Life has become impossible

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James777
New Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/13/2010 4:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I have bipolar manic depression. My disease is very severe and I often
do things or think things that make no sense to other people. I cannot
endure what is going on inside my mind anymore. This disease is
destroying my grasp on reality, my joy in life and my humanity itself.

I am so ill that I have wound up doing things against the law. Unfortunately,
hypersexuality is one of the symptoms of my disease when I am in the
manic phase of the illness. This has gotten me a criminal record, labelled and
ostracised by society. I was convicted of misdemeanor offenses on several
occasions. It is all because my disease has the capability of distorting reality
the way I perceive it and the very thoughts and beliefs that leap into my mind.
I am so ill right now I cannot even tell the difference.

Criminalizing me was a wrong move on behalf of the state, because it
pretty effectively eliminated any chance that I would ever recover from
this disease and lead a normal life. It doesn't seem that they are very
interested in helping me either. When I was in jail, they denied me
medication, never let me see a nurse or doctor. They did this to save
a couple of bucks. I suffered horribly for a long time because of that.

I don't see any way of ever recovering from this situation. I am a burden
on my family and I do not enjoy even being alive anymore. It is all about
suffering. I have no respect, no future, no dignity, no love.

A journalist here in my hometown Racine thought it would be funny to run a story
in the local paper detailing my problems to the general public. I was
psychologically and socially destroyed by her decision to do that. Her
name is Marcia Tenuta. After she did that, I lost many friends and the entire
support structure I had around me to help me and watch out for me.
I was so humiliated and hurt. People wrote blogs calling me names and
making fun of me. Everyone in town was laughing at me and I am now
treated as a joke. And now it is really true, my life actually has become a joke.

I don't want to be alive anymore. I feel like I don't even want to be a member
of the human race anymore. In fact, I am not really being treated like a human.
No one seems to care or even want to understand me or why I am the way I
am. I am bipolar manic depressive for a reason.

I endured 14 solid years of physical and mental abuse at the hands of my
father before he died. He was merciless, mean-hearted and cruel to me.
I had no boundaries. When I had a neck operation when I was 12 years
old, I passed out later that day as a result of exhaustion. My father hit me
in the neck, busting the stitches, as a punishment for being a "p**sy".
There were hundreds of incidences like that in my young days. He
did not have any respect for my boundaries, and now all these people
are clueless as to why I have problems. The adults in my life at the time
did nothing to help me.They are so willing to blame me. If they only knew.

So now, the cycle has started all over again. I just don't see any point in
continuing this cycle of suffering. The city government here was funding
my medication for awhile, but they cut off my funds because I guess it
just wasn't important to them

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 5/13/2010 2:53:57 PM (GMT-6)


Carenpolar
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 672
   Posted 5/13/2010 6:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Welcome to the board
hugs, Caren
Bipolar 1

horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/13/2010 12:37 PM (GMT -7)   
James
I don't know what to say exactly, except try to accept the fact you are very depressed right now and this i no time to decide to end your life.  I gather you don't have a regular therapist to help you deal with what your father and other people havedone to you.  I \t is possible to reach the point that the stuff no longer weighs so heavy on you.I gather you aren't on meds...not good.  You know if you were sitting in my office as a client, I would take your hand and take you to the nearest emergency room.  They cannot turn you away if you are suicidal.
 
I agree, being bi-polar sucks big time and we have all done crazy stuff when we are manic and suicidal stuff when we are depressed.  But you can't change being bi-polar////you can learn to accept it though.
 
I hope you don't go thru with your plan.  Stay on this message board and you will learn that there are things to live for and there are a bunch of bi-polar people out there....many dealing with the same issues you are.  Keep in touch
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 5/13/2010 1:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi James,

I think now is the time to contact a suicide hotline, or go to the emergency room at the hospital. You can get this taken care of with the right medications and some counseling. Life is worth living, once you get your depression and bipolar under control. Right now it seems hard, but it will get better.

We are not allowed to discuss suicide or self harm on the forum, so I had to edit your post. I just hope that you come back to read this so that I know that you are okay.

PLease post and let us know that things are alright with you. I will get you some suicide hotline numbers to call.

Hugs, Karen

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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