Looking for a safe place

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horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/12/2010 12:32 AM (GMT -7)   
I am furious at myself.  I was feeling very depressed,  barely able to work.  It was the down cycle to the BP and it goes kind of the same old, same old.  The thing (and I should  know better) I go to my husband for help and support and he only gets mad at me which knocks my depression down a couple notches.  He is NOT a safe person to go to when I feel depressed but some perverse thing inside of me, keeps trying to connect with him and the fact is, he is not a safe person to go to.  So why the heck do I keep trying to connect?  Why do I bring myself down further by trying to talk to him?  I keep hoping for a different outcome.  My kids are adults (23 and 34), but I do not want to burden them....over the years they have been exposed enough to my craziness.  My psych iis no longer safe to talk to, because my husband goes to my appointments with me, and he and the pysch talk like I am not there.  I have no friends because I am too on again off again to be a true firend.
 
 All I have is my clients (I am a counselor) BUT those are one-sided relationships where I know all the details of their lives and help them sort out their lives, BUT it is unethical for me to self-diclose anything about me, so they really don't have a clue who I really am.  That sometimes makes me sad because I meet clients I really like and if it were possible I would want more than a professional relationship with.
 
I feel like I have no safe haven.  My horse offers some comfort, but hardly makes the grade as a real person.  One thing for sure I have to break this unhealthy cycle with my husband.  When I feel desperate I am drawn to him like a magnet and it ends in disaster.  Where, oh, where do I find a safe person to go to when depression weighs down on me?  I am very sad and alone.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/12/2010 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   

horsecrazy,

I could not possibly relate to you more!!! Unfortunately a lot of times, my bf has not been the safe person to go to. Once we found out about my Mom having cancer, right away that weekend he was so there for me. But once it was about a week in and my depression was getting worse, all of the sudden he seems mad at me all the time again.

And that's what happens for us when I am depressed. He is mad at me for it and we get into all kinds of fights. For awhile there things were great, but since I had to stop the antidepressants and with all that is going on, the depression is back and so is our old pattern.....

I totally understand you going back and back to him for support when you know it could very well end badly for you. I do the same thing. Why? Because we've lived together for 5 years! He is there with me everyday! If I lived with one of my friends, well then they would be the person I would turn to the most.  But our spouses are in our lives every single day; they see the illness and so we figure they will get it? I think we turn to them too, because isn't it supposed to be in sickness and in health no matter what? He is the one person that loves me in that special way so I just feel like the empathy should come naturally?

Anyway, rambling.....I didn't like that part about your therapist. Is there any way you could request individual sessions, stressing the fact that the current sessions are to no benefit for you????

You are not totally alone. You have us here; I know it's not the same, but still, I am thinking of you and please know I truly know what you are going through ((((Hugs))))


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 6 mg/day, Lexapro 10 mg/day  & Lamictal 400 mg/day.


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/12/2010 8:48 AM (GMT -7)   

Mogli...

Thank you for your reply. We and our SO certainly do sound alike.  I don't think my husband will ever change and I need to stop for my own mental health to stop going to him hoping the outcome will be different.  I am trying to track down an old therapist who was very good for me years ago, except he might be retired.  If he is I am kicking my husband out of my sessions with my doc.  I honestly don't think they realize how much they have excluded me.  My issues never get addressed.  Sigh!!! Trying to decide whether to cancel my clients today...I am not in much of a "counselor" mode.  Think I need to crash for a day.  Hope all goes well for you. Keep me posted.

 


Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


Cheryl1018
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2003
Total Posts : 267
   Posted 5/12/2010 9:34 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry that your hubby is not helpful. Mine was making me worse at first but the thought of losing me I think kicked him into gear. I made sure he understands BP, my meds, and told him that its okay to call my doctor if he has questions or worries.

As for who to go to for comfort and support - are you a member of a place of worship? They don't need to even know about the BP but it would be a place to go and see kind people. I'm glad you have your horse to hug. My dogs sure have gotten me thru the rough times. My greyhound is a therapy dog, so his job is to take care of people and he seems to know it.

Thank goodness we have sites like these where we aren't judged and can get our feelings out.
Complete Hysterectomy 1991 due to Endo
BP/IBD
Migraines - bad ones!! Ow.
Save a life - adopt a shelter dog!!
 


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/12/2010 4:08 PM (GMT -7)   
domplete Hysterectomy...
There are times my husband gets with the program espeically if I go for a second opinion. keeps telling me that all he wants is for me to be "normal" so he can live out the rest of his years in peace.

You know, about a year I was thinking church might be good for me and somehow I let that idea slip away, but I think you may be right and will start looking into it.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


Cheryl1018
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2003
Total Posts : 267
   Posted 5/12/2010 5:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I also need to get back into going to church.   I was really into going when I lived in  CT and started in NY but the church wasn't the right one for me.     There are sooooo many kind people at church, or if you don't feel like chatting you can just reflect and be in a safe place with a group of people.  The singing always lifts my spirits too.
 
Lots of libraries also have group gatherings for book discussions, classes etc.   That could be another place just to be around people and maybe get your mind off things if even for an hour.
Complete Hysterectomy 1991 due to Endo
BP/IBD
Migraines - bad ones!! Ow.
Save a life - adopt a shelter dog!!
 


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/12/2010 11:06 PM (GMT -7)   

CSMC3..

First of all, by all means consider becoming a counselor as long as you keep your mind in the helping mode without getting overwhelmed.  Being BP and a counselor you have to be willing to take off work for your mental.  Like today I felt totally overwhelmed and upset so I cancelled my clients for the day, stayed home, napped and read.  Now I feel fine to tackle work again.  Every2-3 months I schedule a week off to do as I want.  In other words, you have to be extra special to take good care of yourself to be a good counselor.  As far as your own issues do get triggered....it happens frequently, BUT if you know your issues and you recognize that is what is going on, you should do OK.  It's sort of a Darn it, there goes getting my buttons pushed on that topic.  If you are unaware of your issues, then it is hard to be objective.  The one kind of client I cannot work with is someone is really super bi-polar because I get triggered all over the place until I am too overwhelmed to help them.  You mentioned something about me being a counselor and you didn't understand how I couldn'y figure out some things myself..  When I have my own problem I find I am too emotinal to be objective  and using couselor techniques on myself just don't work.

Sigh!! That is sad you lost your favorite counselor.  I do think she goofed by not having a session or two with you to talk about our feelings re: the transfer.  I might throw in here that counselors also in some cases feel very sad when a "favorite" client finishes up counseling and the counselor is no longer needed. I have been counseling for 18 years, and I gave several clients I still miss.  It is absolutely normal for you to feel sad.  You can aleays do something like send her a christmas card (obviously when Xmas gets here...LOL) with a short note how you are feeling and doing.  As  counselors, we love to "hear" from past clients.  Sometimes I hear from ones I saw 10 years ago.  You do need to grieve the loss of your counselor

When I went on Facebook a lot of my old clients found me there.

 I have told my husband, he was no longer welcome in my therapy sessions.  Tfat my doc and he were a little to chummy and leaving me out.  He will have to trust I will tell him whatever I choose as far as what when on in the session but he also has to accept there are things that need to be dealt (like my husband)  that will be just between the doc and me.

I think I hurt his feelings but too bad.  He hurts mine all the time.  Yesterday he told me I HAD to stop acting bi=polar because he was at the end of his rope.  IIr has been a rough, but it has been hatd for everyone involved with me and his lack of support actually made things much more worse.  Until 3 years ago (I was diagnosed   officially 18 years ago) He says he rhought I was faking being bi-polar.  I was very,very upset when he told me that, But if he thought I was faking, it did his explain his lack of support in thr past.. How the hell does one fake being bi-polar????  Especially when there were numerous stays in the hospital. 

Well, I have to get back to bed.  Thank you for responding to me.

 

 

 

 


Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 

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