Please Help I am at the end of my rope.

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frustrated husband
New Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/6/2010 12:40 AM (GMT -6)   
First of all I am so happy to have found this forum. Reading the posts was a revelation for me. It was as though someone had read my mind. Having said that I don't know what to do with my wife. We have been married for 14 years and we have 3 beautiful children together. I was previously married my first wife is deceased my son with my first wife was 2 when we married. My wife told me early in our relationship that she had been sexually abused by her brothers I had fallen in love with her and wanted to help her. From the beginning of our marriage she had an obsession with having babies and being pregnant. I wanted children but she wanted to have more than 5. From the beginning she had terrible mood swings. She would be giddy and happy and loud talking and then would fly into a rage. At the time I did not know what that meant now I do. We had 3 children over the next several years. about 8 years ago she started having internet affairs which progressed into real affairs. In 2006 she told me she wanted to kill herself. I got her help in the form of inpatient treatment and then found out about more affairs. She has spent every penny we have and has ruined my credit. I work two jobs so we can get by and she refuses to work. She does not take care of the house or the kids. I have to do it when I get home from work. I now have separate banking from her which she greatly resents but I had no choice. She is horrible to me. I have been exiled from our room and am treated like a low rent servant. She yells at the kids constantly and she treated my son with my first wife so badly she had 2 child abuse investigations on her several years ago. I have had the police remove her from the home twice for attacking me. Everything is my fault according to her and she seems to hate me now. I still love her and would like to help her but she seems beyond redemption. Part of me still wants to help her the other part wants to get a lawyer and take myself and the kids out of the destructive path of her life. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. How do I penetrate the barriers she puts up and help her? Or should I just give up and cut her out of my life. I appreciate any advice you can give I am truly at the end of my rope.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/6/2010 1:00 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm so sorry everytime I post this to a spouse looking to help the person s/he loves most.  There is nothing you can do to help if the person will not help him/her self.
You can't protect her from yourself, but you CAN protect your children from her and love her with BOUNDARIES.
Boundaries are the essential key to a relationship of any kind with a bipolar person.  My SO is wonderful and supportive, but if I did any of those things, our relationship would be over.
I really MUST go to bed now for my own health, but I wanted to leave you at least the beginning of a reply tonight.
Take care of you and yours!
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

horse crazy
Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/6/2010 2:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Is she on meds??  Much of her activity seems very manic, including the rages.  Unfortunately, I don't have a magic answer for you.  Unless, she decides to help herself, there is not much you can do to help her.  You are right to do anything you can to protect yourself financially, etc.  Having a mood disorder, does not give one the right to emotionally,verbally abuse the family.  Can you put her inpatient again to hopefully stabilize her on meds?  I suggest you find a good counselor to talk to and come up with a future plan.  My husband should be writing this....he would definitely know where you are coming from  Hang in there and try to ease up on "fixing" her and concentrate on you and the kids.  Believe me, I know...this kind of stuff takes a huge toll on the kids.

Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg

happy bill
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/6/2010 11:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Again very sorry to hear about what you are ging thru, but to echo the first poster, unless she is willing to accept that she has a problem and that meds can and will hel her than she is well and truly lost. Almost everyone on this board had to come to the realization that the problem was inside us. ANd that there was no way to control this beast without help from doctors, therapasts, and meds.

You may need to consider getting you and your kids out of this relationship and to a safe place for their own good and yours as well. Until she gets a grip on this she is only causing more and more damage.

   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/6/2010 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear frustrated husband,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. This disorder affects more than just the one who is ill. I worry for your children. It does sound like she is struggling with mostly mania...and as my other HW family members have already stated: she really does have to be the one to help herself. It is your decision on what you want and need to do for yourself and your children. Professionals need to be involved.

My heart bleeds for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day

frustrated husband
New Member

Date Joined Jun 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/6/2010 11:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry for the delayed reply and thank you all for your advice. I just got home from working. It sounds as though I am on the right track. I refuse to fight with her and get involved in drama over little things. I would hate to think she is lost but if that is the case I will have to live with that. Is there a way I can reach her? She now focuses all her hate on me which is better than on the kids but it is hard to take. I am thinking of leaving but I don't want the kids to be just with her and taking them is very hard to do in this state. She is very manipulate and lies well so a commitment would be difficult to pull off right now. I consulted an attorney regarding this and divorce options. She has nearly ruined my life, if not for my faith and my kids I would not find life worth living. It is hard not to hate her for putting us all through this. This disease is so destructive I wish there was an easier answer.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/7/2010 12:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey Frustrated Husband

I am usually on the depression forum, but I was just surfing through a couple of other sites and came across your story. I am so sorry for you and those beautiful children. You are such a great dad. My advice is get out now with the kids. You said you have already had the police to the house on different occasions, so surely this would help you gaining custody of the kids in your state. Can your lawyer help?

Your wife is a danger to both you and your children and if she is venting all her hatred towards you, I would be fearful for my life and my kids' lives. Can you speak to someone who can perhaps advise you on where you could go to get custody of the kids and move out. I am not in the US so I cannot really advise you there but there must surely be an agency that would help you, what about Child Protection Services?

You did the right thing with the bank account, no one would blame you for that and if she doesn't like it, remember she is a really sick woman. Please look after your kids as she might hurt them to hurt you.

I will certainly be thinking of you and I will include you in my prayers tonight.

God Bless You.

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 223
   Posted 6/8/2010 9:55 AM (GMT -6)   
You are living in what sounds like hell.  Please do not put your kids or yourself through it anymore.  I feel for her due to her illness, but if she will not get help or even try then get out.  Think really hard about how the children will treat their relationships when they get older, they may think this is normal and move right into a relationship like yours.  I had a mother like that and it was a very rough life, and I got into an unhealthy relationship and still am in it.  I am bp also so I can see that she needs some real help.  Make the right move, really think about you future.
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