Why can't I control it?

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Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 6/2/2010 1:08 PM (GMT -7)   
I know I'm still relatively new to the diagnosis (2 months maybe) but why can't I control it? I feel like I'm supposed to be able to decide to just be better and go about my day but I know I can't and that's so frustrating. I understand that in reality I never really was in control. My defenses were just up and somewhat protected me for short stretches of time until it got too much and I went into overload. Now it just seems I can't regain my composure. If I don't do anything remotely stressful I do ok....but then I try to do a little more and I suddenly feel overwhelmed. What the heck? My SO's been great, he tells me to not worry about it and that it's ok to do nothing (anything to keep me from withdrawing completely again) he's picked up the slack a lot at home and that's new for him. It kinda weirds me out....it's what I've needed for a very long time from him but feels strange all the same. It feels like I'm giving up control and it makes me feel vulnerable. If you've read my history you may understand why that's hard for me. Anyone out there understand where I'm coming from or can give me some perspective?
Faith... is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD
meds: pristq, lamotrigine, ambien cr, Xanax


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/2/2010 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
 
    You know the first 4-8 months of life after my diagnosis was a wirlwind also.  I was trying to figure out what my life was with a mental disorder, trying to keep my marriage together, trying to find out who i really was, trying to learn to live with new meds in my system, and so much more.   Now almost 2 years after the fact i finally have things fairly well figured out.  No it didnt take 2 whole years but it sure took a long time to get to a place where i finally felt "setteled".
 
   You need to give yourself time to learn to live with this new you. and time to grieve for the old life you have left behind. This is one of those times that really only time will help. THat and therpay to help you with the process of moving on to bigger and better things. 
 
   Give it time, with hard work and time peace will come to you.
 
   Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/2/2010 2:19 PM (GMT -7)   

I try to control it also ... I just cant .  I am new to this as well .. well to the reality of everything at least.   I too get overwhelmed at stress, but I completley shut down and do nothing. This affects my life in a very negative way .    I cant make decisions , and would rather just live in the moment rather than deal with the stress of tomorrow, But I know my world is crumbling soon then extreme anxiety takes over and im like a tiger backed in a corner. If one negative thing happens, its like all is lost... I am a very "all or nothing" person ... there is no gray area.   Its either a great day or my whole life is ruined.   But latley , I hve been able to take a deep breath and re acess the situation , if you will ....   It helps some, to try and see another perspective, it is difficult .. but it can be done.

 

~Belle


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/2/2010 2:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Take a deep breath, say thank you (for the help), and celebrate because you are learning to trust and be a little vulnerable!

THAT, my dear, is healing.

P.S. If you could control it, then it wouldn't be a disorder. ;)
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


Not2L8
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 255
   Posted 6/2/2010 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for responding....
I guess I still haven't come to grips with the fact that it's a mental disorder or that it's something beyond my control (more to the point, something that's not my fault) I still blame myself for all the sexual abuse I've suffered. I feel like had I been a different person then all of it wouldn't have happened. That's a crazy statement....I can rationalize that, but I can't change the way I feel about it. UGH......
What's the purpose of having common sense and being crazy at the same time? Can't I have one OR the other.
Faith... is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.

Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
PTSD
meds: pristq, lamotrigine, ambien cr, Xanax


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/2/2010 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
You know i had a bunch of guilt also, then one day i just said the heck with it. The guilt wasnt doing me a darn bit of good. ANd honestly, to be fair, it really wasnt my fault since i was ""crazy" at the time. Now i do give myself a pass on all that before, however since i have been diagnosed and take meds i do take responsibility for my actions since.

Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/2/2010 11:04 PM (GMT -7)   
After many years, most of the time I can accept I have a disorder that at times takes over my life and I have no more control. However, I also know it will cycle around and I will soon be back on level ground. My family steps in when I am at the far end of depression or mania, make sure I get to the pdoc and pick up the slack at home. One thing that helps me is I keep a running list of about everything I can think of to do, like one might be brush my horse, or another dust the furniture, or take a walk and so on. When I get depressed, I go to the list and try to pick one thing each day from it and do it...usually there is at least one thing on the list that half way appeals to me. I don't know why, but it gives me some sense of control. I also write in a notebook when I amfrustrated and angry over the whole ordeal of being BP. Anything goes as far as what I write in the journal. Many of my entries are the raging anger I feel over the lack of control I have over being BP
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 900 mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 

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