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Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/28/2010 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm just here.... Not even going thru the motions except when absolutely necessary. I've simply lied in bed for the last 3 days while my husband is at work and I drop the kids at school. My husband is freaked a bit. He was mad at me Monday because I clipped a mailbox with my passenger mirror and broke it taking the kids to school and didn't think to tell him. It's just there..it's just a car....I didn't break the mailbox . He asked about school last night, I told him I already took care of it...then he proceded to ask me if my instructors would drop me. After I told him no...he went on about how at another school I won't mention they can drop you for missing too many classes. I told him to stop talking about it...I handeled it already. (end conversation) Like everything else I do I take care of myself. I recognize when it's happening b4 it gets bad and try my best to put everything in order. Having to go crazy but yet be sane for everyone else is tireing.
Someone please talk to me....I'm listening

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 4/28/2010 12:24 PM (GMT -7)   
I am not bipolar, though I do take abilify and it has helped me, which is a bipolar med. I take it for a mood stabilizer. I just want you to know that I am here.

Have you tried getting out for a little walk? Even if it is only five minutes, it can help to clear your mind. I do meditation also. And that helps a lot. So that you know, even practicing it is doing it and is benificial.

I don't know if I am much help, but just wanted you to know that I do care. Hope to see you post more. I will check back in. I am usually not on this forum. But am checking it while Serafena is gone.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/28/2010 12:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I walked in the garden yesterday for about 10 min with my husband, when I started to cry I told him I was ready to go back in the house. I'm taking lamictal but am only up to 50mg for another week b4 I get to 100mg, Prozac, ambien cr, Xanax (too low a dose if u ask me)
I made the step to see both my pdoc and my therapist tomorrow, though I don't feel like going anywhere. I eat maybe once ...2x a day if I feel up to it, but generally could care less. I suppose laying here is better than the alternative. It still sucks...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 4/28/2010 1:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I am glad to see that you are going to see pdoc and therapist tomorrow. I see both too. But once every six weeks now. It is a far drive for me, so I don't go really often. And I can't see both on the same day because of insurance, but I am lucky to have that at all.

I love gardens. I hope to have one this summer. I bought some bean seeds that I want to plant. But have to have it tilled up first. I get big plans but don't always follow through.

I hope that your appointments go well for you. I would mention to the pdoc about some med adjustments. If you feel you need more xanax, you probably do. I take it too and it really helps with anxiety.

I hope that you have a good day. Keep posting. Know that we are all here for you. Visit depression anytime, I thought that I saw you post there before recently. You are always welcome.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/28/2010 5:07 PM (GMT -7)   
I did post in the depression forum....The idea of thinking of a perfect day appealed to me, and if I remember right, I think I told someone they were not alone, because that is what I would want to hear when I come here for guidence or understanding. I'm a natural when it comes to taking care of others. I have a gift for being able to talk to anyone.
As for everything else I can't explain. I hurt...... so badly that sometimes I can barely function. I know I have triggers, things that set me off easier than others. Talking about some of the things I've posted here are some of them. I generally try to avoid them, block them out because if I go there It feels like my world is crumbling. I can't forgive myself....I feel weak, selfish, alone, broken. There are people I care about that I hurt without them knowing I do. Then there are those that I care about that I simply feel abandoned by. The biggest difference right now from the past is that I've let it go on so long. generally I would have found some way to make the pain reach it's peak faster so that I could focus my attention elsewhere. (Some of you may know what I mean) Maybe I'm maturing, maybe hardly eating in the last week or so is doing the same thing. I don't drink a lot of soft drinks, tea or water mostly. As far as alcohol...only when we're out with friends on occasion. I have seen too many alcoholics in my family to go down that road. The Medication front is probably my biggest issue, it's really difficult not to over do it. I think about it constantly. Going to sleep for a really long time is very appealing, but I have others to think about. On the outside mostly I put on a great front. I have a hard time saying no to anything. I'm generally, athletic, artistic, outgoing, sexually charged, poetic, creative, open, a good listener. I'm the one that wears their heart on their sleeve and would give a stranger the shirt off their back....right now though I don't feel any of those things. I cycle through this every few months....sometimes feels worse or maybe just different. I keep waiting for the meds to kick in because I feel like thats what I'm supposed to do. THe last time I told my Pdoc that several of the meds I've been given in the past didn't work or the side effects were to great...he said my next alternative was hospitalization...Like it was nothing. Even though I think I've done a darn good job at not acting on the impulses that plaque me constantly. I don't know anymore. I must admit though...I've been contemplating the hospital since last spring I think. I'm losing my darn mind. Why won't it stop?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 4/28/2010 5:57 PM (GMT -7)   
I remember you posting on that thread. I started it thinking that it would be uplifting for some and I am happy to know that it was for you. You sound like such a special person. Always giving to others. Putting others before yourself. But you can only do that for so long. There comes a time you have to do for you. In order to be able to do for others as you enjoy. You need to give yourself a pat on the back and a hug. And know that you deserve that.

I don't know a lot about what you have been through. But I can see you struggling. Though you did say that it cycles around every few months. How long does it usually last? Can you make your way through it or do you feel you need help by hospitalization? I understand if you put yourself in for treatment, you have an oppertunity to leave when you wish. I mean to admit yourself. My mother was in the hospital a lot, so I remember and know what it is like. And I know it isn't easy. But it helps some and has changed a lot since I was young so it is probably a lot more bearable than it was back then. My mind is wandering now so bear with me. I get distracted easy sometimes. I take adderall, but it still happens. I am not add, but seem to get add moments. I think that it is from the fibromyalgia. Called fibrofog...

What do you usually do to get through these rough patches? Do you listen to music? Maybe longer walks with an ipod or something would help. I am into meditation, it helps me a lot. Especially when I need to sleep. Do you paint or draw? Any type of art is a nice distraction. Do you have any animals? They can be such a comfort when needed.

I have lost all concept of what I wanted to write. So I will end here. Keep posting and let me know how you are doing.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/28/2010 6:34 PM (GMT -7)   
As stupid as it sounds...I just suffer. Sometimes I cry a lot, wake in the middle of the night and lay in the bathtub feeling the cold against my skin falling apart as quiet as possible....all the while temptation pulling at me. Fighting myself not to give in. When I'm feeling passionate I sculpt, write, flirt more intensely or have sex (please don't think ill of me) Sometimes it lasts a few days, sometimes weeks. Just depends how long it takes to peak. My worst episode as an adult in my opinion was when I became so stressed with school and home, I couldn't sleep no matter what I did. No matter what I took. My head pounded so badly that I took a shower by nightlight at 3AM and just cried and cried from the pain. I ended up going to the emergency room and they gave me some IV with several medications until the pounding subsided. they prescribed the same pain meds for me to take at home for a short time. I think that was last spring...I don't remember for certain.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/28/2010 8:50 PM (GMT -7)   

I'm a sufferer too.  :)  My cycles had gotten pretty fast so I'd ride it out - spend a couple days in bed.

I forgot to take my meds for a couple days last week and fell into a depression.  3 days down and 2 days coming back up and trying to function and recover.  I still need a full day or 2 to myself to really get over it.

I think our SO's and spouses don't have ANY idea how physically tiring an episode it.  I takes several days to recover AFTER the meds kick in.

That's why I hope you can take a couple days to yourself.  Go to a hotel or something.  It's WAY cheaper than a hospital.  You can't heal when you are so constantly bombarded.  You need a chance to breathe.  Then recover.  Then heal.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/29/2010 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
my husband would never allow me to go like that. Not without the guilt trip of the world on my shoulders.

Cateyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 4/29/2010 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I know this may seem a little odd but what has helped me sum is the tanning bed there is something to this light theraphy.  When I start back slidding I drag myself to the tanning bed and feel much better afterwards.  I think it's the light

Bi-polar, Adhd, Anxiety disorder, PTSD with a child with ADHD BIPOLAR Anxiety


Cateyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 4/29/2010 7:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Also if your getting this bad there is electro shock theraphy. It got a bad rep years ago but it's not the same as it was do some research on it but considere it because it has helped many with bipolar with no side effects before going into long term treatment away from your family I would look into it. I know being bipolar is hard I suffer from it as well as both my boys so it's a constant cycle one of us gets better then the next goes down. What is normal we have never experienced it at all we just get thru the next day the best we can and we are there for eachother with lots of love and reassurance. I know your feeling lost but just try to imagine there are people that have it so much worse and remember your not alone. Keep your head up and remain healthy without any attempts to hurt yourself. Remember back to a time you were on top of the world it will come again. This is just a cycle, a bad one but a cycle.
Bi-polar, Adhd, Anxiety disorder, PTSD with a child with ADHD BIPOLAR Anxiety


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/29/2010 10:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Every post, it sounds like your relationship is SO unhealthy for you.  Couples counseling??
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/29/2010 3:13 PM (GMT -7)   
First....I have considered shock therapy. I've been reading up on it, wondering if nothing else worked if maybe that would be enough to send my body to it's peak stress out. IDK yet. I'm not afraid of it...but maybe I should be. As far as the issues with my SO, I don't know for sure about that either. I can't imagine anyone else possibly loving me more, (we've been together since I was 16) believe it or not though, as sad as it is... I've had more than my share of outside experiences. I am able to recognize that he has some control issues (given my history I almost understand the jealousy) and that some of my biggest triggers are associated with him. If I can block them out though we're okay. I know I know I shouldn't have to block things out, I have to face them. But one thing at a time. Once I get my head on straight I'm hoping I'll be able to sort that out. I've told myself that if he ever gave me a reason I would leave but the time I busted him cheating(8yrs ago), I just figured he kinda owed me. I was never an angel...even if he didn't know how much of a devil I was. I just can't be the one to blame....I'm a wimp, I know. Give me some time, I'm still trying to figure all this crap out. I Love Him...Thats all that I know for sure.
Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD

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