Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 3/9/2010 8:24:21 PM (GMT-7)
First welcome and secondly let me say how sorry i am for you that this desease has wreaked your life. If you look around here you will find most of the BP people here have taken responsiblity for their desease and have accepted that treatment including meds is the only option aviable to them if we want a normal life. Your hubby is completely out of control and unless he sees a problem than no one will be able to convinnce him he has a problem. My advice is to get some helpp for yourselves and give yourself time to recover from this mess. Getting away from him is your only option at this point.
And if it helps take solace inthe fact that he didnt do this on purpose. He is sick, the same way cancer can sneak up on you so can this desease. I'm not saying it excuses what its done, but in his defence he also is a victaim here also. Here is hoping he gets help before something very bad happens to him. ANd here is hoping you can recover and rebuild your life and soon be smiling again.
Whats hard for you to understand, and this is true for any person who is "normal" is how logical his thoughts seem to him. Its like you trying to explain to me, a man, what being pregant is really like. You could use every word in the world, have the greatest writers and poets assist you, and even then, it would only be a pale image of what it really is like. Same for what we go thru, we feel like we are completely right, we are totally sane and under control, and can rationalize almost anything. I thank whatever power that rules the universe that it granted me a moment of clarity to see what i was doing was wrong.
And not to be to graphic, but you need to hear this. This isnt YOUR fault in any way. He is sick. I was sick to when i was running around having affairs left and right, however i BELIEVED in my mind i was completely justified and correct. Like i said before this isnt your fault at all.
HEy June, these are tough times you are going thru, thankfully many of us have been on this road before and have a feel for the landscape.
about him, when i was having my break with reality i honestly didnt care a bit about my wife either. I told her it was over, that i was glad she found out since "my pain"could be out in the open now. Even when she attacked me and came clse to killing me i just couldnt care one way or the other. This is hard for you to understand June because in your mind you probally have never had the swings that fly thru us from highest high to lowest low in a matter of a minute. Thats no exeragation there, we can litterly switch completely from one end to the other that fast(at least i can). And like taking as speeding car and slamming in reverse in the middle of the freeway it casuse lots of damages, same for us. The physical pain of a bipolar mania attack is very bad, like running a marathon and even though your tired you rbody is still trying to run more. The emotional pain of rapid cycling is indescribable, it hurts everywhere. And spritually also, even after you come down and get help you still remember the damage you did, the hurt you caused, no one ever wants to think of themselves as the bad guy. Well i was the bad guy, and its a part of my life that still hurts to look back ona nd remmeber how bad of a husband/dad i really was.
Some things are still hazy from that couple of days, i dont know how or when the moment of clarity hit me, maybe i just manned up and said enough is enough, maybe god had some pity and helped me out, maybe martian mind control rays took over. I dont know and dont care to know. Its enough for me that something happened and i began my journey back into the "normal" world. But even after that, it took 8 months of meds and therapy for me to be able to function on any level approaching normal.
Unfortunally June we who hang out here a lot see your kinda posts all the time. The hardest part in trying to help you is to get you to understand that you are truely helpless in the face of this monster. You need to concentrate on getting you and your children away from him, because even if he doesnt do somethine physical, he is still causing you tons of emotional damage.
Is your marriage over, No one can say right now if it is or it isnt. But this all has to start with him getting help. That is a non negotiable. If he isnt willing to get realy help, that you have to get out. This will not get better with time it will only get worse. Now there is no saying that if you leave, he clues in and gets help, that you cant reconstruct your marriage later. One thing you have to do is let the pain of what he has said and done not paint your soul with anger and hate. He is SICK, he is not in his right mind, and for your sake you need to be able to let this go so you dont cloud your future with negative feelings from this time in your life.
I hope in some small way this is helping you . Keep posting and we will keep trying ot giv eyou support and information. This is a great bunch of people on here, we have walked this path and know it well.
Post Edited (happy bill) : 3/22/2010 11:43:22 AM (GMT-6)
Hey June, " Is it BiPolar?" Well i'm no doctor, but it sounds exactly like me with what i went thru and how i acted. The only difference is that i didnt push my wife away, i wanted sex every darn day and night.
"He seems to know exactly what he is doing" I was holding down two jobs at 70 hours a week, three affairs, and still taking care of family and everything else. Just because we are crazy doesnt mean we are stupid. I covered my tracks very very well for many years. I got sloppy and i got caught. But i would have convinced anyone that i was in my right mind. Everyone thought it was ADD.
"did i feel guilt" Nope not at all. In my mind it was her who let me down, and i was doing the only logical thing left for a man to do if his wife doesnt want to have sex. I was only there because she drove me to it. (Remember that is crazy person rationalization)
I was still very sweet to my wife, my motto is if life gives you lemons make lemonade. SO i was taking what my wife was giving and finding relief for the rest outside the marriage. And i was very sweet to those i was with. Just because i am crazy doesnt mean i cant be nice. I've been known as happy bill for many years now, i have always had a nice person personality.
June the difference between me and your hubby is simply one thing. I was granted a moment of clarity after everything went down. I still to this day do not know why or how it came upon me, just that it did and it saved my life in everyway a person can be saved. Had i not got help i would have had a divorce, missed the last 2 years worth of joy and happiness, and probally would have killed myself if the truth be told.
I'm sorry June, maybe we should stop talking as it seems it is only upsetting you more. I was only trying to shead some light on where he is at.
Forum moderator: Maybe we should lock this thread or delete it all together as it is to painfull for some people to read.
Post Edited (serafena) : 3/23/2010 10:31:42 AM (GMT-6)