Just wanted to post this morning to get this off my mind (or at least try to).
I took this week off to decrease the stress (panic attacks, stomach aches, tension headaches ---but especially the panic attacks) and to spend time with my Mom.
I talked to Mom on the phone yesterday and she is just too sick from the radiation (they've really increased what they were giving her already) so she's really not up to me staying overnight to spend a couple days with her
I hate hearing her so weak and sick, and I am sad I can't be with her right now.
That was one thing.
Then I went downstairs to our laundry room and noticed a cat urine smell. My cat (Mogli) must have peed. He's nine years old and he's never done that before, ever. To top it off, the laundry room also got a bit flooded the other day and I've been trying to dry the carpet. I called the landlord to let him know about the water, and the cat urine. I was beyond stressed about the smell. So we got rid of the carpet, it was in pieces so it wasn't hard, and at least this morning it doesn't smell down there. But when it happened (and there is the key phrase) I had a severe panic attacks. Shakes, weak weak legs, racing heart, could NOT breathe...So so bad. Bf gets angry with me, and I mean angry. He yelled at me for a long time. All b/c he said to me "I don't see the point in getting physically ill over it"...and that triggored a response in me to say "It's not my fault that I get panic attacks..." and that's when he lost it. During this fight we had, he went way beyond what had just happened (the panic attack, what caused it, and what caused me to respond to him they way I did). He said things like I never let him be stressed (which is not true)....and mentioned many other things that did not have anything to do with what happened. I tried to bring the focus back to the moment; to what happened.
I cried a lot last night with all this stress. But then I drifted to thinking about Mom and cried even more. Bf apologized, but today his words are forefront in my mind, and I am deeply hurt. I know for the past 4 1/2 years we've been together, I've been posting about this type of situation over and over between me and bf. Last night I kind of just sat there thinking, "Should I settle down with him?" B/c I really don't feel he's ever going to change his view on panic attacks or depression or bipolar, any of it. To this day he has NEVER sat beside me while having a panic attack to rub my back, tell me it's okay, got me a glass of water, told me to slow my breathing down....none of those things, ever.
I am at a loss this morning. This is the last type of thing I need going on right now. I am soooooo glad I am not at work this morning b/c I wouldn't be able to handle it. I am so tired from the two hour long panic attack and crying...
I am thinking of you all and will go through the board later today.
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day