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searching4peace
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 5/10/2010 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone,

I have been married for 3 years to my best friend in the world. We have been having problems on and off throughout our entire relationship, but lately has been at it's worst, and I believe my husband has bipolar disorder.

When we first started dating, he told me that he had "manic depression," but became offended if I called it bipolar disorder, because he does not recognize the two as the same disorder. I think it also has to do with pride, and I have many times pointed out how common bp is, and how it does not make anyone a bad person if they have it, any more than having asthma would make someone a bad person, know what I mean?

Anyway, he will not seek counseling, not even marriage counseling to save our marriage. If I cry, then I am crazy/delusional/picking a fight/too sensitive/unsupportive, etc. If I try to talk to him, I am "attacking" him, or trying to pick a fight. I do not get a hug or an apology when I am upset. I get in trouble, (for lack of a better way to explain), if I show my emotions, or try to talk anything out. I will get a mumbled "I'm sorry too" when I break down, and apologize, just so he will get out of bed, and interact with me. Otherwise, it has been 2 years since he has admitted to having any part in our arguments. In his eyes, it is all me. This is all textbook emotional abuse, I know that. But, I know in my heart that he does not mean to be this way, and furthermore, he is not always like this. I've noticed that he has cycles. So, I am back to the bp, seeing if there is something I can do. Taking any medications, besides pot, and painkillers for back pain, is completely out of the question. He is against medication. He doesn't think he has a problem, we have an infant son, and I am at my wits end with trying to keep things afloat and working in our marriage.

Here is an example from today:

He's been gone working,, gone all day long. (Yes I am 120 percent sure this is what he is doing - not cheating.) As much as I miss him, and get stressed out taking care of my son alone all day, I understand that this is what he needs to do so we can earn money. I help him as much as I can, sometimes I will even go with him, and take care of the baby while helping him work.
Today, he was laying in bed with our son, playing, and since we haven't been able to spend very much time together, I came over to them to have some family time. My husband immediately stopped playing, and started groaning in annoyance a couple of times. My son started to whine, and when I asked my husband why he wasn't playing with us, he said it was because I came in, and now our son is being whiny. So, I quietly left the room, since the groaning and other behavior made it obvious that I was not wanted. That hurt my feelings, because I miss my husband, and I miss spending time together as a family. So, my husband played with our son a little longer, than said he was going to leave to go on a hike in the woods. I asked him if we could spend some time together first becuase I've been missing him, and he started yelling that I wasn't being supportive of him, or appreciative, that I always wanted to start a fight, etc. He would not stop yelling, and I started to cry, which for whatever reason seems to infuriate my husband. Because i started crying, he stomped off into our bedroom, and laid in bed to pout. He does this often, and will lay there until I break down, and tell him that I was wrong and apologize. He has laid in that bed pouting for 2 days straight before, while I took care of my son, walking on eggshells, not sure what to expect. I decided recently that I could not just sweep everything like that under the carpet, and allow my son to see such things going on. So, I went into the bedroom, and (in a normal, calm voice - I do not yell.)told my husband if he was going to do that, I would appreciate it if he just went on his hike, because I could not take the tension right now, and I didn't want my son to be in that situation either. While he was getting ready, I said that I supported his decisions, that I didn't expect him not to go on the hike, I just wanted a few mintues of his time. He didn't really let me get all of that out, he just started yelling again, and this was making my son cry, so I asked my husband to leave. He said he didn't know if he was coming back, took all of our money, our only working cell phone, I have no drivers license, and he took the car.

Does this sound like he might be bipolar/manic depressive? I don't know what to do...I don't want to give up on our marriage, but I can not live like this anymore, espeically when I have my son to think of.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 5/10/2010 3:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Searching4peace,

Your husband is definately suffering from some emotional issues. Be it bipolar or depression, I am not sure. But I can imagine how hard it is for you to deal with.

In the bipolar resources, there is help for spouses of people with bipolar. You will probably want to check them out. I can not diagnose, but if he said he use to be manic depressive, he probably still is. Is he seeing a doctor over this? Is he going to any counseling? I would highly recommend both.

I hope that he gets some help. And I hope that things get easier for you too. I am not bipolar, at least not diagnosed with it, but I do have depression. Hopefully somebody who knows more about this will post for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


searching4peace
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 5/10/2010 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello,
Thank you for your reply, and especially for not telling me to give up on my husband. So far, that is mostly what I get when I seek advice, and that is the last thing I will do. I took vows, for better or for worse, and I love my husband with all of my heart. He is a good person, he just has some issues, and everyone on this earth has issues of some sort. The happiness of our little family has been being greatly affected lately, and I am just looking for ways to keep our family from being destroyed, whether that be by me learning how to cope with these moods, or learning how to help him cope with his moods.

My husband does not believe he has a problem. He will not seek counseling, and he will not take medication. He rarely sees the doctor for anything, and when he does, he just rants about how they don't know what they are doing, they are just paid to push pills, etc. I agree that many doctors give out pills for everything way too easily, however I also realize that some people do need medications, for various reasons.

Thank you again for taking the time to read my post, and offer your insight. It is much appreciated.

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/10/2010 5:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey there.  I completely identify with you.  I am bipolar, and was in an abusive marriage with a bipolar.
 
Of course you know that you can't fix him.  Many BP people have to hit rock bottom - even several times - before they will accept help.
 
For your own safety, and for your child's, you MUST get a driver's license (unless health problems prevent it).  You need an escape route!  A BP person not in treatment can become enraged and dangerous!  For years, I had duplicates of my driver's license and important documents, my own bank account with money I stashed away even a dollar at a time.  I kept changes of clothes for me and my son in my car.
 
Once you have made plans so that you and your child are physically safe,  
 
You are enabling him at this point and it is not helping either of you.  His moods are HIS problem, not yours.  Appeasing him only enables him to be in denial.  You must make it perfectly clear that YOU are not going to stop living your life because he feels bad.
 
Do you have social support?  church group?  a close friend or two?  If not, get them.  Playgroups.  La Leche League.  Moms Clubs.  MOPS.  There MUST be something for you.  Consider counseling for yourself - you are going through a lot!
 
Next time he pouts in bed, go say to him calmly something like,  "I'm sorry you don't feel well,  [son] and I are going to the park and then the library.  See you later.  I love you!"  And leave without waiting for a response.
 
It puts the ball in his court.  His feelings are his responsibility!  You are not able to solve this for him!
 
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 5/10/2010 5:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Tortoise11,

I have been trying to help on the forum. But I am not bipolar, so there is a lot that I don't understand. But from what I have read, it seems that bipolar people don't want to take medications and also you mentioned that they get enraged (when manic?). Is this so with all bipolar people? My sister is bipolar and she gets angry very easily.

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. But I take abilify for compulsive thinking, though I have noticed it is a good mood stabilizer for me, because I use to get angry at times too. I wondered if I was bipolar as the abilify has helped me so much and I thought that it was a bipolar medication.

If you have time, give me some insight. And you wrote a wonderful post to searching4peace. I did not realize the danger of what she was dealing with. I hope that she isn't in any danger.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


searching4peace
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 5/10/2010 5:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for the replies. This is all incredibly helpful to me. I do not see him ever getting physically violent; however I do know it can happen, since my sister is bipolar, and I have seen her become this way. Thank you for pointing out that I was enabling him. I can see how I do this, and hopefully changing that part of myself can help steer the situation towards a healthier path. I do notice that our lives revolve around how HE feels; he even threw a tantrum the day our son was born, because he was tired. This caused the nurses to take my baby away from me for 5 hours, because they figured I needed a nap as well. I didn't want one though, I wanted to bond with my baby. Not having a drivers license does make it very difficult to not let my life revolve around what he feels like doing/not doing. I do plan on getting one very soon. I am able to drive well, I have had my permit 4 or 5 times, I just never have been able to take that last small step - they make it so difficult where I live...your car has to be in perfect working order, and it seems my vehicles always have something minor wrong (no horn, etc.).

I have "support" in the form of online communities, but other than that, I have moved far away from my friends and family. The friends I do have, are all people my husband hung around before I was with him. Not that they aren't good friends, I just can't talk to them about these things. It's so weird to me, when we first started dating, he told me he was manic depressive, and that he hoped that I could stick with him through it. Now, he says he never said that, and I'm crazy. I do have my own emotional issues (I was in foster care for 6 years), and so he chalks all of our problems up to my issues, or that I must be close to having my menstrual cycle, because I'm "hormonal". I have been working through my issues for years, talking about them, learning more and more about myself all the time. I wish he could do this...but he thinks he is perfectly fine, and has no issues, and never has. He has told me stories from his childhood, and I have met his family, and there are so many things that I know he just keeps inside...Ugh. I just want him to feel better.

Thanks again.

horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/10/2010 11:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Searxhing4peace...One thing I would suggest is if he won't go to marriage counseling (I am a marriage counselor) find a marriage counselor who is very familiar with mood disorders and go yourself to learn more effective ways to deal with him, It is so hard because no matter what you say or do, you are wrong.  He is emotionally abusing you...yty hard not to interalize it or else your self-esteem and spunk will suffer.  Some of his anger might stem from what is called an agitated depression, where the person is easily set off.  Maybe you can get him to the family doctor (you go along) who maybe can prescribe something.  Even if you can make a "deal" with you husband to just try meds for two months and if there is no improvement he can taper off.  You definitely need help.  You cannot go one like that.  I commend your efforts to be patient and accepting of his probllems.  But you need some outside help to deal with his moods.  Good luck and take care.

Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 

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