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mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/3/2010 5:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys,
 
Just wanted to post this morning to get this off my mind (or at least try to).
 
I took this week off to decrease the stress (panic attacks, stomach aches, tension headaches ---but especially the panic attacks) and to spend time with my Mom.
 
I talked to Mom on the phone yesterday and she is just too sick from the radiation (they've really increased what they were giving her already) so she's really not up to me staying overnight to spend a couple days with her sad I hate hearing her so weak and sick, and I am sad I can't be with her right now.
 
That was one thing.
 
Then I went downstairs to our laundry room and noticed a cat urine smell. My cat (Mogli) must have peed. He's nine years old and he's never done that before, ever. To top it off, the laundry room also got a bit flooded the other day and I've been trying to dry the carpet. I called the landlord to let him know about the water, and the cat urine. I was beyond stressed about the smell. So we got rid of the carpet, it was in pieces so it wasn't hard, and at least this morning it doesn't smell down there. But when it happened (and there is the key phrase) I had a severe panic attacks. Shakes, weak weak legs, racing heart, could NOT breathe...So so bad.  Bf gets angry with me, and I mean angry. He yelled at me for a long time. All b/c he said to me "I don't see the point in getting physically ill over it"...and that triggored a response in me to say "It's not my fault that I get panic attacks..." and that's when he lost it. During this fight we had, he went way beyond what had just happened (the panic attack, what caused it, and what caused me to respond to him they way I did). He said things like I never let him be stressed (which is not true)....and mentioned many other things that did not have anything to do with what happened. I tried to bring the focus back to the moment; to what happened.
 
I cried a lot last night with all this stress. But then I drifted to thinking about Mom and cried even more. Bf apologized, but today his words are forefront in my mind, and I am deeply hurt. I know for the past 4 1/2 years we've been together, I've been posting about this type of situation over and over between me and bf. Last night I kind of just sat there thinking, "Should I settle down with him?" B/c I really don't feel he's ever going to change his view on panic attacks or depression or bipolar, any of it. To this day he has NEVER sat beside me while having a panic attack to rub my back, tell me it's okay, got me a glass of water, told me to slow my breathing down....none of those things, ever.
 
I am at a loss this morning. This is the last type of thing I need going on right now. I am soooooo glad I am not at work this morning b/c I wouldn't be able to handle it. I am so tired from the two hour long panic attack and crying...
 
I am thinking of you all and will go through the board later today.
 
Thanks,
Mogs
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/3/2010 6:17 AM (GMT -7)   

Go whatever is right for you.  (((hugs)))  My XDH would hit me - HARD - when I was in a panic.  Healthy and supportive, right?   rolleyes   I didn't realize how wrong it was until I left him.

My SO will hold me if I am actually having a panic attack.  Otherwise he mostly leaves me alone when I'm in a mood.  If I'm really depressed, he might come and sit with me for a little while.  I appreciate his support as much as I appreciate his refusal to get sucked into my mood.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/3/2010 2:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks tortoise. I am taking your advice and doing what I need to do, just one step at a time. Like this morning....Honestly after last night, I just wanted space from him today. When I took him to work, I couldn't even bring myself to hug him when he got out of the car. He hurt me so deeply last night; he actually has no idea.
 
I still want my space from him tonight when he comes home and that's what I am going to try to do.
 
I was with my Mom at the hospital today while she got her radiation. She blows me away with her courage.
 
Anyway, today has been pretty awful and it's as a result from yesterday. Thanks so much for caring. 
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day

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