disorder, PTSD with a child with ADHD BIPOLAR Anxiety

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