Ok, i've read thru most of your posts, and they are hard reading. Not just for the subject matter but for the fact you dont break up the story into paragraphs. I'm not being *****y its just you have so much written down into such a condensed format it becomes hard to follow. And you are pouring out your heart and asking for advice so i'm guessing that you will get more responses if you put some breaks in your story.
One thing you didnt mention, how long have you and your hubby been married, and how long has it been since he last had sex with his cousin? Maybe you are being super senstive or maybe you are picking up on something and not really realizing it.
As for your hubby being a pain in the butt., well on this site you will find that everyone here has a SO that is a pain in the butt. Every relationship is filled with comprimises, some can be helped and some cant. I myself am dealing with some issues now and we have been married for 10 years. So there is always something that will drive you crazy. THe important thing is to figure out how to work around it. Can you get your SO to stop the behavior or can you get to a point that the behavior no longer bothers you?
Ok, will wait for you to post more.
Its ok that you ramble, you obvisously have alot on your mind and getting it out is whats important. As for your hubby and the stuff from the past, i've had to learn myself that the past is the past and can only hurt you if you give it the power to do so. Now that said, am i always successful, NO. But because i try i believe i am more successfull than not for having tried than if i hadn't at all.
To give you an idea i recently went thru what you were going thru. My wife had an affair on me after she found out about my affairs. For about 2-3 weeks it bugged me alot. But you know what? The brain has the ability to cope with stressfull things and allows us to "let it go" after a while. I have since moved on and havnt looked back. So you can get over this and move on.
It does sound like you have a lot on your plate. Keep posting and we will try to help you sort thru some of it. Hopefully you are seeing a therapast because that helps a whole lot.
PTSD is not a life sentence. You do not have to live in the past. You are NOT a victim! You are not "messed up." You are experiencing a typical human response to chronic trauma. You are strong and resilient person; your life has given you strength and character and made you the beautiful person that you are today.
You cannot blame yourself. It is what it is. You did the best you could with the abilities and knowledge you had at the time.
To forgive is NOT the same as to let it go. It does NOT mean that "it is OK." It does NOT mean that you are not hurt. You don't even have to talk to the person or tell them you forgive them. It is something completely inside of your - in your mind.
Baby steps here...
YOURSELF - (always hard)
Who is easiet to forgive? Your daughter? Do you in any way feel that your daughter during pregnancy and birth restricted you from sex, left your husband unsatisfied? Any suppressed, lingering resentment? (of course you love her! but mixed, suppressed feeling are totally possible)
For 2 years, I wrongly blamed my son for the end of a long (and good) manic episode and the beginning of a depressive episode. When I began to understand what this BP thing is, I was able to forgive him and move on..
I have some material from a small group I led for people with hopelessly broken lives. One of the exercises was to write down EVERYONE who had wronged you. It was broken up over 3 weeks so it wasn't overwhelming. It was absolutely eye-opening for all of us how much we hung onto - especially from childhood. Write it down, clear your mind, get it OUT!
If you want any materials or exercises, email me. Topics were trust, love, forgiveness, healing, vulnerability, etc.
I completely identify with the stuff with your mother. Except it was my dad. They FINALLY came to terms with something is actually wrong with me. I don't think they really understood how bad it was until I got stable.
Now that they've accepted it, it's like that resentment is totally gone. What a relief. I mean, what kind of person doesn't love their parents? Now I don't necessarily have to talk to them. They did their reading online, so they have a pretty good idea of what BP is. So if they ask how I am, I can just say "not good" and send my son to stay with them for a few days.
Keep writing. The more you write, the less scattered and depressed your posts sound. I'll shut up and take my unsolicited advice elsewhere. LOL
ANd that song is Breathe (2 AM) See im a big softie also.
You do sound better the more you post, BTW. Forgiveness is essessintal in life, otherwise we could never have any friends or loves that last pass the first dissaggreement. Did you husband let you down? Yep, will he do so again, absolutly. Its goint ot happen, he is human, just like you and me and everyone on this board. Forgivness is what allowed my wife and i to not only survive the affaris i had, but to come thru them on the other side stronger and better. Now forgiveness does not mean forget. In staying in this relationship i have to be completely open with my wife, she can read my emails any time she wants, check my cell phone, and i dont mind if she checks up on me from time to time. I broke the trust, BP or not, i still did it. So its on me to help reestablish the trust anyway i can.
I have seen what carrying hate in your heart can do to you.My father (who was 49 when he had me) had a large family of brothers and sisters who i never really met but once or twice in my life because he was still mad at them years later. Even on his death bed he refused to reach out and let his heart rest at ease. Our parents teach us much, sometimes the lesson is how not to live life.
You said you are messed up, well at least you are in good company around here, we are all messed up to some degree or another. Heck its the human condition to be slightly to severly messed up. But that isnt a death sentence, you just learn to work around the parts of your life that give you problems. Don't be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, however thats how we grow.