Don't let me do something stupid

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tortoise11
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   Posted 5/6/2010 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I want to pack a bag and give my SO an ultimatum:  Talk to me honestly, don't hold back your feelings, and tell me your expectations - or I have to leave.  I can't deal with this on top of everything else.  (See my other thread  from today).
 
I have got to be completely insane.  He is absolutely the most wonderful man I could ever imagine being with.  He is so good to my son. 
 
In reality, if I did leave, I'd be homeless or crashing with my parents (NOT good), unemployed, having to magically and instantly sell my rabbits sad   and one of my dogs.  And my car is in the shop right now, so I'm temporarily stuck anyway.
 
I could be throwing my life away.  But am I throwing my life away slowly now by staying here?
 
I don't understand.  He loves me for me.  But if I stopped doing the things that annoy him, there isn't any "me" left.  So he loves to be annoyed?  No.  He loves what he thinks I could be?  He loves hypomanic super-me that is permanently (as long as on medication) gone?
 
Thinking about leaving makes me feel calm inside.  Thinking about trying to explain this mess in my mind to him makes me feel scared, confused, stuttering, and embarrassed.  This has all been boiling up for too long.  The **** is going to hit the fan.  Soon.  And I can't stop it.  It's like when? and how? and which one of us is going to be the first to say something?
 
I am so sad, my heart hurts, and I feel sick and sore all over.
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 5/6/2010 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   
What makes you feel that everything is going to hit the fan? I probably missed something in a post. But does it have to come to that? Can you take it one day at a time and see what happens? Are you expecting too much out of yourself? I wonder if you are in anticipation of something happening because you are use to turmoil. Is that the case? I am just throwing things out there to see more clearly.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/6/2010 4:43 PM (GMT -7)   
If I have to get thru this day by day so do you!!!!!
You are stronger than you think you are. This place can not hold you. You are loved and sometimes that may be all that sustains you, but it can be enough if you let it. Breathe... Take a few days to yourself if you can. Sit outside, watch a storm roll in if you ever get the chance. it's a beautiful sight when you take it in. Peace
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/7/2010 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
smhair  Tortise...
I have often wanted to pack up and leave because I was crawling the walls and unable to keep it going to my husband's standards.  He too liked me best when I was hypomanic which would come and go.  With depression, he left me alone.  I always felt  (and still do after 40 years) feel he does not love the "real"me  Actually I am not sure who the real me is anymore.  If I left now, like you, I would lose a lot, including my horse.  When you are BP, our options dwindle because we are dependent on our SO, which that alone is unnerving.  Paking up and leaving is a decision you are making when in a mood swing, and NEVER should a decision be made then.  Youneed to think clearly when you make a big decision likr that and right now you are not in the right frame of mind.  Last winter I tried to run away...had my medicine, bags packed, etc and after work, I didn't go home,,,,just kept driving.  My youngest son,  who is a firefighter/paramedic in the township where we live, contacted the sheiff's office, told the cops to start lookin for me because I was a risk to myself and the police finally located me and took me kicking and screaming back home.  Anyway...When I ran, I was very depressed.  Within a couple days my mood swung up and I was all happy to be home.  I guess that is what I hate most about being BP...I cannot trust myself to make a decision in my best interests and I hate that feeling.  I am afraid to make a decision, only to change my mind the next day.  I hear your frustration and sadness.  This will pass. Don't run...you have too much to lose.  Maybe you can call your doc and he can tweak your medicine.  (I also hate the idea I have to "tweak" meds to stay on track).  Can you go away for a day or two...go to a hotel and just be away from everything and everyone?  But are you "safe" to go off by yourself?  Because you sound pretty strung out.  Keep us posted
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/7/2010 6:14 AM (GMT -7)   

I'm in my right mind this morning.  SO and I talked a bit last night.  I am right in interpreting that he is unhappy with the ways things have been in the last 6 weeks.  He said, "I don't know how much I can take."  That was hard to hear.  :(  I'm going to see if I can get in with the psych nurse practitioner today.

I have to get going - post more later.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/7/2010 2:12 PM (GMT -7)   

I start a higher dose of Lamictal today.  I'm nervous with my relationship being on the rocks.  But motivated to do better.

I just don't know how.  Really.  If it happens again... 

What would you do?  Bill?  Help me out here.  I mean - I'm suddenly over it and all.  But I intellectually know that he isn't going to be just over it.

And how do you repair a relationship?  How to build trust?  And how do I make sure that this isn't a temporary thing? 


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 5/7/2010 3:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Try not to assume the worst. Talk to him about it and let him know that you have had a med increase and hope to feel better soon. That these things take time.

Who knows, maybe he will get over it. And everything will be okay. Repairing a relationship begins with trust. And you have to earn it. It takes time. There is no quick fix to all this. And you don't know that this is or is not temporary. You have to have faith and keep trying. Take each day as it comes and do the best that you can. I know that I am not Bill, I hope that you don't mind that I chimed in.

I hope that everything works out for you. Just try to take this one day at a time and stay in the moment. Try not to worry so much about things that you can't control and try to relax. Stress isn't going to help anything. You are a good person and you need to know that, and treat yourself that way.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/9/2010 12:51 PM (GMT -7)   

I've noticed a little bit of change that makes me smile.  In the last day or so, we've both felt more free to say "It bothers me when you...."  (leave damp towels on the floor, leave dishes in the sink...  that sort of thing.)  All in good humor.  I try to remember what he has said so I don't do them too often. 

I don't expect big talks about "feelings" like I think my SO is afraid that I want.  I just need more open communication - a way to air out problems before they grow!

I think he might be "over it" faster than me.  He has been in the mood for sex and I have not.  I guess I'm dwelling on the past a little too much, but to think that we were both thinking our relationship was getting onto thin ice scares me.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 5/9/2010 1:09 PM (GMT -7)   
It is scarey when your relationship comes close to being over. But it isn't. So that is a good thing. It sounds pretty solid right now. Especially because you two have opened up some to eachother. I hope that this continues for you.

Do the things you do really bother him, or is he just joking? Talking about wet towels and dirty dishes? Because you could easily remedy that. Just by picking up after yourself. That is easy enough.

Knowing that your relationship is on thin ice can get scarey. But take it one day at a time. Living in the moment is so important. That is the only way that you can move forward with your life. If you dwell on the past, you miss too much of the present. You are not mentally and emotionally here. Your SO can sense that too. And could be wondering if you really care or take this seriously. People don't realize what dwelling on the past does to us. Stay in the moment. Keep trying.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/9/2010 1:33 PM (GMT -7)   

I guess it is low-level annoyances.  It was humorous because we each had about the same number.  And the way we were explaining each one to each other.  It wasn't like we were just sitting there complaining to each other.  We were cleaning the kitchen and pointing out the things as we saw them.

I'm guilty of tossing damp towels down the laundry chute, or forgetting them on the floor.  He's guilty of leaving the wet shower curtain pushed to the side so it can't dry out.  He leaves the dishes in the sink, but I procrastinate about washing the dishes.  I leave the freezer door open too long when I'm poking around trying to plan meals...  but in less than 10 minutes after that he grabbed something out of the fridge and didn't quite close the door all the way so it was slowly opening.  :lol:

Little stuff we can laugh about and try to remember to do it differently.  Funny to see the different little things that we care about.

One of things that is stopping me right now is I get tired really easy.  Just from living on the couch for a couple weeks and not being active.  It's hard to get back to normal.  So I am active for a little while and then sit down for a break and check in here.  :)


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 5/9/2010 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
That is how I am all of the time. I get terrible fatigue from the fibromyalgia. I guess that is why I can understand being tired. It is cute the way you explained how you two complain to eachother. In time you learn to over look things instead of wanting to change eachother. My husband leaves the shower matt on the floor of the tub and never closes the curtains when he is done. So I am use to it. And he leaves dirty dishes in the sink too. Puts everything to soak and I hate standing water. But I am use to it, and that is a part of who he is, so I love him anyway. As I am sure you do yours.

I hope that you have a good evening. You sound better. I am happy for that. Like I say, I understand the fatigue. I have it all the time. Always worrying that I don't do a lot. Then I get a burst of energy and get a lot done all at once. I wish it were on an even level all of the time.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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