Everyone looks.....but no one really knows what to say.....I'm broken, thats all I know for sure in this life. My pain I'm sure is not unique. There are others out there who have endured much more. All I can do is explain...though it may not help anyone. I always thought that everything happened for a reason, it made us who we are. I was just more messed up than some. My ages I'm sure are off a bit. But around 6 or 7 I was first molested by a friend of a family friend. I simply remember my younger friend whispering something to him and then him fondeling me. It happened over and over again but I don't remember how long. Around the age of 9 my fathers brother I suppose he was 17-18 at the time started to touch me. He was visiting and my parents had hime babysitting for the night while they went out. That night I was asleep in their bed. He came in and woke me. showed me his (not sure if I'm allowed to say this here) penis asked me to touch it. I was scared and nervous. he pulled off my panties and laid down on the bed pulling me onto his face. It was my first experience with oral sex. I have no Idea how long I was laying there on his face. I remember adjusting a few times because it hurt. eventually I fell asleep slumped over. when he was done he layed my back down and left the room. I cant tell you how many times that happened. I don't remember. He tried to have sex with me once...showed me a condom, asked me if I knew what it was. excused himself to go into the bathroom and asked that I wait. I ran into the living room, grabbed my baby brother and placed in my lap. When he came back out, he asked me to come with him. I told him My brother needed me and I couldn't leave him. It came out once....I finally told my sitter, who was more like a friend to me after she started to date him. she told my parents for me and they questioned me relentlessely but sent him back home. vowing to not have any contact with him. (that was a crock) it lasted until I was in my 20's then he was back in their lives again. It didnt stop there though..... at 11 maybe, one of my fathers friends showed interest in me. He would say crude things when no one was around. rub up against me when I was doing dishes. When he talked crap in front of my dad to me, I would just come back with some witty smartass remark. my dad would joke that he should stay out of my way....I might just hurt him. laughing.
one day he called and I was home alone. He asked if he could come over that night...I remember thinking I'm just kid, he was my dads friend who was I to say he couldn't. So I said yes and hung up the phone. I'm an idiot I know. It took me a couple minutes to realize he was intending to come over for me. So I asked my best friend to come over and spend the night...she couldn't. My next alternative was to call this boy I knew to sneak over and sit with me while everyone was asleep( he was 15 maybe). We layed in my bed listening to the radio, just talking, then there came a bag on my window. We both jumped up and he pressed himself up against the wall near my window. I pulled my curtain to the side and
opened my window to see him standing before me. He reached his hand around my waist and tried to pull me close to kiss me. I pulled away and told him he should leave, my parents were in the next room. He took a deep breath and left. (i didn't mention he was married with children) After he left, I just remember feeling releaved. I knew that night I had to take control of my self... no one would have me if I could help it. It would be on my terms. I lost my virginity at 12 that night to my would be protector. He was sweet and gentle, I couldn't have asked for a better person. Just better timing, one where it wasn't because I was afraid someone was going to take it from me. That wasn't the only time my fathers friend tried to come at me. one night while my father was drunk/passed out, I don't know for sure. I was in bed my door closed...asleep. He came into my room sat next to me on my bed and just stared at me. I was a light sleeper, I tried to pretend I was still sleeping. he stayed there for a moment, then got up and left. I turned over face down and waited...sure enough he came in again and sat next to me. rubbed his hand um and down my back, whispered in my ear that he wanted to go down on me and that I would enjoy it. He tried to put his hand down the back of my pants when I grabbed his arm from behind me and held it there. never speaking, my face burried in my pillow. he tried once to see my resolve but I wouldn't release his wrist until he removed it from my backside. Again he walked out. This time I grabbed something sharp off of my headboard and jumped out my window and over the brick wall. running several blocks down the street, trying to make my way to my friends house. Then I saw his car fly by on the road I was walking towards and heard the breaks screach to a halt, I whirled around and run in the other direction as fast as I could and ducked in a dark space at the corner house where the front door was inset and I could squeeze thru the bars. I saw his car go by then peeked around the corner to watch him drive off onto the main road. Then I hurried home, back thru my window, locked all the doors and windows and watched tv with a knife sitting in front of me the rest of the night. When everything finally came out...all my parents kept asking me was if I was sure this really happened. That I wasn't making it up. Because I could be ruining someones life if I was lying. I moved to Texas to live with my Aunt and Uncle after that, the rest of my family moved to florida. I went back to testify at his trial, but no one ever really sat down with me and told me the outcome. Moving in with my Aunt and uncle didn't seem like a big deal. My mom sent me off for what seemed like every few years as it was whenever she thought she'd had enough. I would then live with my grandparents for about
a year at a time. at least that's what it seemed like. Once I moved to texas, I thought everything was normal. I was in a lot of pain. I started cutting myself, stabbing myself with siscors, burning myself with irons... anything to numb the pain. I was never without a boyfriend. I rarely gave anyone control over me. I was very dominate, agressive, outgoing, sassy. I guess that's what drew people to me. I seemed overly confident. I was into sports, hanging out with friends....but I was dying inside. sex became a game, just as effective as cutting almost. as long as I was in control. At 16 things changed.... I was an idiot, some random guy came to my door when I was home alone for the weekend (supposed to stay at my friends house) so I was a flirt. He convinced me to hang out with him....I wasn't that naive despite popular belief. I convinced a girlfriend to come along with me. He drove us out to this place (his house) in the middle of nowhere. gave us alcohol to drink....I knew we were in a bad place and that it was wrong. So I did what I do best, I flirted... became the aggressor. The least I could was spare my friend. I turned him on just enough and convinced him we had to go home. But that I would see him again. He took us home. Called me like crazy so I told him I would meet him in my front of my house. I locked all the doors and told my friend who was babysitting down the street to come outside and call me as loud as she could so I would have an excuse to leave. When He arrived I told him I had locked myself out. Sorry but we couldn't go in. He said that was ok, he suggested we go and just in his car. I said I couldn't go anywhere and he said that was ok, we could just talk. once I got in the car, he started it up and took off. I asked him where we were going and he said we were just taking a drive. we didn't go far... just down the road to where they were building some houses and he parked. took a drink of something and asked if I wanted some and I said no thanks...just trying to play it cool. thinking in the back of my mind looking at the digital time on the dash board that I would never hear her call for me. He scooted his chair back, then leaned over me grabbing the lever on my seat until the seat went back. I nearly stood up in my seat asking him what he thought he was doing. He proceeded to climb over in front of me undoing his pants and grabbed me by the shoulders pushing me down. before i could do anything I felt the weight of his body on top of me and he was inside me, sliding right thru my shorts and panties. I tried to push him off but it was no use. So I just stared at the clock, and looked out the windows as they were fogging up. feeling numb.... all I could manage was to ask him to please not cum inside me. He pulled out and grabbed a towel/shirt? from the back and wiped himself off when he was done. I didn't say anything. He drove me home. I was numb....I went to get out of the car like nothing happened and he grabbed my arm and kissed me on the cheek. That night I cried....I walked to my friends house and just sat there on her bed. I called my boyfriend and didn't know what to say.....eventually I think I told him. He cried too and told his mom. the next thing I knew I was in the hospital doing a rap kit. People asking all sorts of questions I didn't know how to answer. My aunt and uncle eventually came and we all talked to my therapist. she convinced us all that I should check into a mental hospital to "process" everything that had happened. I didn't feel anything really. The other kids in the ward thought I was nuts. I could talk about
it and everything else like I was talking about
the weather. The Dr's eventually told my Aunt and Uncle that I had a Boderline personality and I was going to eventually explode....at least thats how I understood it at the time. Once my insurance ran out after 30 days they tried to convince my family to commit me to a state funded hospital for further treatment. Needless to say they declined. I was angry and wanted out. My grandparents and mom threatened to come get me if they wouldn't let me out. So I got out....I quit cutting myself for a long time after that. I just assumed I was fixed. More like I was drugged. I later found out after my Aunt went to refill my perscript
ion that my dr's were overdosing me on a regular basis even for an adult it was over the limit. 2000mg of something a couple times a day. I was a zombie. I OD'd on them at least once, slept forever it seemed. I'll spare you the rest. Once I sliced my wrist after an arguement with my uncle. I let it bleed for a while then called my bf to come get me. he dressed my wound then along with his parents drove me to the hospital. when my aunt and uncle got there they thanked them for bringing me to the hospital and dismissed them...I dont think my bf every really forgave them for that. My aunt cornered me in the bathroom and chewed me out for doing something so stupid, and making my uncle feel like he was to blame. Hmmmm...where to go from there. That was probably the most tramatic parts in my childhood, save druken nights with my step-father, walking him home from the bar stumbling all the way, or my mom blameing me for him being upset because I called him by his name rather than Dad. Because he wanted so much for me to be his. But as he put it... I was owned by a piece of paper, but my half brother wasn't....He would never be taken away from them. But he had no say as to where I lived. That was up to the rest of my family. There are other issues with my stepdad but I'll leave those out for now. As if my life couldn't have ended there. I mean how much worse could it get.... I was promiscuous I admit, It came easy. It made me feel like I had control over something. I married my boyfriend of after 4 and a half years. (never faithful) I was 20 and loved and trusted him more than anyone though. I always believed that anyone was capable of anything. There were very few people in this world I trusted. I could count them on 1 hand. But I trusted him.... Then when I was 24 my younger cousin came to visit for the summer. She was manipulative and immature. she was 14 I believe. She drew me in, asked to hang out with my husband and I constantly. Put me in the middle of her arguements with my aunt, I understood not wanting to be treated like a kid. I stood up for her, allowed for her to hang out with us a lot. She developed a crush on my husband. I saw it. But didn't think much of it. He knew all about
my past. It wasn't the kind of person he was. he didn't flirt with other girls, he was always respectful, never inappropriate at all. I went away for a weekend with work.... not much seemed different. except she was constantly all around him. after she left.... she was emailing constantly, saying things like she was thinking of running away, asked my husband if he and I broke up if he would still talk to her. After I found out he was keeping up with her by email, I advised him he should stop. It was only encouraging her to latch on to him. That she needed to go to her parents or to my aunt. It was inappropriate for him to be her shoulder to spill on. It stopped, at least I think so anyways. Then one summer right after our daughter was born, we were going to go visit my parents and pass thru my other aunt and uncle (her parents) then the bottom fell out from under me. She told her parents that she had sex with my husband. He vehemently denied it. My Aunt...the one I lived with tried to protect me. She went to my husband first without me present and asked him face to face. She believed him (at first) She also conceded that by my cousins actuations if it did happen it was consensual. I was broken...shattered....who was I to believe. My daughter was just born. Because of my past I could never tell another girl it didn't happen....But a part of me couldn't believe it either. I've begged, cried, fell apart trying to have him admit yes that it happened...so I would have closure. But he still denies it. My Aunt however went and talked to her and now believes her... and told me so (this was nearly 9 years ago). I was crushed. I can't blame him for something he didn't do, but I can't forgive him for something I'm not 100% sure of. She's a compulsive liar and I know that. But reguardless I can't dismiss her claims either. Instead I live in torment, repressing everything I can to function. If I let it take over I fall apart. I can't handle it. I can't forgive myself if it's true. I failed to protect her (***** that I think she is) If it were true....then I should have walked away...vowed I'd never let anyone near me that could do that to another human. I normally have good instincts, people just put off signals...Nothing seems right. My head has never been the same. I was never faithful....so when I caught him cheating on me 2 years later and he lied to my face about
it even when I had the truth wrapped in a neat bow in front of him, I knew then and there that he was capable of looking me in the eyes and lying. At that moment if I didn't already know...I knew it was at least possible. I know this is long winded but I had to get it off my chest. So now everyone can know how truely messed up I am. Lost and alone....Broken and can't be fixed.
Post Edited (Not2L8) : 4/26/2010 6:00:45 PM (GMT-6)