5 days of sanity

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Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/11/2010 4:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm still breathing...5 days have gone by, not all without a few tears but (not life ending free thinking). I see the talk therapist again today. I spent Mother's day with family and friends and was able to actually hold conversations without breaking down. Though it was easier as long as everyone else around acted as though nothing had been going on the last three weeks.
A lot has come to light in the last week, life altering choices to be made. But all in good time. I've gotten some good advice from friends. The easy thing to say is to suck it up, but pretending I was okay with everything the last 10-12 years has apparently not been working for me. destroying me slowly. I've been told I need to compartmentalize everything. To separate the events of my past with those that though feel connected are really not.
It's just a matter of what I can live with and am I really living or just going through the motions for others. I've often asked myself over the last several years if this is what it's supposed to be like. The way I'm going to feel the rest of my life and if I'm okay with that. I know that I'm NOT. Can I heal....I have no Idea. In the deepest parts of my mind, I realize that I'm strong, otherwise I wouldn't have made it as long as I have, as long as I've been self destructing.
I'm planning a trip alone with the kids to Florida for a month or two...time to think, time to breathe, time to figure out a plan on how to move forward one way or the other. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I don't crash again.... It's far too painful. I hope all is well with everyone else. I'm thinking of you.
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 5/11/2010 5:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy that you had a few good days. Moving forward is good. And I hope that you enjoy your vacation with the kids. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/11/2010 9:45 AM (GMT -7)   

I'm happy for you!  I hope your vacation is fun and restful.  When I got the hospital bill, SO was like "You could have gone on a heck of a vacation for that much money!"  :-)

If I ever get messed up like that I am going on vacation baby!

You are so strong!  I'm a little jealous.  (((hug)))


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/11/2010 11:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Don't be too jealous...It's not entirely a vacation. I'll have both my children and we'll be staying with my mother for most of the time and then probably go down further and stay with my grandparents. Lol... Not that they all don't love me, but family too can be stressful, I've talked a little about mine. I am hoping to find a little of myself though. Make some decesions about my life and my future I'm not well enough to make yet. My husband is scared I won't come back. Told me he had a nightmare last night that I started dating someone else while I was away. He's afraid he'll lose me....says he wants to be the husband I've begged him to be for years. To forgive him the torture he put my mind thru for so long. I haven't thought it all thru. I need to learn to separate the pain inside and put them in their right place. I don't know yet how to do that. Right now I just want to breathe...to feel safe...loved....not alone.
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/11/2010 12:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Not2L8,
 
I think you should be extremely proud of yourself. It is so difficult just managing through each day a lot of the time being bp. I think you are really accepting what you are going through and doing all you can to heal. I know for the first few years of my diagnosis I completely let the illness take me over (not saying that's what you did :-) ) ....I hadn't learned the coping skills to manage my illness. Once I found a support group and attended the program until it was done,  It helped me to not to just let the illness have total control over my life and made me realize that some of this was actually in my hands.
 
I think getting away is the best thing you can do for yourself too. I know family will be there, but it's still getting away :-) I really wish I could do that....
 
Anyway, so glad to hear about your recent days. Enjoy it :-)
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 6 mg/day, Lexapro 10 mg/day  & Lamictal 400 mg/day.


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/11/2010 12:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you....I've only been recently diagnosed BP, b4 it was thought to be major depression moderate because I still had the ability to function and signs of PTSD. The boaderline came from my month long stay in the hospital after I was raped. I felt forever that everything was within my control and if I wasn't weak I wouldn't let it consume me. When the BP diagnosis came 6 weeks ago it was like everything made sense...allowed me to let go of my Internal fight, I was so tired. It was almost a relief as bad as that sounds. It ment maybe it wasn't all my fault. It had good and bad ramifications.
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 5/11/2010 8:16 PM (GMT -7)   
I to am glad you got a few days to collect yourself, and those are 5 days that no one can ever take away from you. Do you have a long road ahead of you? Yep, you do. But here is the thing your mind will heal, as will your heart. We all heal to one degree or another and so will you. WIll your life go back to the same old thing, same friends, husband, life???? I dont know, that is your decision to make when the time comes. Getting away is probally a good thing, you need time to heal, to think, to plan. Yes i know you will have the kids but honestly they are a blessing, a bit of work but still your little babies. LOL LOL LOL

GOod luck and keep us informend.

Bill
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