Wow, what a major mania day. Not good.

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happy bill
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Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 2/16/2010 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Ok, first off i am ok and feeling a bit better. Last night i started to have a major mania, not my normal hypomania that i love so much. My major mania staarted with racing thoughts and the compulsion to start doing bad stuff (in my case to start looking for someone to have an affair with). This one i had a good clue about because my wife and i have been having relations lately and things have been good. The compulsions to go have sex with someone else didnt make sense, but that didnt lessen the urge to be bad. So i took my regualr dose of respirdone, not the half dose i had been taking and headed to bed. This morning i still had the bad compulsions and so i took another pill to help get it under control.
To make matters worse i have a fever going on and a nasty spider bite on my leg which is the size of a silver dollar and hurts like crazy. Im not sure if the fever is from my mania or from the spider bite. Geeze are you kidding me. a spider bite?
So i tried to work today but with all that going on i was way off my game and almost made a bad mistake that could have cost me my job. Thankfully it all worked out but i was very embarrased and that just finished off the night.
Now i am trying to relax, i took another respirdone and my wife gave me a zanix to help calm me down.
Just wanted you all to know that even though i am normally a very cheery voice on here, i have my bad days too. LOL LOL
Well any day you can go home alive and go to sleep than its a good day. I am thankfull that i didnt do anything to hurt myself or my marriage. Just depressing when it feels like your own mind is working against you.

And to make things absolutly sucky, i broke my fast food fast and had burger king. I was 24 days free of bad food but i caved today. Geeze thats it, I'm going to bed and hope for a better day tommrrow. LOL LOL LOL

Thanks for listening.
Bill

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 2/16/2010 9:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I think I'm in shock - you're the voice of encouragement around here!  Sorry to hear you are having some rough days.   You know it will get better - it's just a matter of WHEN (and for how long).
 
Hang in there!

slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 2/17/2010 6:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Happy Bill,

It must be the seson for feelin like cheatin. LOL I am experinceing the same problem. I am not going to do it but the urge is so bad!!!! I know what you are feeling. I told my husband what is going on and he did not take it all that well. I don't know if you told your wife but be careful. You most likely know this but I wanted to say it. As far as your bad food goes. So you made a mistake. Let it go and start again just take that one day out of your count. Thats what I do and I think extra hard the next time I go to do it again. Hope you are better soon you will be in my thoughts.

SLZ

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/17/2010 10:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Bill -- has a doctor looked at that bite? Sounds nasty.

Hang in there! You will get through this. You are so honest with yourself, and that helps.

serafefna
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 2/17/2010 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   
UPDATE. Well i'm back from the ER, i woke up this morning and the infection area had spread quite a bit. For those of you who dont know what to look for, discolored skin, swelling, very very tender/painfull to the touch and very warm to the touch. So my wife and i looked at it and said, time to go to the er. LOL LOL They gave me antibiotics and then proceeded to lance the area to relieve the pressure. By the way lancing an infected area HURTS a whole lot. LOL LOL But me being a manly man barely blinked, nope, cringed like a baby would be more like it. turn LOL LOL LOL So i am at home now feeling much better and laying on the couch going to law school as my wife calls watching the judge shows. LOL LOL LOL

As for my head i feel like my normal self today, upbeat, positive, engeritic. the works. Just a slight hangover feeling from my out of control episode.

SLZ yea sex is my drug of choice so to speak. I am a non drinker, non smoker, i hate drugs (I probally wont take the percocet they gave me) and gambling just seems silly. Its something about sex that just causes me problems. And here is the thing, my wife and i had a wonderful valentines day and capped it off with, not to put it to bluntly, a really vigerous night of fun. So it wasnt that i was feeling neglected, or havnt had any for a while. FOr me that compulsion seems to involve two things. One the danger involved and two, the newness of it also. ANd after having a series of affairs that my wife found out about (which lead to my bipolar diagnosis) i dont talk to her about that stuff. That said my meds seem to do a very good job of controling my compulsions. and like today i feel completely normal and in control. Trust me i know that compulsion to cheat is very very hard to ignore. I mean if it wernt for my meds i would have contacted someone and started to have an affair by now.
I told my wife that if my disease gets to the point that i am out of control i would tell her and work on getting a divorce so i wouldnt put us thru the hell of an affair again. One of the things i do do to satisfy my "newness" issues is that i do look at ****. I know that many of the people on here are women and view the world differently so you may not understand that but it honestly does seem to kill the urge for newness for me And honesty when i think of things sexual and having adventures its my wife i want to do them with. But as you all well know compulsions are so hard, so very very hard to ignore.

Ok, enough brutal truth for today. But my feeling is that if i dont speak the truth than i am just wasting my time here and with my therpast.
Happy bill is back, sore, and a little rough around the edges but still here for all you all.

slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 2/17/2010 12:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I am proud of you for not doing anything behind your wifes back. You have great streingth like me who has pledged to fight the urge. I hope your bite is better.

P.S. I understand the thing you were talking about I am a women and feel if that is what gets you by without hurting your wife then by all means go for it.

SLZ

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 2/17/2010 2:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks SLZ, i try very very hard to be good. Sometimes its so darn hard.LOL LOL Like i said the meds help me so much. As for the other stuff i am a person who tries to find a way to work with a problem, either under, around, over, or thru. Some times you just have to say there is nothing i can do and just accept it for what it is and do your best to minimize its impact on your life.
You keep hanging in there also and if you cant talk to you hubby (it is a very difficult subject after all) than you allways have us here who know and understand what its like to deal with this.

ANd i just got done shoveling out the rest of the driveway, so my leg is feeling a lot better.

Bill

Christine777
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 2/18/2010 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for being honest. I have similar issues and they seem to choke me now and then. But my way of fighting them is by prayer, bible study, and good preaching. That's just me. Boy you have been through a rough time, hope things will start to fall into place again.
I also want to thank you for your encouragement as I am new here. Take good care of yourself, and remember it's not worth it to throw away a perfectly good relationship and all the history that goes with it, that's precious. I know cause I have the same thoughts, I try to talk myself out of it and imagine the bad consequences. I am not preaching to you, mostly I am reminding myself and hoping it will help you too. Take care,

Christine777

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 2/18/2010 6:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the kind words christine. I will take any and all encouragment from all quarters. Yea i try to remember back to the pain and anxiety of the days after my wife found out about my affairs and i use that to help me kee on the straight and narrow. You are absolutly right that nothing i could find to have and affair with would replace the love and security i have now. Of course knowing that and understanding that while you have compulsions raging thru you is a real pain in the butt. LOL LOL LOL

I really try to let the past be the ast and not carry hurt forward into life however when it comes to stuff like the hurt i caused i think it is helpfull and healthy to keep a good touch on that memory. NOt to relive it constantly as a way to bring myself down but as a way to reinforce good behavior and keep me right.

And though i've had a rough day, i've come thru it fine and most imortantly didnt relapse into destructive behaviours. And that victory, though it was small, was still a victory and one i can carry forward to help me in the future.

Ok, time to go change my dressing, i think the words EEEWWWWW and IIICCCHHH are good descriptors of what is waiting for me. LOL LOL LOL

Check in with you all tommrrow.
biLL

Christine777
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 2/19/2010 3:23 PM (GMT -7)   
Sounds like you have a good attitude, keep it going. Your welcome. All the best and hope that spider bite heals fast.

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 2/19/2010 4:38 PM (GMT -7)   
UPDATE Guess what everyone, i have that darn mrsa bug. So that means no work for at least a week. I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND> lol lol lol
I am on two different antibiotics and feel generally pretty good except for occasional bouts of fever. The firehouse said thanks for trying to be a trooper and come in to work your shift but this is what sick leave is for. So i am going to treat this as a vacation and make the most of it. THere are a few projects that i want to try and get done.
well lets see what happens.
Keep happy everyone.
Bill tongue

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 2/19/2010 7:46 PM (GMT -7)   
So sorry to hear that, Bill. Take care of yourself. MRSA can be nasty. I think you're right to try and enjoy the "rest."

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


Christine777
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 2/19/2010 8:02 PM (GMT -7)   
So sorry to hear that. Be sure and rest yourself, it's important. Take care and enjoy the time off. Keep in touch and keep us posted.
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