Not going well

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tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/30/2010 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't know if I am heading into an episode or if I'm still not recovered from missing my meds last week.
 
I feel like a failure.  I can't think of anything I've done well or done right in the last week.  I feel like there is no place for me in life - I feel that I have failed in everything and that there are no options left.
 
I dread my SO coming home.  I can't imagine that he could feel anything towards me except disappointment, frustration, and anger.  I am embarassed, frustrated and livid at myself for not being able to do the simplest things.  I am angry that I'm not even halfway done with a to-do list from 4 days ago.  I hate who I am right now.
 
I am ANGRY that I can't talk to him.  He has made it very clear that he has no sympathy, no empathy, and is irritated by crying.  If I think, I cry.  If I move, I cry.  I sit like a statue when he is home, not moving, not thinking, holding my breath and trying not to cry.  The moment he steps out the door, I fall apart crying.
 
I have no patience for my son.  I dread him waking up in the morning.  I have no energy to do anything for or with him.  I hate hearing him ask, "What's wrong with momma?"
 
I sleep on the couch so I can cry alone.  I sleep alone because I can't even sleep next to my SO without waking him up at night, causing him to be tired the next day.  I can't live right, I can't sleep right.  I can't work.  I can't stay in school.  I can't be trusted to remember my meds.  I can't run simple errands.  I can't cook dinner and keep the house clean.  I've run out of things I can do and now I have nothing left except to wait until I die.
 
cry


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Post Edited (tortoise11) : 4/30/2010 7:48:17 AM (GMT-6)


Bundle
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 4/30/2010 7:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow tortoise, hang in there!  You might not like what I'm about to say, but I gotta say it-what you wrote about is almost identical to how I felt for years before my therapist helped me to see that I had been in an emotionally abusive marriage.  And I did not  want to agree with him.  Took a while for me to realize it.  Because I was so convinced that everything was on me.  And it wasn't.  I hope you are talking to a professional.  Please do if you're not.  I have so been there, and I will worry about you.
Bundle


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/30/2010 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Oh - It's not that at all.  My SO is wonderful.  He is patient and gentle.  He steps in and takes care of my son when I can't.  He does eveything he can to support me.  But he is a stoic type.  Claims he doesn't have feelings.  rolleyes
 
If I didn't love him and value him so much, I wouldn't care about disappointing him.  sad   When I can't do anything right, I feel that no one could love me.  I can't love myself - how could someone else love me?  Do you know what I mean?
 
 


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Post Edited (tortoise11) : 4/30/2010 8:42:04 AM (GMT-6)


Bundle
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 4/30/2010 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm glad your SO is there for you. Is it true you've missed some meds? You know better than that! I tried to wean myself off a couple of times and got to where you are once, and manic the other. I hope you're feeling better.
Bundle


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 4/30/2010 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry to hear your down tortise, that sucks big time. I sometimes forget my meds, then remember at 12 midnight when im all snug in bed, so up i get, walk down to the kitchen and take them. Way i figure it buys me another day of sanity.

Like i have said before i have let go of alot of the things in life that used to be so imortant to me and amnow concentrating on just a few, core things. If the dishes get done great, if not, tommrow is another day. I work on keeping healthy and sane so i can continue to be a good husband and father. Thats about it. I now enjoy when i get the time and energy to work on a project, but i dont let the project consume me.

Hope you get to feeling better soon. I just got back from 2 hours on the bike in the hills and feel tired but great. Now i am going o ride to work at the firehouse and do a night shift so thats another 45 minites of riding ahead of me. Tommrrow i am taking big Puppy for another visit to the creek and will enjoy the look on his face as he enjoys the simple thing of playing in water. I'll tell you animals have a lot to teach us if we only pay attention.

Bill

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 4/30/2010 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for the kind words. I'm starting to come 'round. I hope it isn't temporary. :\
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 4/30/2010 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sure that this IS temporary Tortoise11. I use a pill box. It has sections in it for every day of the week. That way I know that I took my meds. If I don't, I will forget. The only bad part is filling it up on Saturday nights. I take ten different things and it is a 30 minute job. I wont notice it until I go to take my last xanax at night, then I realize that I have to do it.

I hope that you feel better soon, you know we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 4/30/2010 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
All I can tell you is that you're not alone....
Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/1/2010 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
I feel like crap today.  My knees feel weak (a sure sign of an oncoming anxiety attack), I'm exhausted.  I just want to sleep, but I'm making myself stay up and do stuff with my rabbits, updating the rabbit blog etc.
 
SO is not being particularly understanding.  sad   He's having a "just snap out of it" day.  I wish I could.
 
I forgot my med this morning, but remembered it early afternoon and took it then.  D*mn I am messed up right now.  sad
 
To top it off, I gained 10 lbs and have been trying to slowly lose weight.  Then I just stopped eating, so frustrated and feeling awful.  I gained 3 pounds from not eating?!  WTH?!  Wow - almost makes me want dinner..  NOT!  mad
 
I just want to sleep.
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/1/2010 3:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Today feels awful.....I'm sorry, I know how you're feeling. The days just sort of blend together, the world is going on around you but you feel more like an absent-minded spectator than really there. Ok maybe I'm just describing me...lol. (not really funny) I don't really now what to say about you're SO, ignore him for now and focus on taking one moment at a time.
"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." ~Jonathan Kozel

I'm here....
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/1/2010 9:23 PM (GMT -7)   

Deleted.

 

 



Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/1/2010 9:59 PM (GMT -7)   
torroise...be kind to yourself...have some compassion that you have a nasty mood disorder that sometimes gets its grip on you. You are not "bad" for not wanting to do anything....you are depressed. It will pass. You need to make sure you always take your meds. Missing meds could be contributing to your problem. I have been there and I know how it can feel never ending, but it always does end and you swing up. Hang in there.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 

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