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Not2L8
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Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/2/2010 9:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok... I know that I'm still new to all this, I'm having to look back at my life and try to identify which moods were what? The Depression is the easy part, I suffer from that more than anything. It's the mania I'm trying to pin point. Oh how I would rather be in that state....though I realize now that those episodes are more self destructive because I don't fight to reason them and when I come off of them I spiral out of control into depression. Thats when I fight...just to keep breathing. Some times are harder than others...... Here's where I'm LOST.... I have a loving but at times very insecure husband who sometimes tends to smother me. ( I think it's because he's always afraid of losing me to someone else or maybe just come to my senses jk lol ) He has some great qualities taking care of me is one of them, loving me is the other, However he has a problem finishing anything he starts and I often feel like I have 3 children instead of 2. He has a bad habit of over extending himself therefore over extending me in the process to help him keep up or take up the slack. My BIGGEST problem I'm realizing is that he triggers my PTSD...when I'm blocking it out, it's not an issue, it's the moments that creep in, pass quickly thru my mind no matter how in significant that tare me to pieces. I can't forgive what I Don't know (read "all I can say" to understand) I cease to function and fall apart. There have been other triggers that have brought it to the forefront in the last several months, like my aunt (the one I lived with from 12-20 and think of as my other mother) allowing my cousins (the one who claims to have had consensual sex with my husband at 14) younger sister now 20 or so to move in with them without so much as a word to me that it was coming. (we only live a few miles away and are over there often. We're very close.) I didn't find out till my uncle was leaving to the airport to go get her. I cried....She (my aunt) tried to reason that it had nothing to do with me. I left the house and drove off. My aunt then called me and I went off, I've never yelled at her before but I lost it. I asked her what the hell she was thinking. The very least she could do was give me some warning, let me prepare myself. I asked her if she was trying to destroy me...because she had no idea what she was about to do. I knew what was coming inside, The fight with myself that would insue. She defended her decision but I think said she was sorry if it hurt me...I was so out of my mind I don't remember everything. I found out later when I called around that everyone in my family knew, my mom, my grandparents...(all of which I've lived with for 2 years or more growing up) and no told me. I felt betrayed by everyone. My mom's excuse was that she wasn't for sure it was going to happen, the excuse my mom gave for my grandmother not telling me was she was afraid I would be mad at her. My Aunt (as great as she can be) is sometimes too logical and thinks everything should be cut and dry. To her it wasn't the sister so therefore it wasn't her fault, and It would be wrong of me to hold anything against her and foolish to have her presence affect me. (UGH SCREAM) This is the same cousin who last time she visited tried her darndest to get me to talk with her sister, tried to play peace maker and push us together. Said she didn't know if it was true. (her sister is gay now by the way) On daughters birthday she handed me a phone and I almost took it. Then asked who it was and she said it was her sister and she wanted to talk to me..... I looked at her and walked away. I had to keep moving forward. This was years ago, but her moving here was just last year. As I suspected it only lasted a few months. trouble from the get go. disrespectful, cruel, she has her own set of issues and trys to suck everyone else in in the process to feel sorry for things she creates. I believe for years she as well as her sister want the relationship that I have with my family. She held me responsible for my aunt not allowing her sister to move here, and be with her. although no one ever asked me and I knew nothing about it. (would I have said no....darn right) I will put anything aside to help someone else that I can't stand but there are lines even I know I'm not strong enough to endure. I'm at least greatful that my aunt made the proper decession there on my behalf. I couldn't understand I've lived here for 22 years, even when My aunt (their mother passed away, I didn't go to the funeral, not because I didn't want to or didn't love her completely but out of respect for the rest of the family. It was the place to put such reminders of the past in the forefront. BUt why do they insist on coming to where I live, and invading my life. They envy the relationship that I have with my grandparents, mother, aunt and uncle. They wish they could take my place. They've said as much. The problem is.... They are not me. I care too much for my family to ever do them harm or disrespect them for my own personal gain. I would protect them till the day i die.... And those two sisters will never measure up. Don't get me wrong... I forced myself to try for a relationship with my cousin, told her that I didn't hate her, I realized she was not apart of what may have happened between her sister and my husband. But she was is in so many ways like her sister. manipulative, lying constantlly, that's why she was here to begin with. she was in too much trouble at home and her father and new wife couldn't make things work with her. She took it out on everyone like they owed her something, instead of just being part of a family, and accepting the love that comes with it.
I'll have to finish this later my husband is calling for my time elsewhere. I'll finish this thought soon. Feedback would be nice.... I know I'm rambling on, I just have a million thoughts coming thru my head right now.
Thanks for reading
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 5/2/2010 11:48 AM (GMT -7)   

 

  Ok, i've read thru most of your posts, and they are hard reading. Not just for the subject matter but for the fact you dont break up the story into paragraphs. I'm not being *****y its just you have so much written down into such a condensed format it becomes hard to follow. And you are pouring out your heart and asking for advice so i'm guessing that you will get more responses if you put some breaks in your story.

  One thing you didnt mention, how long have you and your hubby been married, and how long has it been since he last had sex with his cousin?  Maybe you are being super senstive or maybe you are picking up on something and not really realizing it.

   As for your hubby being a pain in the butt., well on this site you will find that everyone here has a SO that is a pain in the butt. Every relationship is filled with comprimises, some can be helped and some cant. I myself am  dealing with some issues now and we have been married for 10 years. So there is always something that will drive you crazy. THe important thing  is to figure out how to work around it. Can you get your SO to stop the behavior or can you get to a point that the behavior no longer bothers you? 

  Ok, will wait for you to post more.

   Bill 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 5/2/2010 12:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Your post is hard to read as one paragraph. I had trouble with it myself. And it is really long. Which makes it harder. But I had the same thing with my cousin. And I was in a relationship with the guy at the time. I ended up breaking up with the guy and my cousin and I haven't spoken since. And this was 24 years ago. I have no regrets, and I have forgotten about it and moved on. Sometimes you just have to move on to newer things. Take life one day at a time and deal with the present.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/2/2010 1:45 PM (GMT -7)   
 
It is AMAZING and will teach you how to deal with being overextended by your husband and how to deal with your family.  It changed my life.
 
I used to have MAJOR issues with my sister.  She would say the most awful things - usually provoked by her callous, tactless, excessively blunt, and rude husband.  Things like my SO is "femmie"  etc, etc.  (OMG, nothing further from the truth!)  Anyway, after reading the book, I learned how to deal with it and it has stopped completely.  Our conversations are limited to our kids, cooking/being a homemaker, and occasionally self-sufficient lifestyle.  What a relief!
 
If I can find my copy of it, I will send it to you.
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/2/2010 3:47 PM (GMT -7)   
My apologies for rambling...there are just so many things going thru my head. When it hits I just write, not think...if that makes sense. The thing with my husband and (My) cousin was 10 or 11 years ago. I still don't know for sure if it happened, just that I'm stuck in limbo. Trying to figure out still how to really go on, not just pretend everything is fine.
When everything came out...or at least the accusations I had just had our daughter. I did I suppose what was best for us at the time. Now I don't know if anything is right.
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 5/2/2010 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   

 

  Its ok that you ramble, you obvisously have  alot on your mind and getting it out is whats important. As for your hubby and the stuff from the past, i've had to learn myself that the past is the past and can only hurt you if you give it the power to do so. Now that said, am i always successful, NO. But because i try i believe i am more successfull than not for having tried than if i hadn't at all.  

  To give you an idea i recently went thru what you were going thru. My wife had an affair on me after she found out about my affairs. For about 2-3 weeks it bugged me alot. But you know what? The brain has the ability to cope with stressfull things and allows us to "let it go" after a while. I have since moved on and havnt looked back. So you can get over this and move on.

  It does sound like you have a lot on your plate. Keep posting and we will try to help you sort thru some of it. Hopefully you are seeing a therapast because that helps a whole lot.

   Bill 

 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 5/2/2010 8:37 PM (GMT -7)   
I too hope that you are seeing a therapist. And yes, leave the past where it should be. In the past. Take life one day at a time and live in the moment. Not with your mind on the past, or worrying about the future. This makes life a lot easier. For you and everybody else around you...

Best wishes my friend,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/2/2010 11:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I get that I'm messed up.... I have been going to therapy regularly for the last year or so, and off and on before that. It wasn't until recently that all the pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. My ups, my downs, My in betweens that are just days I'm able to function.
IF it were merely an affair I could forgive that. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I felt I deserved it. I was pulling away for months b4 it happened. Our daughter was 2.
It wasn't the same thing. It was the possibility that my early 20 something husband was accused of having sex with my 14 yr old cousin. (though admittedly consensual if it happened) The man I've known since I was 16 years old. who I believed in more than anyone in this world could be the same monster in my nightmares. I've lived with sexual abuse my whole life....but somehow went on....ok I had a few years of self mutilation from 12-17 and a few set backs in my early 20's. But I survived.
Our daughter had just been born not even a month old I think, when my cousin said all of this. I knew she was starving for attention, confused and infatuated with my husband. Even going so far as to ask him if he would still talk to her if he and I ever broke up.
HE swore that it never happened and to know the type of guy he is... it's a hard thing to fathom. But I can't dismiss the claim, instead I live in limbo. I promised myself I would never do to another girl what happened to me. So I can't completely dismiss it. reguardless of what I think I think of her. IF IT WERE TRUE I CAN'T FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT SEEING IT FIRST, SECOND I CAN'T FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT MAKING A DECISION ONE OR THE OTHER. Because if I admit to myself it were true then how could I have ever stayed......(I KNOW MY DAUGHTER WAS JUST BORN, I WAS 25) my aunt tried to tell me today that I did what was right for me in that moment. I just feel like if I block it out, I'm ok....but when it creeps in, I'm done for. It torments me to no end.

There are just things in this world that can not be forgiven. I don't know how to hold on to hate, but when you don't know for sure what you're supposed to let go of or forgive how do you move on. It tares me up inside because I know it's at least possible, and it were true, I should have been strong enough to leave a long time ago. Instead I chose the easy way...tucked it away in the recesses of my mind to torture for the future. SICK AND DEMENTED
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/3/2010 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   

nono  

PTSD is not a life sentence.  You do not have to live in the past.  You are NOT a victim!  You are not "messed up."  You are experiencing a typical human response to chronic trauma. You are strong and resilient person; your life has given you strength and character and made you the beautiful person that you are today.

You cannot blame yourself.  It is what it is.  You did the best you could with the abilities and knowledge you had at the time.

To forgive is NOT the same as to let it go.  It does NOT mean that "it is OK."  It does NOT mean that you are not hurt.  You don't even have to talk to the person or tell them you forgive them.  It is something completely inside of your - in your mind.

Baby steps here...

Your husband

Your cousin

Your aunt

Your daughter

YOURSELF - (always hard)

Who is easiet to forgive?  Your daughter?  Do you in any way feel that your daughter during pregnancy and birth restricted you from sex, left your husband unsatisfied?  Any suppressed, lingering resentment?  (of course you love her!  but mixed, suppressed feeling are totally possible) 

For 2 years, I wrongly blamed my son for the end of a long (and good) manic episode and the beginning of a depressive episode.  When I began to understand what this BP thing is, I was able to forgive him and move on..

I have some material from a small group I led for people with hopelessly broken lives.  One of the exercises was to write down EVERYONE who had wronged you.  It was broken up over 3 weeks so it wasn't overwhelming.  It was absolutely eye-opening for all of us how much we hung onto - especially from childhood.  Write it down, clear your mind, get it OUT!

If you want any materials or exercises, email me.  Topics were trust, love, forgiveness, healing, vulnerability, etc.



Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/3/2010 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm learning...new things every day. My Daughters easy, I've never blamed her for anything. I had thought that my childhood was in the past, that I had let go of the trauma and that it didn't affect me anymore. Recently I've discovered that wasn't the case.
Also that the issue with my husband triggers my most intense feelings about what happened to me. I've been battling that fight within myself for 10 years. I do love him, but I also blame him for at the very least allowing the opportunity for an accusation to be made that was plausible. For taking away part of my family my other Aunt and Uncle who I loved very much. My family and I are very close. I've lived long periods of time with almost all of them as parents or siblings. I am the oldest grandchild but the youngest child if you can understand that. (My mother had me at 17)
I'm angry at my mother...as much as I love her and I know she loves me and we have a good relationship now, there are huge chunks of my childhood that she can't bring herself to admit I think. She often refers to how she raised me, or that she believes my school counselors put things in my head that weren't necessarily true. When all the bad things that happened before I was 12...I don't remember her ever being there. My therapist thinks it's possible that I'm blocking some things out to protect myself but that just frightens me even more, considering what I do remember. Maybe it's the feeling of abandonment, That for as long as I can remember I have had to take care of myself. Apparently I did a crapty job. But it was the best I could do 6-12.
It wasn't until recently that we've started to see what my mania was....Excessive shopping, overpowering sex drive, taking on everything, never being able to say no. At my strongest moments I was confident, aggressive, I frequently tested my male friends to deem their worthiness. Trust.... Could I trust them not to hurt me, to accept limits. If they couldn't pass they didn't exist in my world for long. i also felt that sex made me feel whole when I felt empty. Made me feel I was wanted, worthy of love.
Even after I got married I wanted sex all the time. When I couldn't sleep I would wake him in the middle of the night to make love, to make my head stop reeling. To feel like I was wanted. But soon, I started getting excuses...I'm tired...I don't feel good, I have a headache... I felt like he was the girl in the relationship. How could he possibly turn me down. I felt rejected....regularly. Then I got tired of trying. I didn't care about sex anymore. That went on for about 2 years. Then someone made me feel alive again, and it woke me up. Shook me to my core. I wasn't sure about anything after that. I realized I had been only half of who I was. That there was so much I held back. So many feelings unresolved. I blame myself for so much. I'm the one person I can't give a free pass to. I feel like I should have made better choices, been stronger. Less broken.
I don't know how i've survived or why. Often the fight seems futile. The one thing I KNOW I'm good at is LOVE. Despite everything I Love those who have hurt me the most. At least the ones that matter. I've put aside my personal feelings so that we can have relationships. Although that may be part of the cause of my own personal torment. Always putting others before myself.
I know...I know I'm not a victim, I've been told that all my life. So I try not to act like one. But it's all an act......I hurt so deeply, So completely, I don;t know that I can ever be fixed. My stupid pdoc has said as much.

I'M BROKEN.......I'M BROKEN.....I'M BROKEN and I'm just figuring that out.
I've spent the last two weeks in bed nearly every day.
I've taken baby steps....But everyone I'm trying.....................
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/3/2010 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   

I completely identify with the stuff with your mother.  Except it was my dad.  They FINALLY came to terms with something is actually wrong with me.  I don't think they really understood how bad it was until I got stable.

Now that they've accepted it, it's like that resentment is totally gone.  What a relief.  I mean, what kind of person doesn't love their parents?  blush  Now I don't necessarily have to talk to them.  They did their reading online, so they have a pretty good idea of what BP is.  So if they ask how I am, I can just say "not good" and send my son to stay with them for a few days.

Keep writing.  The more you write, the less scattered and depressed your posts sound.  yeah   I'll shut up and take my unsolicited advice elsewhere.  LOL   tongue


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Bundle
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 5/4/2010 7:06 AM (GMT -7)   
There's a song by Anna Nalick that I like and it has a great line in it that I try to remember--
"If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to"
keep writing!
Bundle


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/4/2010 7:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I love that song.  So soothing.

Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 5/4/2010 8:21 AM (GMT -7)   

 

  ANd that song is Breathe (2 AM)  See im a big softie also.

   You do sound better the more you post, BTW. Forgiveness is essessintal in life, otherwise we could never have any friends or loves that last pass the first dissaggreement. Did you husband let you down? Yep, will he do so again, absolutly. Its goint ot happen, he is human, just like you and me and everyone on this board. Forgivness is what allowed my wife and i to not only survive the affaris i had, but to come thru them on the other side stronger and better. Now forgiveness does not mean forget. In staying in this relationship i have to be completely open with my wife, she can read my emails any time she wants, check my cell phone, and i dont mind if she checks up on me from time to time. I broke the trust, BP or not, i still did it. So its on me to help reestablish the trust anyway i can.

  I have seen what carrying hate in your heart can do to you.My father (who was 49 when he had me) had a large family of brothers and sisters who i never really met but once or twice in my  life because he was still mad at them years later. Even on his death bed he refused to reach out and let his heart rest at ease. Our parents teach us much, sometimes the lesson is how not to live life.

  You said you are messed up, well at least you are in good company around here, we are all messed up to some degree or another. Heck its the human condition to be slightly to severly messed up. But that isnt a death sentence, you just learn to work around the parts of your life that give you problems. Don't be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, however thats how we grow.

     Bill

  

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