Something is wrong. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm having BP issues that are causing this. Or if this is causing BP issues. Or if it is not BP issues.
I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about my relationship. I don't have words to describe how wonderful my SO is. Truly the kindest man I have ever met. I am one amazingly lucky woman to be with him.
I don't know. Things just have been "slipping" lately. I can't be bothered to style my hair. I haven't had energy or motivation to cook. (Even when I'm having an otherwise fantastic day). I sleep on the couch more often than not. Sex is infrequent (but still amazing when it happens.)
SO is a light sleeper and I wake him up. So if I sleep in bed, I feel guilty in the morning because I know he hasn't slept well. And if I sleep on the couch, I feel guilty for being a bad gf. I feel terrible when he leaves for work and I'm still half-asleep.
I've been upset and all over the place for a couple weeks. If I talk about it, he calls it whining (his #1 pet peeve) and if I don't talk about it, I cry (his #1.5 pet peeve).
I am 100% sure I am not living up to his expectations and I don't even know what they are. There are so many things that he *says* he doesn't care about, but his actions say otherwise. Like having dinner ready when he is home from work. He says he doesn't mind, that it doesn't have to be "fancy." But lately, I can see his frustration with pizza, burgers, sandwiches, and with having to fix dinner himself.
He makes comments about my son, from he's too whiny, cries too much, I give him too much freedom, etc, etc, but if I ask he tells me I'm a good parent. Just not good enough, apparently.
I've been trying to escape. I've been getting more involved with my rabbits (right up there on his major irritations, next to whining and crying). I think it would be nice to move back into my house (not an option, it is leased) where I don't have to deal with anyone's expectations. Where I can cry when I need to, be close to my friends for support. But I don't *really* want that.
I'm getting really lonely here. It's a REALLY SMALL town, and I'm used to a larger city. There are NO mom's groups here. Nothing. When I take my son to the playground, there aren't any other kids there. No group daycares. No playgroups. There is a library storytime, but there are only about 5 families that show up and none of them are particularly friendly. My human interaction consists of my frustrated, disappointed SO, my son and the cashier at the post office. I miss my friends. My son misses his friends.
There are very few work opportunities, and when there are some it is for waitressing or bartending, which I am totally unqualified for. Never mind that I've lost every job I've had because of BP.
So that leaves me almost completely financially dependent on my SO. I do appreciate his support, but at the same time it is scary and leaves me stressed out. I'm ALWAYS thinking "Am I earning my keep?" I can't tell you how much of a burden this is.
Even when I'm having a good day, it takes most of my energy just to stay awake during the day. I am running out of motivation. I can't do the things I want to do. I am always exhausted. I feel guilty for being tired. I feel guilty for not keeping the house clean like I used to. I feel terrible every time I don't make dinner, or I don't make a good dinner.
I feel guilty for this post, even though it is completely anonymous. I KNOW I am overreacting. I worry that I'm making SO sound like "the bad guy" - nothing further from the truth!
I feel like I can't do anything right. My best is not good enough. I am overwhelmed with guilt. Is this causing BP issues? Or are BP issues causing this feeling? I don't know. I do know that I am fighting. I am trying (unsuccessfully) to "keep my head above water." I feel like I am drowning. I feel like something awful is going to happen. And I feel like that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
FYI - this has been getting worse over 6 weeks. 6 weeks ago, I was getting stressed out and feeling like I needed "a vacation." SO didn't get it and his body language (my interpretation) was "you stay home and get a vacation every day. what is so stressful about your life?!" The stress built until I was overwhelmed and forgot my medication. Then I started a mood swing that lasted like 2 weeks? Then I had caffiene one day and had an intense mood swing. Then I was fine, but with all this stuff going on too. So I'm not hormonal, this has been going on since before a moodswing and indirectly caused one. So I'm thinking it is NOT a BP thing, but all these issues are causing BP symptoms.
And that sucks because that would mean medication can't fix it. :( SO isn't one to talk about feelings and I feel like he thinks I am silly and weak. Not sure what he thinks, but that is my interpretation of silence. I just DON'T KNOW what he thinks. He doesn't tell me and I'm left to guess. Of course that is colored by what I am feeling and I always seem to assume the worst. Which makes him seem like a jerk when he isn't and causes me to overreact.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I hold it together?
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder