Well I noticed yesterday morning that I didn't have as much energy, didn't think much of it or thought that maybe stim side effects of Lamictal are wearing off. At work I was okay until about eight at night. I just started to crash. Somebody was annoying me, and my spaciness (The last few days I've been forgetting really basic things very easily, spacing out a lot, not knowing what I am doing) was causing problems with work for the first time. It was one of those downward spirals and I just started beating myself up really bad. I almost freaked out. I started shaking, I got really irratable but when I'd snap at someone it would make me more depressed because I knew they didn't deserve it. BLAAA!
All in all, I think a large part of it was just that I felt so good in general all week. Sure I've been worried about stuff and have had some disconcerting experiences, but I didn't feel really depressed all week! Now feeling the crash come and realizing I'm entering a depressed cycle is really depressing. It scares me because I recognize where I am at right now as a mixed state, and now that I understand what that means it is scary. Right now I feel like I've got these tools that I know can help me feel better now and in the long run (friends, thinking, staying possitive, and of course continued use of meds), but I just don't care or think it's just not worth the effort.
It's almost like "ignorance is bliss". Before I couldn't rationally think about my emotions or actions. I know that understanding and being aware of these changes is critical, but it would almost be easier to go back to how I was and just hole myself up in my room and wollow in self pitty.
Okay. I think I got it off my chest, and now I need to go outside and enjoy the last of this sun!