Something is wrong

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tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/6/2010 1:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Something is wrong.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I'm having BP issues that are causing this.  Or if this is causing BP issues.  Or if it is not BP issues.
 
I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about my relationship.  I don't have words to describe how wonderful my SO is.  Truly the kindest man I have ever met.  I am one amazingly lucky woman to be with him.
 
I don't know.  Things just have been "slipping" lately.  I can't be bothered to style my hair.  I haven't had energy or motivation to cook.  (Even when I'm having an otherwise fantastic day).  I sleep on the couch more often than not.  Sex is infrequent (but still amazing when it happens.) 
 
SO is a light sleeper and I wake him up.  So if I sleep in bed, I feel guilty in the morning because I know he hasn't slept well.  And if I sleep on the couch, I feel guilty for being a bad gf.  I feel terrible when he leaves for work and I'm still half-asleep.
 
I've been upset and all over the place for a couple weeks.  If I talk about it, he calls it whining (his #1 pet peeve) and if I don't talk about it, I cry (his #1.5 pet peeve). 
 
I am 100% sure I am not living up to his expectations and I don't even know what they are.  There are so many things that he *says* he doesn't care about, but his actions say otherwise.  Like having dinner ready when he is home from work.  He says he doesn't mind, that it doesn't have to be "fancy."  But lately, I can see his frustration with pizza, burgers, sandwiches, and with having to fix dinner himself.
 
He makes comments about my son, from he's too whiny, cries too much, I give him too much freedom, etc, etc, but if I ask he tells me I'm a good parent.  Just not good enough, apparently.
 
I've been trying to escape.  I've been getting more involved with my rabbits (right up there on his major irritations, next to whining and crying).  I think it would be nice to move back into my house (not an option, it is leased) where I don't have to deal with anyone's expectations.  Where I can cry when I need to, be close to my friends for support.  But I don't *really* want that.
 
I'm getting really lonely here.  It's a REALLY SMALL town, and I'm used to a larger city.  There are NO mom's groups here.  Nothing.  When I take my son to the playground, there aren't any other kids there.  No group daycares.  No playgroups.  There is a library storytime, but there are only about 5 families that show up and none of them are particularly friendly.  My human interaction consists of my frustrated, disappointed SO, my son and the cashier at the post office.  I miss my friends.  My son misses his friends.
 
There are very few work opportunities, and when there are some it is for waitressing or bartending, which I am totally unqualified for.  Never mind that I've lost every job I've had because of BP.
 
So that leaves me almost completely financially dependent on my SO.  I do appreciate his support, but at the same time it is scary and leaves me stressed out.  I'm ALWAYS thinking "Am I earning my keep?"  I can't tell you how much of a burden this is.
 
Even when I'm having a good day, it takes most of my energy just to stay awake during the day.  I am running out of motivation.  I can't do the things I want to do.  I am always exhausted.  I feel guilty for being tired.  I feel guilty for not keeping the house clean like I used to.  I feel terrible every time I don't make dinner, or I don't make a good dinner.
 
I feel guilty for this post, even though it is completely anonymous.  I KNOW I am overreacting.  I worry that I'm making SO sound like "the bad guy" - nothing further from the truth! 
 
I feel like I can't do anything right.  My best is not good enough.  I am overwhelmed with guilt.  Is this causing BP issues?  Or are BP issues causing this feeling?  I don't know.  I do know that I am fighting.  I am trying (unsuccessfully) to "keep my head above water."  I feel like I am drowning.  I feel like something awful is going to happen.  And I feel like that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 
 
FYI - this has been getting worse over 6 weeks.  6 weeks ago, I was getting stressed out and feeling like I needed "a vacation."  SO didn't get it and his body language (my interpretation) was "you stay home and get a vacation every day.  what is so stressful about your life?!"  The stress built until I was overwhelmed and forgot my medication.  Then I started a mood swing that lasted like 2 weeks?  Then I had caffiene one day and had an intense mood swing.  Then I was fine, but with all this stuff going on too.  So I'm not hormonal, this has been going on since before a moodswing and indirectly caused one.  So I'm thinking it is NOT a BP thing, but all these issues are causing BP symptoms. 
 
And that sucks because that would mean medication can't fix it.  :(  SO isn't one to talk about feelings and I feel like he thinks I am silly and weak.  Not sure what he thinks, but that is my interpretation of silence.  I just DON'T KNOW what he thinks.  He doesn't tell me and I'm left to guess.  Of course that is colored by what I am feeling and I always seem to assume the worst.  Which makes him seem like a jerk when he isn't and causes me to overreact.
 
What is wrong with me?  Why can't I hold it together?  cry
 
 
 
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 5/6/2010 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   
It truly sounds like depression is rearing it's ugly head, like you are in a low. I think you are over thinking it though. And you are blaming yourself for everything.

Try to take this one day at a time. If he isn't complaining about the cooking, then let it go. Let yourself rest for a few days. Tell him you are going to do this and why. And do it. Pamper yourself a little bit. Do something nice for you. You need this. Practice some meditation and try to stay in the moment instead of wondering are you doing enough. Believe me, if you allow yourself a break, you are going to feel better. If you don't, you are going to feel like you are playing catch up all the time. Wondering if you are doing enough and stressing yourself out so that you are even more tired.

Do you see a counselor? Have you ever discussed this with them while you are feeling it? Sometimes you just have to have a break from life. Especially when suffering from depression or bipolar. Life is just especially hard for us. And we need that break, or else we are going to crash and burn.

I hope that this helps in some small way. Know that you are a good person. And I am sure that you are doing enough, just not enough for you. I am lucky, my husband loves to cook. So I don't cook that much, though I have been doing moreso lately. But there was a time when I couldnt' cook at all. And before that, I use to get up at 3:30 am to fix my first husband's breakfast and lunch for work. I did that for many years. Then after he passed away, I was sleeping until afternoon. But we just have to do what we can. I will probably never be able to do what I use to do, being I have fibromyalgia and depression. But I am happy with what I am able to do and I take it one day at a time, live in the moment. Not worry about what I can't do. It might be harder for you in your relationship.

Another thing you might be suffering from is chronic fatigue. You might want to discuss with your doctor and let him/her know that you aren't feeling up to par. You could be lacking a vitamin. I take vitamin D3 and that helps me to feel good. Along with many anti depressants and pain medications plus adderall. Enough about me. I hope that you feel better soon.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/6/2010 2:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I know I'm super-sensitive to sugar. It is vicious stuff. My SO thinks I'm absolutely silly and irrational. How do I explain that sugar sets off mood swings, binge eating, etc. He doesn't understand.

I did have one caffiene-free Diet Coke last night. I don't know what that would affect me anymore than a Sprite. Something about fizzy drinks is really calming.  :shrug:
 
My eating habits are entirely thrown off in the last year.  When I was just starting to date my SO, I don't think I would eat anything "processed."  I might eat a green pepper for breakfast.  rolleyes   I was getting pretty close to a raw fruit/veggie diet.  Meat maybe one a week.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

Post Edited (tortoise11) : 5/6/2010 4:00:53 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 5/6/2010 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Did you ever read the book called Sugar Blues? Check it out if you get a chance. Sugar causes all kinds of problems.

I am glad that you are trying to eat right, it really makes a difference in how we feel.

I read your other post and I am worried about you making decisions right now. Try not to act too hastily.(sp). I don't think that you are in as bad as a spot as you think you are. I think that everything can be okay. Try to relax.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/6/2010 5:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Issues are still there, but I'm doing better now. I love and hate rapid cycling. I laid down for a while and then was suddenly like "hey! I'm OK!" Not happy, but the sick/sore feeling, the overwhelmed feeling, and the COMPLETE lack of motivation are gone.

It's not good. It's just less-bad enough that I can suck it up for a couple hours.
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 5/6/2010 7:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Sorry to hear your down, wait, no up, no down, wait up again. LOL LOL LOL Really you sound just like me, the world closing in, my wife is a mean old lady, everything you have described i go thru also. And it sucks big time, i agree. However when i am on the up i love deeper and harder than anything i can imiagine. SO i concentrate on the good side to get me thru the sad time. I know its my mind being silly, and i dont really want to change my meds so i suffer thru these times and get thru to the other, better side.

I do hope you feel better soon. You are not alone.

Bill
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