Very upset and angry

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TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 5/20/2010 6:30 PM (GMT -7)   
I am very upset. I'm not sure where to even start.

First, I'm not taking my meds, just focalin. I didn't hav the money to get all my refills.

Which leads me to my excessive spending. I constantly spend money. I live on eBay. I havnt been able to sleep. I stay up most of the night trying to sleep and go to bed if at all in the early morning. Then I either sleep very little or I over-sleep. Which leads to missing my appt wit my pdoc on Tuesday. Seen my therapist yesterday and the soonest the pdoc can see me is July 30th. My meds weren't helping when I took them, that's y I havnt been in a hurry to get them. I also can't see the nurse because the state requires I c the pdoc every 6 months...so I'm out of refills for all my meds until I can c him, there is nothing I can do.

I'm having anxiety and panic attacks frequently and sleep problems, excessive spending..basically my life sucks. I'm doing bad in school. I made a D in a class and now I hav to re-take it. My anxiety kept me from going and so I failed it.

Work is very difficult for me. I get moved around a lot and I'm not good with that. I like staying in one place with a schedule and list of things to do. I can function better that way.

My doc said I had either dysthymic disorder or borderline personality. At first I agreed dysthymic. I disagree now. BPD fits everything about me now.

I'm having problems with people. Like, I get angry real easy and jus want to be Aline and do my own thing, which isn't working with my gf. My parents are separated but my mom stays over do much, it doesn't make sense to me and makes me angry. I can't make eye contact, I find myself avoiding looking at people or whatever. I talk to myself. It's like a constant conversation going on in my head. I don't pay any attention, you hav to get my direct attention before I hear anything you say. My dad says he repeats things to me, but I never heard him or seen him or anything. I can't remember anything. I forget what I'm doing or get distracted.

I just to sit and cry constantly. I feel like I need to cry all the time. Now I'm stuck with just
y therapist all summer, no meds. Everything is onlybgetting worse and I feel everything will continue on that path. That makes me afraid that things will get bad and I could end up in the hospital. I have been lucky I have nit yet, and that's on medication.....what am I supposed to do now? I feel like they just left me out in the wilderness to fend for myself.

What am I supposed to do?? Help.
TRIED: Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09, Rozerem, Melatonin, Prozac (july 09-feb 10)
Currently taking: Trazodone 50mg, Focalin XR 5mg, Klonopin 1mg, Wellburtin XL 150mg, Lexapro 20mg, Abilify 5mg, Zantac 150mg, Prilosec 20mg  
Diagnosed: Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder, OCD, GERD, Bi-Polar II
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 5/20/2010 6:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

I just want to say that I know all about your anger crying spending and just lost. I have had Bipolar since I was a kid (from what dr. say about my behavior) I look back at all the time I did not have ins and could not see a dr or get my meds. It is scary to be on your own and realy out of your mind.

All I can say to support you is to write let go of your feelings. But also I know it is hard I go through the anxity of talking to others but try to look at public places to find resources for meds and treatment. Even a support group could give you resources.

With the anger I also have a hard time and I let myself speek my mind and one of these days I will say something to someone and get into alot of trouble. Try to take a deep breath and think is this worth getting into trouble over. It is not easy and takes alot of practice. I still loose it but it seems to have calmed down a little.

Take what you want leave what you don't. I just wanted to let you know that This battle is not just your own!


SLZ

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 5/20/2010 6:55 PM (GMT -7)   

 

   Have you considered asking your doctor if they have some free samples that they can give you to help you out? It sucks, we should all get our meds for free since they help keep us sane and good members of society.

  Excersise has helped me greatly, and i mean really hard, work out till i am panting excersise. If you dont have money you can just find a small hill and sprint up it over and over again till you are wipped out.

  Also there are those here who have good advice on diet that has seemed to help them a whole lot. Hopefully they will comment.

    Aside from that rest, stay away from caffenee, and try to keep out of stress full situations that can set you off.

   Good luck and i hope you get the help that you need.

   Bill

 


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 5/21/2010 1:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, I am with you as part of the all night club and spending. Go to bed about 5:00am, up at 7:00am. UPS delivers boxes of stuff, which I return 3/4 of it. When I was quite a bit younger I wass diagnosed BPD which truly fit at the time. And certainly BP & BPD share some of the same symptoms. Anyway, I kind of "outgrew" the BPD and along with that I settled down a bit. I don't know your income, but most of the drug companies have programs for people with lower incomes. Your doctor has to fill out some forms and then you get your drugs free (sent to you every 3 months. Might be worth looking into to see if you qualify. And I agree with Bill...ask your pdoc if he has free samples. I don't know if you can, but try talking to someone higher up at work and see if they can change you around less, because that truly seems to add to your stress and if you happen to be verging on manic, it is even harder to make change. Meanwhile vent to the forum. We are here 24 hours a day.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 5/21/2010 6:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Christi,

How are you doing today? It has been a while since I last talked to you. I am sorry that you are going through such rough times.

I know what you mean, meds can be very expensive, especially new ones. Like others were saying you should see if you can get samples of medicines from your pdoc to help you alleviate some of the feelings you have been experiencing. There are also some drug companies out there that offer free meds to those who do not make enough. You should look into that and try get some assistance with your meds.

But don't forget talk therapy, that helps a lot too. When talking doesn't always help, I try to find an outlet to express all the feelings that I cannot put in word. My outlet is Art or sometimes I do free writing till I cannot write anymore.

Please let us know how you are doing when you get a chance.

(((hugs)))

Olivia
Olivia
Bipolar Co-Moderator
Donate to HealingWell at http://www.healingwell.com/donate/

Only by seeking challenges can we hope to find the best in ourselves. ~Robert Rodriguez

Don't let your yesterday ruin your today.
 
 


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 5/21/2010 10:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Today has been okay. I was shocked today, I wasn't moved around today even working a 9-hour shift...everyone else got moved, it was less stressful.

The meds I can figure out, the thing is, I can't see the doc til end of July. I cant c the nurse either. I have no way of getting refills until I see him. Funny enough I saw the nurse at work today.. Passed her and said hey. Anyways....

Things aren't looking up much at all. I'm really just trying to keep things together for 2 weeks at a time, since I see my therapist every 2 weeks. Just trying to make it from one appointment to another.

Olivia, it's been a while. How have you been?
TRIED: Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09, Rozerem, Melatonin, Prozac (july 09-feb 10)
Currently taking: Trazodone 50mg, Focalin XR 5mg, Klonopin 1mg, Wellburtin XL 150mg, Lexapro 20mg, Abilify 5mg, Zantac 150mg, Prilosec 20mg  
Diagnosed: Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder, OCD, GERD, Bi-Polar II
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 5/22/2010 8:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there....I'm new the the BP world, at least being diagnosed for it. However I have been going to school for some time and I've found you can get a letter from your DR whichever one has diagnosed you and have them explain you have a condition that requires (whatever assistance you may need) mine says I may miss class on ocassion, or need to walk out unexpectedly, need extended time for tests and or assignments. You can even request someone to help take notes for you or to be able to use a voice recorder in class. Everyone is different. You then take that letter to the disability office at school and they will in turn give you letters for your teachers to sign agreeing to the terms.
This protects you in the event of an episode. I've had to take (I) incompletes and had to finish the next semester when I've gotten to stressed to function. You just have to communicate your needs. I've found most professors are understanding. I've only had 1 that was bad.
You may talk to your disability office at your school first and talk with a counselor to find out exactly what they need from you, they are there to help and make sure you have the assistance you need to succeed.
I hope this helps, at least with school. I've had to use it for several semesters and would have bombed them otherwise. Good luck....feel free to ask me if you have any questions.
"Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed at, but with what is still possible for you to do." You are special and loved!!!!!

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/22/2010 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   

I agree with Not2L8 about getting disability for school.  I did and it was fantastic.  I got:

flexibility in attendence
leaving the classroom for breaks
use of a service dog
preferential seating
audio recording lectures
additional time for test and quizzes

I had to use all of them.  I was having panic attacks and dissociative episodes during classes.  It was scary. 

My scores improved by 15%.
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 5/23/2010 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I already have accomodations through my school. I have all of those listed. May I ask about the service dog? I receive services for school though.

I already do some of those things, they don't work. Or at least they never have before. I appreciate it though.

My school this summer is all online, so I don't hav to worry about campus until fall. I'm just worrying about work mostly.
TRIED: Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09, Rozerem, Melatonin, Prozac (july 09-feb 10)
Currently taking: Trazodone 50mg, Focalin XR 5mg, Klonopin 1mg, Wellburtin XL 150mg, Lexapro 20mg, Abilify 5mg, Zantac 150mg, Prilosec 20mg  
Diagnosed: Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder, OCD, GERD, Bi-Polar II
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   

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