Trying to understand

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Not2L8
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/19/2010 2:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I'm new to this so please forgive me if this sounds off.
I was just diagnosed with bipolar, My therapists figured once they put it all together that all the crap I've been feeling these last few years make sense. I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep otherwise my head just races. I swing back and forth between what I had accepted as normal or deep depression. As a teenager I used self mutalitation to alleviate the pain. I have a long history of sexual abuse as a child, and realized recently that I started using sex a long time ago to numb whatever I was feeling as long as I was in control. At 16 I was raped and hospitalized for a month. The only good that came from it was that I quit hurting myself on a regular bases. I quit for a long time though I fall back every now and then. I have two kids and a husband...so I try my best to suffer in silence. Sometimes it's too much to bare. Lately though, I'm on Xanax, lamictal, ambien and prozac...I've had 2 major medication changes in the last 3 months because nothing seemed to make the sadness go away. Lately the past month I've lost interest in everything, I'm a full-time student and mom so that's not a good thing. I find it hard to care about much of anything except my kids and husband. What is happening?????? Does anyone out there know where I'm coming from?

happy bill
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Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 4/19/2010 4:51 PM (GMT -7)   

 

  First of all welcome and yes, what you are saying makes complete sense.  In mycase the doctor focused on my manias since they were what was causing me trouble (excess sexual energy lead me to having multipal affairs on my wife) so i take respirdone to take away alot of my mania energy. However once we did that it unmasked a depression that was hiding under the surface. So when i need it is take celexa also to control the depression. Once i had a year under my belt i worked with my doctor to reduce my respridone so i could have a little bit of the mania energy back. SInce then life has been great. Sometimes it is hard and i get urges but i take extra of my respridone and that gets me thru it.

  ANd dont think you have to suffer in silence anymore. FIrst it isnt healthy. If you cant talk at home then post here. We have a great variety of experiences here and trust me, we've heard it all, or done it all. LOL LOL LOL Basicly if you can shock this group  you will get a prize. LOL LOL

 But honestly you will find lots of support around here. I will say to you what i tell every new person. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Having people to talk to who actually UNDERSTAND what you are going thru is a great help in the fight with this monster.

    Again Welcome.  Happy Bill

  


Not2L8
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/19/2010 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you very much!!!!!

Newbie37
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 4/19/2010 5:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I completely understand where you are coming from. I am also a mother, I have three kids and a husband who tries to understand but he usually has no idea what to do with me. I am also a full-time student but have been so bad lately that I have not attended classes for the past month ( I have also been physically ill) which has just made my bipolar issues worse. I have a similar history from what you mentioned above. Bill is right. You are definitely not alone! I don't have any answers right now, but I am a good listener and can relate. Best wishes.

tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/19/2010 7:03 PM (GMT -7)   
(((hug)))
 
I understand.  I have some of the same background.
 
I'm also a mother and I was a full-time student.  I just got stabilized for the first time in my life.  Without the manias, I couldn't keep up in school.  It was killing me to be away from my son.  He had lived with my parents for most of his life because of my BP.  I withdrew from classes and am a stay-at-home momma now, thanks to my wonderful, supportive, and amazingly-patient SO.
 
You still care about your kids and husband.  That is wonderful!  Embrace what you DO have instead of wishing for what you don't have now.  Enjoy every moment you can enjoy, and you'll find yourself having more of those moments.
 
Are you able to remove everything stressful from your life?  At one time I was able to do that and keep myself in check.  I literally did not do anything that I didn't want to do.  I worked part-time at a job I loved, trained dogs in the afternoon and evening, ended up performing with one of them at an amusement park with a stunt dog show...  I followed my passion and left EVERYTHING else behind.  Can you do that?
 
Hang in there momma!
 
 
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/19/2010 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
thank for your responses...I'm still trying to sort out what part of my life am I really in control of.
I often feel pulled in a million directions. juggling life ,school, sports for kids, breakfast and dinner for the family, sports for my husband and I. Umpire from time to time, go to therapy either 1 a week or every 2 weeks. I've graduated HS, tried to go to san jac 12 yrs ago but somehow during the semester just fell out from under me. i somehow made it to school only to keep crying unable to stop. all i remember is that i spent a few hours there in the counselors office until my boyfriend/now husband was able to come get me and take me to some place safe. SHE HAD FOUND ME A THERAPIST thru the united way. I thought I was just having a nervous breakdown. I was going to school full time, worked full time, and was trying to do the school play for which i had a part. OVERLOAD
I walked away from everything for a while. I might have started cutting or burning myself again by then I dont remember.
I DONT know where i fit in. I've done things I'm not proud of. cried or cowared at the idea of certain people touching me. and on the other side of that when im feeling vaulnerable its like those fight or flight moments take over and i turn on my flirting, im aggressive, impulsive, i have this sick tendancy take somebody to their limit or i should say my limit i guess to see if i can still walk away. i have this strong front that i play well, but if i get pushed back i often shut down and submit when everything in my head is screaming. i dont want to be doing this. but i cant stop it. someone could get hurt. UGH!!!!!
I guess the flirting is like a sick hi. I found it easier than being objectified by others who were interested in me if i stayed in control of the situations. if someone could get past my walls and i could feel safe then they were my real friend. (cruel i know)
I wear my heart on my sleeve, trust few people more than i could throw them, but I love with everything that i am. I BELIEVE THERE IS SUCH A THING AS PASSION AND I BELIEVE IF YOU WANT SOMETHING BAD ENOUGH YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT. I WANT A LIFE THATS NORMAL...BUT WHAT IS THAT? HOW DO YOU FIGHT FOR THE UNKNOWN? (FAITH) THAT SOMETHING BETTER EXISITS, IDK THANKS FOR LISTENING.

horse crazy
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Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 4/19/2010 11:56 PM (GMT -7)   
on't know...seems like every time I think I have the bi-polar stuff figured out, something else gets throw in.  I have learned to ride with it.  I am thankful my 2 kids are grown now, but still very supportive and I have a supportive husband.  I have found it very hard to make and keep friends because of the mood swings.  Big thing you have to remember is you need support of some kind.  You seem reluctant to "bug" your husband with your issues, but if he shows any indication of wanting to help, get him a good book to read on bi-polar disorder so he has a good understanding of what you are going thru.  Use this forum as support.  We are here 24 hours a day.  Also you seem to have a lot of issues from the past and I hope you are trying to get those resolved in talk therapy.  Keep us posted.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/20/2010 4:58 AM (GMT -7)   
I know I keep talking about the past...I am going to talk therapy though and have been pretty regularly for the last year or so. I'm just trying to get a handle on where all this is coming from. I've recently (last year) was able to fight thru the lows and got my associates degree, now I'm trying to finish my bachlors. I'm 34..... It seems so hard right now I forget why I'm doing any of it. Normally I would just go shopping, zone out for a couple hours but I don't even enjoy that anymore. I could careless about things I once loved to do. I'm able to recognize when I'm in trouble for the most part....I figure when It gets to a point where I can't keep it in check I have to get help. For the last 4-6 months I've been contemplating checking into a hospital but I feel like there's so much to do, I'd just be running away. I'll admit I get overloaded on a regular basis, but I feel like I can't let anyone down. My husband is trying to help and be understanding, which as long as I keep things in check it's easier...but he doesn't know everything. I tell him how I'm feeling without trying to scare him. He already checks up on me regularly.

tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/20/2010 6:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Do you overload when you are manic and cause a depressive episode? 
 
That was my classic pattern.  My last mania, I was renovating my house by myself (!), working full-time, running a small business, trying to launch a non-profit, leading small groups at church, dating, and going to school full-time.
 
I overwhelmed myself after a year or so, lost my job ...  therefore lost my house.  Eventually dropped out of school.  Left the church.  Ditched the business (it's something I can pick up easily later).
 
I dropped everything out of my life except my SO and my son.  (Good choice!)  When I finally recovered from the episode (with meds, therapy, hospitalization), I had some major life changes.  Now, I'm finally doing the things that I wanted to do "when I grow up."
 
I'm a normal person.  (well...  sort of)  rolleyes   smilewinkgrin
 
I found it hard to draw the line between including my SO and scaring him.  At one really low point right before I was hospitalized, I tried to let him know what was going on.  I don't think he "got" it until I was trying to cook dinner (NOT going well) and I started c*tt*ng my wrist with a paring knife.  I didn't hide it fast enough and he saw it.  I had a humongously huge crash at the end of that week and was in the hospital.  That scared him too.  I left in the morning and was just fine, but an hour later I was s**c*d*l.  I will never forget the look on his face while we were in the ER waiting to go to the behavioral health floor.  I want to cry just thinking about it.
 
STOP trying to figure it out.  It will drive you crazy.  Meditate.  Start a routine.  Make a pattern in your life that will always be there for you, no matter how crasy everything else gets.
 
Get a dog! :)
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/20/2010 10:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes... I guess I do. But I never thought of them as manic episodes. I thought it was normal. I don't have major highs, not in the extreme that I've read about anyways. I would be sexually charged, more aggressive, more flirtatious, I just figured it was who I was, due to my past history. For as long as I can remember I've had to take sleeping pills because my mind wouldn't shut off, I take everything on at once because I feel like I have to, I can't let everyone down. When I want something done I'll do it myself. My husbands come home to find that I've rearranged the living room or bedroom, couches, Tv's, armoire, dressers, king size beds (nothing lite) It would take everything I had. I'm a wapping 5'2.5 lol...when I clean (and I suck at it) I have to start from the inside out, like inside drawers and crap. I cant just do the surface. It's not always me who over extends myself. My Husband often volunteers for so much crap I have to take up the slack. I go to school full-time, though I haven't been in 2 weeks, with school work I find if I don't get it done while at school I don't get it done at all. I can't concentrate at home, I feel like I'm not doing my job as a wife or mother If I take more time away from them. I play ball once a week with my husband (coed)(used to be for myself but I could careless about it this last year). I get so overwhelmed I have to drop everything just to hang on. I'd wake sometimes in the middle of the night or just not be able to sleep. I'd go into my bathroom and just cry....staring at all the things I could use to hurt myself, trying to reason the mess it would cause if I did. so instead I would crawl into the bathtub feel the cold against my body and face and just pray for it to pass or at least until I could pull it together enough to function. I wouldn't wake anyone, not if I could help it. Lately I just try and come to the living room when I can't sleep, sit in the recliner and just watch TV until I was so exhausted I would fall asleep. But usually my husband wakes, because he refuses to stay in bed without me in it and tells me to come back to bed. If I don't he'll sit with me, which makes me feel like crap because he has to get up early to go to work, then complains he's tired all the time, and I know it's my fault. He stays up (well actually falls asleep on the couch next to me) until 11 or 12 now. or until I agree to go lay down. So I make myself, as long as I can. I take my ambien earlier and earlier trying to make myself tired enough to go to sleep. I often wonder what's wrong with me? confused

Carenpolar
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Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 4/20/2010 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
welcome to the board.
hugs,Caren
bipolar 1

tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/20/2010 10:26 AM (GMT -7)   

Major furniture rearrangements are something I'd do too.  Always by myself.  It's amazing what I can move when I'm motivated!  tongue  That is something that started when I was a kid.  I rearranged my room MAJORLY every 6 months or more often.

As far as your husband volunteering you for things - that is definitely something you need to talk about!  He needs to know it affects your ability to cope with BP, and that you're not able to keep up with your IMPORTANT obligations (him, kids, school, etc) when he volunteers you for other things!  That is DISRESPECTFUL.  I can't tell you how angry and insulted I would be!  Is he having issues about you not working? 

Have you talked to your pdoc about having trouble sleeping?  Maybe your other meds need adjusting?

I think you need to talk to your husband about your NEED to stay up alone.  I would be so fuming mad if my SO was like that!  Does your husband have attachment issues?  That could make things complicated...

There's a fabulous book out there titled "Boundaries."  It is a self-help book from a Christian perspective.  It's really awesome and helpful, even if you don't appreciate/read the christian point of view part. 

I think right now you have more things going on than BP.  You need to learn how to keep your husband's actions from affecting you.  (The Boundaries book will teach you that)  Hopefully then, your husband will learn how to SUPPORT you.  Because what he *thinks* is supporting you is actually stressing you out and hurting both of you!

((((hug))))


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Newbie37
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 4/20/2010 12:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Moving furniture was always something I did too, I wonder why? I have issues with symmetry. My ex-husband used to mess things up in our house just so him and his friends could laugh at me going around fixing things because I couldn't walk by and leave things out of place. I didn't even realize at the time that I was doing it. Yes, he is my ex. He was very unsupportive of my illness. We were together when I was finally diagnosed properly and he couldn't deal with it. My hubby doesn't sleep either if I am not in the room. I used to go downstairs and watch TV for hours and he would always come looking for me. Now I just stay in the bed and do it. He has gotten used to the TV being on. I feel bad because I know it disturbs him because he still gets up sometimes, but I can't sleep and the TV keeps my mind from racing like crazy. I can definitely relate to the crying episodes. I have been doing that a lot lately and I have been obsessing about burning myself. My pdoc suggesting putting a rubberband around my wrist and flicking it when I get the urge to burn so the it kind of simulates the pain. Glad to see I am not the only one on here all the time. I am just not sure what else to do.

Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/20/2010 1:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I hear ya. I'm in a weird place right now. I don't what to make of my feelings. My husband is a bit over protective/possive. More insecure than anything. He loves me and sometimes like now when I'm feeling needy, it doesn't bother me. But other times it drives me nuts. He can't stand to know I'm off alone. He'd rather be right next to me. He's told me a dozen times at least to just watch tv in the bedroom, but it just feels like more pressure sometimes. And my daughter likes to sleep on the lounger at the foot of our bed so it bugs me even more that I'll wake her too. I've been thru the burning, cutting, wanting to drive my car into a brick wall. I used to give in more b4 I had kids, now I fight it harder. It's not ever easy though.

happy bill
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Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 4/20/2010 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
 
  What i have been working on the last year is control. I basicly sat down and drew up a list of what absolutly HAD to be done around the house. Looked at that list and with some hard thinking i pared it down even more. I gave up alot of stuff to simplify, and honestly wish i could get rid of even more.
 
   Once i got that list together i set about following it. Top of my list was being faithful and being a good husband/father.  After that came work, than came excersise. I pretty much stopped worrying about everything else. The dishes didnt get done that night? Too bad. Same for laundry, and other house chores. I had to simplify to get to a level where i could put as much of my effort toward getting better. And it helped a lot.
 
   Once i got myself back on top of this disorder, i then started to add things in and see how they did. I now work 3 jobs, do housework, be a good husband, ride my bike, and enjoy life on top of BP. Now i understand how sneaky this desease can be so i keep  a constant lookout for issues. In that time i have had a few rough patches, but all in all i have had good luck in handling this.
 
   But the big this was to simplify. You have to find out WHO you are and WHERE you are in life. Once you get those answered then you can concentrate on WHERE YOU ARE GOING.
 
  Also i have said this before, and i will say it again. LOLLOL LOL   Take a pass for the mistakes you have made, just let it go and say "I forgive myself". Mainly because it wasnt your fault. When we are under the influnece of BP we really arnt thinking straight.  So all that i did, i have let go and moved on from.  And you know what, i feel so much better letting it all go. It does noone any good for me to keep feeling guilt and pain for my past mistakes. Now i dont forget them and keep the knowage to help me stay on the straight and narrow, but forgivness is something you need to find within yourself to move forward.
 
   Hope this helps.  Bill

tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/20/2010 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
^^^ What he said.  smile
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/20/2010 8:50 PM (GMT -7)   
First I would like to say thank you all for making me feel welcome and not so alone. Although I'm not new to something feeling off, figuring out what's happening is both comforting and frightening. The more I talk to my Dr's and the more I read up on previous diagnosis the more all this crap makes sense. I just thought I was broken, defective.

tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/20/2010 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   

I call myself "defective" tongue-in-cheek with a huge smile.  lol  "all kinds of messed up"  "a variety of mental illnesses" "hopelessly, permanently broken"  lolol turn

Getting the BP diagnosis and finding out my previous diagnoses was a HUGE relief for me.  Knowing what was wrong empowered me to find solutions, seek help and eventually get it in remission.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


happy bill
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Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 4/21/2010 6:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hah defective you are not, you are just the way you are supposed to be. LOL LOL LOL What i like to say when i have said something crazy (like when i said i look better than Brad Pitt, my wife rolles her eyes) tongue tongue is "WHATS THE USE OF BEING CRAZY IF YOU CANT TAKE IT AND HAVE FUN WITH IT FROM TIME TO TIME".

hAVE A GREAT DAY. iLL check in later.

Bill

tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/21/2010 6:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Check in - let us know how today goes.  :)  I'll be around today.  Just holler if you need anything.  :)
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/21/2010 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
You guys are so awesome...turn I talked to my disability service coordinator today and explained everything thats been going onsmhair he told me worst case I take a medical withdrawl from classes this semester best case... I take some time off to stabalize and take my time finishing up my classes no later than the end of fall assuming my instructors go for it. I'm a darn art major, this is supposed to be the fun part. Hard to be creative when you're feeling nothing about anything. I've been going back over all my diagnosis over the years (12-34) and I swear Besides the really (pardon the phrase) crazy mania, I have my own version of it, It seems f*^#in text book, Bipolar (rapid cycling I believe), Boderline personality, anexiety, signs of PTSD. ugh....I get why its hard for therapist to put it all together. How often do you explain your whole life at once. I often skiped over the stuff that was embarrassing or thought was just normal for me. I mean I've been sexually abused or harrassed half my life, I'm entilted to be messed up in the head. I don't do durgs. I don't smoke, I only  drink on ocassion when out with friends. I'm just moody...lol I have really big lows and wish I were dead sometimes. Ok maybe I'm not supposed to admit that but the Dr's know. Thats why I have to keep my head on straight reguardless of how I'm feeling, if not they just tell me the next step is hospitalization...UGH!!!!!! How do you ask someone whose messed up in the head what they want to do???? really. It's like asking a kid if he wants to go play with his friends or stay in his room. Ok...so the room sounds really good sometimes, but my family wouldnt know what to do without me....more to the point my husband, he relys on me to take care of everything. He doesn't do a whole lot around the house or with bills, etc. unless I ask him specifically to do it and even then it's like pulling teeth. I'm normally having to spell out exactly what I need from him...This turns into arguments every few months when I'm at my wits end. I get tired of having to spell it out. When I just know what I need to do and when I need to do it. I'm expected to read minds, be superwoman... why can't I at least have half of that in return.... Ok I've gotten off subject. Talk to me...I really enjoy reading your insights. It often makes me feel better. 

tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
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   Posted 4/21/2010 10:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Do you ever get a day off?  It's important!  Not just for your sanity, but to ensure you are appreciated.

I'm a stay-at-home momma.  I keep the house clean, lunch on the table at 12:10, dinner by 6:00, laundry done, animals cared for, gardens tended, shopping done, etc.

But I DO NOT do housework on the weekends.  I'll do yardwork because I love it.  I take care of the dogs and my rabbits.  But I don't do anything that isn't necessary.

Sure it leaves a HUGE mess to clean up on Monday morning, but the mess is a weekly reminder to my SO of how much I actually do during the week.

I think it's time for your husband to step up and take control of something for you.  My XDH left everything to me.  The bills were especially stressful because there was never enough money to go around.  Even now, financial stuff causes me to have fits of anxiety.  I avoid going to the bank at almost any cost.  It took me 7 months to pay my property taxes, and it wasn't for lack of $ (it was in escrow) but I couldn't manage the stress of it.

My SO takes care of all the $, except my marital debt.  It's been such a huge relief that I've been able to do a little bit more than I expected.  I have been able to earn enough money to cover my car payment, even though he plans on paying it.  I'm starting to gain some confidence.

Just 1 day off a week, and 1 responsibility handed off to your husband (that he takes over, not you having to pull teeth!) could do so much for you.  It could do a lot for your marriage too - 1 less fight to stress out over.  :)

We've said a couple times what your husband appears to be deficient in.  But definitely DON'T nag him!  The best way to change behavior is through rewards.  Look for EVERY LITTLE thing he does to support you - or at least try to support you.  Thank him, appreciate him.  It will encourage him to do more for you.  :warmfuzzyfeelings:


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Tsunami
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/23/2010 8:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Not2L8,

I'm surprised that you didn't get a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Any time chidhood abuse and self harm are mentioned, psychiatrists seem to automatically think of borderline. I too have a history of self harm, childhood abuse, impulsivity, etc. and I guess it makes it looks a lot like borderline. To me, it wouldn't explain my long periods of depression, though. Or my periods of elation that last MORE than a few days (according to the DSM mood episodes only last a few days with borderline).

*sigh* I'm still waiting on a diagnosis... and my psychiatrist doesn't seem to get how important it is to have one.

Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/27/2010 8:39 PM (GMT -7)   
If you haven't already read... (MY childhood/early adulthood bio) I was originally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. However when I started therapy again as an adult, my doctors believed I was suffering more from major depression moderate with signs of PTSD. What seemed to be the biggest stump to get over for all of them was that I was functioning. They never saw how bad it got or how hard I fought in silence. I just felt that the rest of the world was more important. I had responsibilities...I couldn't let everyone down. Once I told an evaluator my previous diagnosis, after talking with me for less than 5 min, he said that I wasn't borderline. maybe depressed. lol dumbass. I told my family physician once that I was taking antidepressants, and he asked me why? I told him I had a history of abuse and was depressed. He asked me if I was sure someone didn't plant that thought in my head. I was too pretty to be depressed. laughable. I don't care much for my pdoc but I at least think he's on the right track with the bipolar part. after reading up on it... It makes a lot of sense. After I broke it down with my regular therapist, we were able to put everything together and everything fell into place. My mania was subtle by most standards, reasonable given my sexual history. My ability to reason what was happening prevented me from letting it go too far. I had my kids to think about. What kind of mess I would leave behind for them if I wasn't here. The pain has gotten worse since I started back to school. The stress has sent me overboard at times but somehow I've managed to get my associates and maintain a 3.75 GPA. I've since transfered to another school to finish up my Bachelor's degree. I got thru the first semester but this last one I've fallen apart. Everything is crashing or at least I am. I just can't keep up this charade. I'm broken....in pieces.

AK93
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 5/5/2010 9:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome! Aww, I totally understand -hug- ! I also swing between being depressed and what I thought was 'normal' for me - because I don't have very extreme manic episodes either. Its sort of hard to accept that isn't the real me..are you having difficulty with that too? I feel like I have no clue who I am anymore haha. And I used to self harm when I was younger too, when I had no idea at all what was wrong with me. Thankfully I managed to break the habit and do it very rarely now, like yourself. C:

Ughh I know just how you feel about being a full time student and depressed - ESPECIALLY with art : | Oh man do I feel your pain haha! When I'm depressed being creative is just impossible, I hate everything that I make when I'm in that state. I had to quit one of my courses because I just couldn't do it anymore, when I'd done so well until I got depressed again! Then lo and behold, I get hypomanic a few weeks after I quit the course and I probably could have carried on then! XD I know how frustrating it is, just remember it will get better. C: And again, welcome.
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