Counselling starts tomorrow

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mogli
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Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/25/2010 3:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys,
 
I am so sorry to keep posting the negatives...Unfortunately with Mom's cancer, things aren't going to be easy for me and it helps to come here and post. So much is involved in all of this. Bf and I are already back to fighting, a lot. I hate it. Today I came home from work in tears b/c it was such a quiet day at work, all day was just thinking and thinking...I tried distracting myself, but I was very limited with things I could do....Anyway, bf got angry with me b/c I uttered the words "I can't do this" and he was like "what do you mean you can't do this....I don't understand why you are saying that....etc. etc." He just gave me the hardest time about it. So much so I found myself trying to justify what I said. When really I knew what I meant. I am depressed, I am sad, and I am scared, so it just came out. People say it all the time. And btw he did not think I was talking about suicide, he thought I was talking about my job...and so his reponse after giving me such a hard time was "well just quite your job then".
 
Ya, so enough about that, I think you all get the ugly picture.
 
On the upside I have counselling tomorrow. My first appointment with this woman. She works out of her house, which is one street over from mine, so after work I am coming home and then walking over to have my first session. I really think it's going to help me. Because as of right now.......Everything is just a complete mess. I am planning to take a week off of work, hopefully next week. Bf says he supports it, but we'll just wait until that week actually arrives and see how things go....
 
Anyway, thank you all for reading. I will post how my session goes tomorrow nite.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/25/2010 6:08 PM (GMT -7)   

I told my SO right away before there was ever an issue, "If I ever say 'I can't do this' give me a hug and tell me that I already am doing it!"

Tell him how to support you.  Don't leave him guessing.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/26/2010 5:10 AM (GMT -7)   

Thanks Tortoise, I will try that....I have tried it in the past and he gets so angry....I am just SO frustrated that he and I are back in this pattern. He is mad b/c I am depressed. Same story as always. I am going to be talking to my counsellor about this although I know she will wisely suggest what you suggested.

It is such great advice, I am going to try and discuss with him. I just fear the anger. Thank you so much for replying. I feel so completely and totally alone right now sad


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/28/2010 6:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Counselling was not so great. She was over-bearing and did almost all of the talking. We did discuss (or rather she talked about) my fight with bf and how it's a pattern with us lately since my depression has returned. She asked me how I managed my illness at work. She said she guessed I managed it very well at work. She asked me how this was vs. the way I manage it at home. She explained how my bf must feel when I walk in the door "at zero".

Hmmm....yes, I don't want to make him feel bad or cause tension....But on those days when I am "at zero" honestly I feel that at that point I need and deserve a soft place to fall. My energy (the "zero" amount that I have) is not worrying about totally pretending I am ok, however I do do that on a lot of days as well--all in order to protect him. I really do feel at time he is unfair to me, and I fully believe that is because he does not understand what I need. And he does not try to. When I talk about how the depression makes me feel, he seizes up. All these years we've been together, we have not been able to break this barrier.

Anyway, we ended the session with her telling me not to go home in a "slump"...to try that for a change....Hmmmm....Wondering what you guys think?

 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 5/28/2010 10:23 AM (GMT -7)   
I think find a mental health care provider who is the right fit for you is a primary goal, and it does not seem like this one is the right fit. Do not worry it can take several to find one you like.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders:_All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.

I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586

All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.

The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life?  Has your life brought joy to others?

Make sure your suffering has meaning…


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/28/2010 11:38 AM (GMT -7)   

What is your bf's issue about feeling?  Does he really seize up?  Maybe he needs some counseling?  Or maybe he is starting to react because he recognizes the pattern of this-is-going-to-be-a-fight?

While you do NEED home to be a sanctuary where you can just "be," he also has a NEED to be with you - not with your mood - but with you!

I don't know how you cope with things, but if you're like me and sometimes you just need to cry and FEEL IT deeply to 'get over it', can you stop somewhere on your way home and have a moment?  Or go home, but leave immediately and take a walk?

I think he loves you and he misses you, when you are in a depression.  Maybe it is fear, or anxiety that causes him to shut down.  Maybe it is loneliness, or even rejection!

With BP, we feel things so intensely, that sometimes we all forget to think about how it affects everyone else!

"Suck it up" for a moment while you are alone and try to use the logical (left) side of your brain.  What can you DO to help your bf deal with you?

I do this by setting an alarm to take my meds on time, leaving when I am hypomanically angry, and telling him what is going on.  Like saying "This is not a mood swing, I am legitimately upset about _____"  Or telling him that I'm having a mood swing, but I took my med at X time and will be better by X time.

Take care of your man so he can take care of you.  (((hug)))


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 5/28/2010 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Do you ever leave a note or email for you bf?  I do that when I need to talk about something that I think will not be well-received.  That way, I can edit it and take out all the emotional girly stuff and leave the manly straight-to-the-point information.

Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 5/28/2010 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Its very hard for people to understand what we go thru. Especially how e get higher highs and lower lows than normal people. Whats the old saying about walking a mile in a persons shoes? Kinda fits us really well. I work hard to keep the lines of communication oen with my wife, however there are many times that she really cant understand the suffering i am going thru to try and keep on the straight and narrow.

I kinda equate it to being pregnant, unless you have been, no one can understand (especially men) what its like to go thru that for 9 months.

I try to find stability in things i know wont let me down, my dog for instance. Sounds bad but honestly he is allways happy to see me, allways listens without finding fault, and offers up what ever confort he can when i am feeling bad. People could take a real lesson from mans best friend.

I do hope you find a different counsler, mine made all the difference. She let me be me, but worked well with me to help me see the points she was trying to get across. In shorter words she helped me to help myself, even when i was dead set against it.

Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 5/30/2010 8:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys, WOW thanks for all the responses...Sorry haven`t been on in a few days. Had a great day with my Mom yesterday :)
 
Also, I took this week off of work. Enough of the panic attacks, deep depression, extreme fatigue etc. I have lots to do around the house to keep me busy AND I am going to spend a couple days with my Mom.
 
Tortoise, you really captured how bf is feeling. I know he misses me when I am depressed. I know he feels rejected.... And I don`t forget that he feels affected as a result, but for years now, I have been longing for just SOME understanding. But I believe truly from conversations we`ve had about my illness, that he actually has the stigma towards the depression, the meds...something he said the other day showed stigma.... There can be a balance. I have read so many spouses on here asking for advice, education etc. My bf unfortunately is not educated on this illness at all. He has no clue as to what meds I am on or why. He just disagrees with it. He doesn`t like me pdoc who he has never met because he prescribes the meds. So while bf is feeling normal feelings due to being affected, there is also a huge underlying problem with it all. I have tried emailing him a few times; one recently to give him a heads up that I was having a bad day and that I didn`t want to affect him at home so in the email I described how I was feeling and that I was going to be okay...no reply and no reponse when I asked if he got the email later at home.  I have tried the communication thing for when I am feeling down so many times, but the minute I say `hun, I am depressed today` walls go up.
 
MMMNAVY, good to hear from you--I am going to give this counsellor another chance. At least she was really nice and it`s hard to give up right away because she lives one street over from me....But if it doesnt work, I will look elsewhere because it`s important to have someone who fits.
 
happy bill- you are so right about ppl not being able to really understand what we go through. Here is my belief with this: Ppl cannot possibly fully understand what we experience, because they aren`t walking in our shoes, they aren`t us, they aren`t living it, feeling it. However, I fully believe that ppl can educate themselves by listening to the bp person, by reading, by reaching out to forums like this....and through knowledge that person can come that much closer to AN understanding of their own. This type of understanding helps them to help us and can also help us help them etc. I`ve just read too many spouses posts on here, about how they are involved in their loved one`s care sometimes, attending sessions, BIG ONE-actually recognizing symptoms etc. That they have knowledge about this illness and they want to do whatever they can to help, to provide comfort and care.
 
Anyway, you all were so right in what you said. Thank you all so much for reaching out to me. I will let you know how the next session goes! Hope you are all well today.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day

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