Thanks you guys.
Well, I was going to post new entitled "Terrified" but "taking it slow" still applies.
Last night I talked to my Mom very briefly to see how she was doing after her biopsy. She's all stapled up and in more pain But even worse, they ended up doing a CT Scan and they found another spot on her lungs
I really am freaking out, even though we don't officially know it's cancer, all I can think about is that it is cancer and it has spread and that scares me to death. My mind last night was going to the worst possible places. I am trying to think positive, but it feels like I can't at all.
I am going to call pdoc this morning and let him know what is going on. The Lexapro has been upsetting my stomach so I think I need to stop that and consider something else or go back to the Mirapex. Yesterday I had a panic attack (a really bad one, at work) for over 3 hours, it was very difficult to breathe. I forgot my Clonazepam at home....I have it with me today.
I am worried about my mood and at the same time, I don't even care. All I really want is for my Mom to be healthy. I cannot lose her
I will try to not let my mind go to the scary places, and I am going to try to cope somehow....
Thank you all for reaching out to me and reading these sad postings. It means a lot and it is truly helping.
So I emailed my pdoc yesterday (benefits of working in the same hospital and in mental health together, I can just email him now if I need something between appointments! And he gets back to me sooooooo much faster than his secretary ever did!)...Anyway, going of the Lexapro due to the cycling and going back to the Mirapex. It worked for me last summer but when I got hired at the hospital in September I was overwhelmed and so that led to the huge crash so although we increased the Mirapex it just didn't help. So I am worried it won't help but at the same time, the season is better and has overall helped my mood a bit.
I really hate all these med changes all the time. It's frustrating and I know you all get what it is like. But we keep fighting don't we? That is the one thing that makes me proud to be bipolar (I know that sounds strange) but we go through so much and for the most part try not to give up. It takes a lot of courage and strength to do so!
Update on Mom--she has had a fever for the past two days after her biopsy so we are worried about infection; so my sister is taking her to the hospital today. I am still obviously so worried and scared about this whole thing. But it helps to talk to her.
Anyway, thanks again,