A circular conundrum

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Mildlybipolar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 3/8/2010 6:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Here's my first plight I'd like to seek insight from my new friends here on this board.
 
It's a daily struggle, and I genuinely give it my best effort for fight off negative thoughts, and the ensuing negative emotions and depression, but it's become extremely difficult because of my lack of interest in just about everything. I'm pretty efficient at my job. Almost to a fault - where it's become extremely unchalleging. And then the boredom sets in, which can bring about a sense of worthlessness. My career has always driven me, but now I have no desire for a promotion, a raise, or even praise. I went from content to complacent.
 
It's this almost daily neverending circle of concern for me. I need to stay busy, mostly by being mentally engaged and sometimes physically, but I've got so little interest in anything - so how in the world do I keep my mind occupied?
 
I don't have much excitement for what I used to enjoy. I don't see the payoff in trying new things, that I haven't already discovered. Even what I do enjoy, I tire of quickly.
 
I usually dread the weekends, because without friends I want to hang out with, and without interests I don't have anymore, I sit around, get bored, and that sense of worthlessness comes about. And yes, there are nights then I drink because 1. I'm bored, and 2. because it slows my racing thoughts and give me a sense of focus.
 
I appreciate the feedback!
Bipolar II (diag. 2005)
On my 7th psychologist. *I've moved alot*
Thousands of pages read on my disorder
Looking for people like me
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right"
 


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 3/9/2010 5:30 AM (GMT -7)   

 

    I think i know where you are coming from. When i was on my full dose of meds i had absolutly no interest in nothing, zipp nada nothing. Well  after living a year like that i finally went to my Pdoc and asked if i could reduce my meds by half to see if i could get some interest in life back and some of that hypomanic energy. THat was about 4 months ago and i have gotten back some of that zest for life, however with a measure of control that i didnt have before i was diagnosed. Do i have the occasional bad day, yep, cant be helped. But  all in all i feel alot better and am enjoying life now a whole lot more than before. Think of it as Bipolar Lite turn 

  Now as for job stuff i feel you there. I did bicycle work for 22 years and really had a "been there, done that" attitude. There really wasn't much that i hadnt seen 20 times before. So i changed up (this was a part time job)  and got into loss prevention (catching shoplifters).  Wow, there is a job for people like us who can think fast and need a non tradition job enviroment to thrive in.  I have excelled there and even have returned to the bike shop because of my love of bikes. SOunds like you have excelled so well that there isnt a challenge to you anymore, and that is a death sentence for people like us who need to excell.

    Hope this helps a bit. Keep posting.

     Bill


Cateyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 3/9/2010 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I find I am bored alot in the job field when I do something far to long. After reading the message board I c that this is common for us. I have an overwhelming drive to excell it keeps my mind straight. I am a woman who has to have a career to maintain normalicy. My boredom over takes me sometimes.

Mildlybipolar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 3/9/2010 12:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Cateyes - I think it's because with bpd, we are HIGHLY functional and creative people. Our minds are ALWAYS going. I can't even shut my thoughts off to sleep at night. Even when my head hits the pillow I'm contemplating, reflecting or fantasizing.
 
So what do you do? Does your career keep you focused and thus positive?
 
I work in radio, so moving has come with the job field, but I did find contentment in my current job and location - but now after 3+ years here (my longest employment at once place), I've become bored and complacent.
 
It's hard to tell if it's the disorder that's bringing me down, or if it is time to seek a new challenge - or a combo of both.
 
But then again, it's so hard to make a decision when I can't discern where and what my interests are these days. I used to have goals, but no longer. I hate when people ask me "where do you want to be in 5 years?" I just can't answer it.
 
Happy Bill - your insight in great, I think we're in a very similar place in our lives and where we stand with BPD (lite - lol)
Bipolar II (diag. 2005)
On my 7th psychologist. *I've moved alot*
Thousands of pages read on my disorder
Looking for people like me
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right"
 


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 3/9/2010 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   

 

   I thought you all might get a kick out of my jobs and how they have changed as my life with bipolar has spun out.

  20-30 managed a bicycle shop, got my degree in history, long term relationships (lasting 2-3 years) with women, very stable.

   30-41  Worked in Bomb Disposal for 3 years before changing and becoming a full time firefighter. Part time job is now catching shoplifters in one of the busisest sears in the country.  My bipolar has give me a fearless feeling and allowed me to do things that most people think are crazy (run into burning bulidings, defuse bombs, etc)  married for that time and had a series of affairs that got out of control. (trust me when i mean out of control, about the only thing that wasnt involved was sheep)> LOL LOL LOL

   I have found work to be a creative outlet and a sourse of possitive imput for me. I am highly valued(I like to think so. tongue ) at all my jobs and work on average a 75-now 85 hour week.  My wife who likes to relax at home wants me to stay home more, i try to explain to her that just relaxing around the house every night (i do take a night a week off and chill) would kill me and honeslty the boredom was one of the reasons i had all the affairs i did.  But i need to be in a job that offers a VARIETY of outlets and tasks to be performed so i dont get bored. I was bored in the bicycle shop even though i LOVE bicycles with all my heart.

    I'm not saying this is for you, i have found a way to incorperate my disorder into my life and make some money at it. But i can see how it would be hard to leave a good paying job in this economy but at the same time be really bored doing what you do.

     Bill      


Mildlybipolar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 3/9/2010 7:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I'd like someone in my work to be that inspirational spark for me, on a daily basis.

Bill, you sound like a superhero! And I'd know, certain ones are a passion of mine.
Bipolar II (diag. 2005)
On my 7th psychologist. *I've moved alot*
Thousands of pages read on my disorder
Looking for people like me
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right"
 


Tainted
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 99
   Posted 3/12/2010 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Agreed, Bill sounds like a superhero.

MildlyBipolar, I can really relate to your situation too. My whole life I have gotten bored with little things easily, but I never imagined taht would transfer to something like school or work. For school, I just couldn't handle it. I attribute it as much to add as to bi-polar, but I just couldn't pay attention. On top of it I would sign up for classes that sounded so interesting, only to find around week four or five that I wasn't interested anymore. I eventually dropped out.

Work has been the same story. I excell at whatever I do, I take pride in doing it the best I can, and I always find things to do in any small amount of down time I have. My employers love it, and for this reason I have always been respected by my bosses, and they have always been quick to overlook my many faults (tardiness, bad moods, spacing out or making very very silly but costly mistakes). The problem is that after doing something for about 10 months I get so bored of it I just can't do it any more.


Currently I am a musician, a wanna be writer, and for the bills I deliver pizza. I find that, though monotonous, there are enough jobs in a pizza shop that if I do a little of everything I don't get too bored. Before, when I only worked delivery (I still only work delivery technically, but I am the only employee who can be told to do any job at any time and does it gladly, there are about four seperate positions in our pizza shop, with an average of 10 employees on at a time), anyways, before I started multitasking at work, I got so fed up with the monotony I hit a serious manic state, bought a one way ticket to Maui, and lived on the beach for two months. Then I came back, got my job back with a smile, and I was all right.

The point is... I don't know, but you're not alone! I'd suggest trying to find extra things you can do at work to vary your daily routine there.

As far as contentment and complacency, I actually wrote a song many years ago by that title, here are the opening lines:

I walk the fine line between contentment and complacency
I just don't understand this potential that you see in me
must be the bad side of my imature personalities
I'm better but I've never faced my insecurities

and you say that you know me
but you don't
why can't you just leave me
well enough alone


Best of luck!
Tainted

Mildlybipolar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 3/12/2010 6:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I try. I do really try to find stuff to keep my mind occupied, but sometimes there's just nothing to do. Or, I can't get started in the first place. There's no people with "spark" in my building that really fire up my creative mania. And it's rare when I can get it going myself. Sometimes it'll work after I do some mental warmups, much like stretching before a workout.

Do you produce music, or just write? I work in radio. I always like hearing new stuff!
Bipolar II (diag. 2005)
On my 7th psychologist. *I've moved alot*
Thousands of pages read on my disorder
Looking for people like me
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right"
 


Tainted
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 99
   Posted 3/12/2010 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Yeah, I have been blessed at this job (three years now) to work with great people with similiar interests and philosophies. Conversation is encouraged and helps me through the day!

As for music I play mostly folk and blues and country stuff, mostly solo, though lately I have been playing with my first band. I consider myself a songwriter first though. I hope this isn't violating the policy for promotion of products or sites of which I have a vested interest in, but I have some songs on myspace at www.myspace.com/colinwoekel

My only other advice for you is go to hawaii ;)

Mildlybipolar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 3/12/2010 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Songwriting will make you rich! If you're good. I tried the link but only one song played. I'll try again though.
Bipolar II (diag. 2005)
On my 7th psychologist. *I've moved alot*
Thousands of pages read on my disorder
Looking for people like me
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right"
 


32flavors
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 3/13/2010 11:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Mildly bipolar... I know where you're coming from. Since I graduated from college in 1998, after 18 yrs of school, I've had 7 jobs. I average about 2 yrs per job before I move on to something else new and exciting. I've been at my current job for almost 4 yrs. I'm pretty sure I'm setting some kind of bipolar record. At any rate, the constant need for something exciting, the rush of something new - it's all about looking for something external to make me FEEL. Something outside of myself. I finally realized after uprooting myself more times than I care to admit, that all the searching was because I couldn't stand to just BE. I couldn't stand to be alone with myself. I believe that I'm part of your 2% world (yeah I read it), but at some point the collective WE have to get out of our heads and into LIFE. We stay in our head because it's safe there. We're really good at it and it's effortless. But true intelligence is a balance. Yes, the typos are still irritating, but the feelings and intent are real and raw and OK.
"...i am 32 flavors and then some..." ~ ani difranco


Mildlybipolar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 3/14/2010 9:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow. I just spit out my coffee Carrie! You navigated your way over there...for that I say THANK YOU.

I don't disagree with you about needing to be part of life and society. Regardless of your illness, whatever anyone has, they need others, they need life around them. I know it's not good confining myself. But after the 6h psych, I do feel as if I made a genuine effort to be as social as possible, and things just didn't work out.

As for moving...exactly what you said I brought up with my CURRENT psych a few weeks ago, cuz it's something I'm scared of right now.

Since you read 2.2 % (LOL) and you seem to be "on the run" would you mind exchanging emails with me? Maybe you could also rate my writing ability :)
Bipolar II (diag. 2005)
On my 7th psychologist. *I've moved alot*
Thousands of pages read on my disorder
Looking for people like me
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right"
 


32flavors
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 3/14/2010 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
And how might I do that without posting it to the world?
"...i am 32 flavors and then some..." ~ ani difranco


Mildlybipolar
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 56
   Posted 3/14/2010 10:55 AM (GMT -7)   
too funny lol. you found the 2.2% but not my email lol.

its on my profile for this board. you will kick yourself when you see what it is lol. your last post had me scurrying for a paragraph in the dale carnegie book im in the process of reading. ill share with you!
Bipolar II (diag. 2005)
On my 7th psychologist. *I've moved alot*
Thousands of pages read on my disorder
Looking for people like me
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't - you're right"
 

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