My wife and I have been together for over 10 years. about 4 years ago she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and placed on a fairly high dose of lamicitil. It worked wonders and saved our marriage. Prior to the diagnosis I had been through a hellish year during which the person I loved had undergone a complete personality change. Her temper had been volatile and she fell into bouts of deep, dark depression. She began to drink excessively and she smoked marijuana. She became secretive and prone to lies. She spent our money recklessly and verbally abused me at the slightest provocation. Often, afterwards, she would claim to have no recollection of the things she said to me. For a year we were completely emotionally alienated from each other and I experienced incredible stress and loneliness because, out of a combination of denial and loyalty to her, I never told anyone about what was happening. She finally agreed to go to psychologist and, with treatment, she was quickly back to her old self and we became very close again. We had our first child two years ago and that brought us even closer.
Last year she had a miscarriage and more recently the particularly traumatic experience of having to terminate a pregnancy due to foetal abnormalities. I was devastated too but I didn't help things by becoming very emotionally withdrawn afterward. She feels I did not support her in her time of grief and she is right. I wanted to forget the experience right away and she wanted me to grieve with her. I should have and I wish I did but I was dealing with it in my way.
Since then, she has returned to drinking, depression and rage. As this behaviour progressed, I felt that her BPD was a factor and told her as much. This infuriated her and only made her behaviour worse. I only realised recently that I could have been more supportive. I appologised but she seems to hate me now. She isn't herself at all and but she feels that I see everything she does in light of her BPD when really she is just coping with a huge tragedy with little support from me.
The problem that seems to have arisen now is that she is, in a way, resenting me for the BPD diagnosis, because I was the one who did all the research and finally urged her to seek help. I can't help but feel that, no matter how wrong my behaviour has been or how devastating this loss was to us, she needs to acknowledge that she does suffer from BPD and that she is showing all of the signs again ("I wish someone would kill me", "I hope I die"). If anything I say makes her feel bad in any way she is apt to scream that she has lost babies and all I do is make her feel bad about herself. Then she doesn't speak to me for days and is actively hostile. She says I bully her, treat her like a patient and a freak. Every single time I take exception to anything she does (usually drinking, or lying about drinking), she recites that same mantra. My strategy is now to walk on eggshells all the time, just let her be, not to criticise, not to disagree with her about anything and avoid fights at all costs. She is going to a new psychologist soon and we are going to go for therapy together but I still feel helpless. The fact that I dealt with this in the wrong way is now the only issue on the table for her. All of her behaviour is now justified because of my emotional withdrawal and no mention of her problem is tolerated. She also makes no effort to learn about her condition at all. Maybe I deserve this for now but I am so worried about her! I feel I can no longer help her because she will no longer trust me to help.