Hi there...I know it may be hard to believe you are not alone, but I know what you're feeling. I was finally diagnosed BPD when I was 16 during a month long stay in a mental hospital after I was raped.
The event itself didn't cause it, there were many events that simply lingered. I was in a great deal of pain, inside. I was using self mutilation (SM) before it had a name to numb myself. After my stay I found other ways to cope but the pain was still there. I didn't feel anything. I could tell you every detail of that event and others b4 it and never shed a tear, I had little to no emotion. I could talk about it like was telling you what I had for dinner. It sounds like an odd thing to say, but I sometimes miss that compared to the lows I get now an although I am married, I still struggle with relationships.
I don't know that talking alone can help you. It didn't help me. I've been in talk therapy off and on since I was probably 10 or 11 maybe. Although with the right therapist and maybe medication carefully prescribed, you may find relief.
You need to find an outlet...something within yourself that you can trust. I'm really into art, I sculpt and write when I can. It's something I'm good at, something I'm passionate about. Focusing is not always easy and i often get overwhelmed....but everything is a process, baby steps. That's what I keep telling myself.
One thing I've learned over the years...no one is perfect, not friends, relatives, significant others, as much as we want them to be. They're only human and just because they hurt or disappoint you, doesn't mean they don't love you. I often beat myself up (theoretically of course) because I can't fathom not being able to do it all. To be what everyone needs me to be...or at least what I think they need me to be. It's a constant pressure I put on myself.
I don't know if any of this makes sense or helps in any way, but I can hope.
Faith... is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
Borderline Personality Disorder
meds: pristq, lamotrigine, ambien cr, Xanax