Am I *THAT* unstable... or is it not really all my fault? Opinions please?

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SuthernBelle
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Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/9/2010 8:56 AM (GMT -7)   
ok so  Im trying to make a long story short , please bear with me :)
 
 I have recently moved in with my BF and we are re doing the house to make room for my kids who are moving in in a few weeks. (their dad has them for the summer) so BF tells me that he doesnt want me to lose my motivation bc I do fall into a slump sometimes... So he was pressuring me to get things in order here.  I bought bunkbeds for the kids, and moved all the furniture out of the office , large , HEAVY furniture, the computer, etc... It was hard to do by myself, but I felt like superwoman so I did it.   I put together the beds and it took me over 4 hours just to do that.  I cleaned out the enormous amounts of clutter, boxes , and junk , box it all up and put it in the garage, dusted , vacuumed , you name it , It got done yesterday. AND his laundry was done, the house was spotless, and  dinner was ready when he came home to top it all off.
 
So I told him that the desk was too heavy and was going to need his help moving it ( it is 300 pounds, and about 6 1/2 ft long)  BUT that is the only thing I didnt get done, and it was bc I couldnt not physically do it alone.  He agreed to help , and we couldnt get the thing out the door , it was too big and too heavy. So he got really frustrated.. making smart commetns , like " you should not have done any of this crap" " now look at what im having to do"  He had to take the door off the hinges to get the desk out of the office.  So we did that part... the desk fell on his foot and cut it real bad, and he was not happy.
 
So we get it into the room to set it up and it falls apart. Im getting yelled at bc the desk is falling apart, " you MUST have done something wrong, its falling apart, you must have taken out the wrong screws.  Hes underneath it , and Im trying my best to hold it up , it was so heavy , and hes yelling at me " YOU HAVE TO HOLD THE DA*N THING UP, CAN YOU HOLD IT PLEASE???"   I ignored it .... and I took as much as I could take. ...
 
At this time he was really hot and the air , for some reaon had not kicked on in a while.... so he goes to the thermostat and starts yelling " ITS 80 DEGREES IN THIS HOUSE, DONT YOU KNOW TO TURN THE THERMOSTAT DOWN??? "   THing is , I had been *TRYING* to get it to kick on for the past few hours , and it hadnt worked yet.... temp jsut kept on climbing....  I tried to tell him that , and he jsut kept on and on .... " Well you should have opened the windows, it should not be hotter in here than it is outside< dont you realize that???"
 
I LOST IT at this point..... I said you are on my last nerve! I cant do anything right and youre not going to yell at me ANYMORE.  I threw the screwdriver and told him to put the desk together by himself and SEE how far that got him!!!
 
SO we got into a huge fight after this ... I told him that I was not his mule, and that NOTHING gets done if i dont do it. I have rearranged his entire house, moved everything around , cleaned out everything .... I have done the work of ten men in the past few weeks.  And all I get is this.
 
I left .... I went to the store , bought a bottle of rum and sat in walmart parking lot and DRANK.  then he started calling ... asking me to come hom , that he was sorry ... etc etc .   I agreed to come home.    When I walked in , he hugged me , said he was sorry , and asked me to come eat something.  I sat on the couch , and I didnt say anything for awhile.
 
Then I got up and started to empty the dishwasher, and he made another smart comment....  He said " I dont understand , you tell me you want to do all these things with the house, then you depend on me to finish it when I get home from work"  WHAT?!?!?!   that is NOT true...  Not even in an alternate universe is that statement true!
 
I said it was a mistake to come home ... he said " yeah it was " So I left again .... with NO plans of returning.  I got a hotel room and I laid in bed and watched tv  all night.   He text me until 3 am beggin me to come home ...   H*LL NO   is all I kept saying. ....  
 
So , as bad as I hate to admit it ... Im back home now.... I guess i proved my point thought .... I jsut could NOT be around him last night.
 
He tells me im being "irrational " again bc I left and didnt come home .....

tortoise11
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   Posted 6/9/2010 10:51 AM (GMT -7)   

You are sure you want to move yourself - and your KIDS?! - into this mess?

Whether the issue is BP, him being a jerk, or both - that doesn't matter.  It will not spontaneously improve after you move in together.

My advice:  Leave.  Run away.  You are better and stronger than this.  I don't care WHAT the reason for these arguments are - this is not right.

I would guess the issue for this particular fight was him feeling like he was losing some of himself with you messing with "his" stuff - even if he suggested it or said it was OK.  But that is NO EXCUSE.

Love does not yell, love does not blame.  Love handles conflicts with understanding and patience.  Love does not fight.

Are you SURE that he actually loves YOU.  Or does he just love how powerful he feels when he knows that you need him?


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/9/2010 11:59 AM (GMT -7)   
There is something that I failed to mention.... He has aspergers... and THAT is the reason why he gets so stressed , and he CANNOT cope with anything being out of his "routine" which means if things dont follow a specific pattern... and there is an upset , he loses it...
 
Yes he loves me ... trust me :)
 
He was being a jerk! I didnt handle it well either , I admit...  He has admitted his flaws and asked for the same patience that he gives to me ... I jsut have a HARD time giving patience the way he does....
 
 
**I would guess the issue for this particular fight was him feeling like he was losing some of himself with you messing with "his" stuff -**
 
Nah , its the inability to deal with things that dont go right... Thats all . He tells me this is my home and he dont care what I do with it .. to paint the walls pink if I want lol ...
 
I suppsoe I need to learn more about the aspergers and how to deal with it .... He does it for me with BP
 
He just REALLY hurt my feelings last night .

happy bill
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   Posted 6/9/2010 1:27 PM (GMT -7)   
 
   You know, when you have heat, moving into a new house, new situations, and mental disorders, than you have to expect some bumps along the way. If everything went completely smooth and easy i would be scared. LOL LOL LOL  You have to expect that moving in together is going to be a high level of stress, as will when the kids come to live with you.
 
  Like you said he was a jerk and you wernt perfect either. Let it go and work together to make this new life together. It will fight you and give you fits but in the end you will be better for the experience especially if this works out well for you and you two have a successful life together.
 
  Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


tortoise11
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   Posted 6/9/2010 1:40 PM (GMT -7)   
"he CANNOT cope with anything being out of his "routine" which means if things dont follow a specific pattern"

Not to be a downer, but seriously!!! How can that work out for you guys? Assuming you are like the average BP - routine might stick with you for 2 weeks. Can he really adjust to your continuously changing mood pattern/sleep pattern/activity pattern?

If you run away every time you have a fight, what are you teaching your children??! And if you actually need to leave, you have to take the kids with...

So are you going to pack up your kids and leave over every fight? Will that affect your custody agreement?
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


SuthernBelle
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Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/9/2010 1:58 PM (GMT -7)   

Great questions tortiose

 

I am certainly in need of some self discipline when it comes to fighting fair. I cant leave everytime . an no i wouldnt do that with my kids around.

 

I need to get to a pdoc  ASAP to deal with my own issues , and in my opinion , BF needs to go with me....

 

"he CANNOT cope with anything being out of his "routine" which means if things dont follow a specific pattern"

Not to be a downer, but seriously!!! How can that work out for you guys? Assuming you are like the average BP - routine might stick with you for 2 weeks. Can he really adjust to your continuously changing mood pattern/sleep pattern/activity pattern?

 

You know whats strange?  Everytime I go loopy.. whatever that may mean at the time.. he is the calm one... understanding , and he always gets me through it.. So its not really that type thing that bothers him... It silly little things ... such as the nature of aspergers.... 

The computer freezes up and he cant fix it : His solution > banging his fists on the desk and screaming at the computer

The put ketchup on his sandwich at Burger king : He throws it down and screams " I dont want this" " its not what I asked for"

Childish fits over NOTHING.... but the big things ... esp when its MY problems, he is calm ,  strong and supportive...

 

(?) Shrug ....

 

 


mogli
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   Posted 6/9/2010 4:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Your very first post described my life. I felt that your bf was majorly putting you down. And that is a serious no no, no matter what the circumstances. He may have his own illness to deal with, but to treat you like dirt is really awful.

I am starting to wonder about abuse again. The yelling at me when I have a panic attack etc. is pretty abusive in my opinion. I wish I had the courage to speak up so the situation could be resolved.

I have this to say: Bf knew I was BP when we moved in together 4 years ago. I thought it would be rough some days. I had no idea this many years later, things would be this bad. I am stuck b/c I won't speak up for myself and so I'm just little in this huge nightmare.

I would really think about moving in together since you both have these illnesses to cope with. I am wondering if you've ever had therapy together to help understand each other better and what to do when you face day to day situations. Can the move be pushed back (probably not), until you are sure?

I wish you both all the best. I agree with how tortoise described love.....I need to take that in.....

Take care,
Mogs.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


SuthernBelle
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Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/9/2010 6:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs...
 
FIRST of all>>>>
 
HUGS to you....
 
I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 9 years.. DO NOT suffer through that!!!
 
 
 
PLEASE listen to me ... I have been there ... It was a difficult thing to get out ... took me years ... but I did it ! ... Please dont duffer through that and DONT think for one min that you deserve that abuse.
 
If you want to email me , you can at HeatherNicolems@aol.com   I am VERY familiar with your situation.    I have been there and done that!   If you need to talk with someone that understands and has been there . I am here.
 
 

tortoise11
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   Posted 6/9/2010 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Heather, if he supports you through your BP, then maybe you need to go with him to his pdoc/tp (does he have either?) and learn to support him, if you are able.

If it is going to work out, healthy boundaries is the way to go.  I still would say hold off on moving in and learn to manage this with less stress and more space.

There is an awsome book titled "Boundaries"  check it out - great advice.  From a religious POV, but even if you don't agree with the religon part, it still has a LOT of value!


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


SuthernBelle
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Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/10/2010 5:15 AM (GMT -7)   

He doesnt have a Dr.   He has seen someone twice through his employment assistance pgrm at work , but thats it...

And I do agree that my kids arent moving here until I get this all straight... I am leaving tomorrow to go back to MS to spend a week with them ...for now...

He admits his faults, and last night was pretty rough... no fighting , just him trying to figure out what to do from here... All he keeps saying is he wants to/ and will do anything to make me happy.... I told him a few things that upset me.. not in the best way but they came out...   I woke up at 4 am and he was still downstairs bc he couldnt sleep.

Im losing the best thing that ever happened to me ... I am trying to be honest in telling him what the issues are...

I seem to have so many.... and alot of them really have nothign to do with him.... It all sort of ties in together though...

 

Thanks for the book suggestion.. I will look for it today, will give me something to read on the plane tomorrow!

Thanks :)


SuthernBelle
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Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/10/2010 7:37 AM (GMT -7)   
well I wrote and told him I was sorry and that we could get through this , and this was his response :

I love you too. I am skeptical now of how deep your feelings are. You act like you do not even like me let alone love. I even said as much last night.


I do believe WE can get through anything. The problem is ... You often become just YOU and when that happens, there is no "WE". I made a mistake the other day. I have apologized and said I would work on things. I just kept getting attacked. Over and over about everything out of the blue. And you are not honest. Nothings wrong you said a few times. Even getting pissed at me for asking. And then BOOM.

There are many things I can deal with. You running away is not one of them. Feeling alone with you is also not one. I can not feel like I'm under attack in my own house.

My honest answer is that I would do anything. I just do not know if I can make you happy. I can not take the vicious and sarcastic attacks. I make mistakes. I do not deserve to be talked to like that.

Im not sure what else I should do now.... I want to make thigns better , But Im not sure how....

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/10/2010 12:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I jsut had a thought!   Maybe it IS me....
 
well ,  maybe *alot* of it is me.... 
 
I am new to the BP thing.. and I dont really know what it is that Im feeling alot of the time. Or how I can rapidly switch my thoughts or feelings on any given subject , at any given time.  I feel bored ALOT,  maybe a better word is restless... that leads to agitation... then I create drama... or I drink , then create drama, which is always worse.
 
Today I felt literally exhausted... like its a task to go to the mailbox without getting out of breath...  I got a few things done ... mopped the floors etc ... did some laundry...  Listened to music.  Im leaving tomorrow to go back to MS for a week and Im not even packed yet... and I dont feel like doing it...
 
Is it natural for BP to cause boredom... or is it depression...  I feel really strange today... flat like... but Im fixing to go to the store and get a red bull and a 5 hour energy drink and see if that helps....  I hate this feeling :( and im so afraid i will be  feeling worse tomorrow...

tortoise11
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   Posted 6/10/2010 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   

Yes - feeling withdrawn and "flat" is a pretty good sign of mild depression.

DO NOT HAVE CAFFIENE.  I can't imagine your pdoc would not tell you this.  Caffiene + bipolar is a dangerous combination.  Caffiene will speed mood cycling and make it more severe.  In addition, over time, caffiene affects the bipolar more strongly.

I didn't believe my pdocs about caffiene.  Now I am at a point where if I were to have one-EIGHTH of a can of Red Bull, I might as well start driving to the hospital. 

I have lots more to say, but my SO is home now, so later.  :)

 


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


SuthernBelle
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Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/10/2010 3:31 PM (GMT -7)   

WOW

 

please share more about the caffiene when you get a chance... For the past few years I have drank at least a pot of coffe a day , and at least a 12 pack of diet coke per week.. and now I drink less coffee ( about 2 cups a day) but I have two red bull and at least one or two 5 hour energy every day.

 

That could be alot of my problem!


tortoise11
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Date Joined Jan 2010
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   Posted 6/10/2010 5:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Diet coke was my weakness too.  :)  It does come in a caffiene-free variety.  I pulled up a short article for you to read, and explore the topic more if you are interested.
 
 
 
"I love you too. I am skeptical now of how deep your feelings are. You act like you do not even like me let alone love. I even said as much last night."
 
BP can cloud the boundary between what is real and not.  Temporary mood is hard to distinquish from permanent reality.  It is important for you to know the difference so you don't say/do/make decisions you will regret.

"I do believe WE can get through anything. The problem is ... You often become just YOU and when that happens, there is no "WE". I made a mistake the other day. I have apologized and said I would work on things. I just kept getting attacked. Over and over about everything out of the blue. And you are not honest. Nothings wrong you said a few times. Even getting pissed at me for asking. And then BOOM. "
 
This is something for both of you to work on.  He needs to understand that nothing is wrong - until it is!  My XDH thought I was constantly brooding and dwelling on things - he didn't realize my anger could be full-blown so quickly. 
 
You need to be able to accept fault while explaining that it isn't dishonesty, but a change in mood/POV.

"There are many things I can deal with. You running away is not one of them. Feeling alone with you is also not one. I can not feel like I'm under attack in my own house."
I totally support his statement.  I think if you looked at the situation as an impartial observer you would too.  Fixing this requires making a plan for fighting.  Practice it.  Learn to fight fair.  Learn to disagree and resolve without arguing.  Really - PRACTICE it.  Agree to have a space that he'll leave you alone.  I use a spare bedroom in the basement for sewing and crafts (keeps hypomanic mess and madness out of the rest of the house!!!) - that is my place to go if I need a "time out" - and there is a bed if I want to sleep there.

"My honest answer is that I would do anything. I just do not know if I can make you happy. I can not take the vicious and sarcastic attacks. I make mistakes. I do not deserve to be talked to like that."
 
He needs to understand HE CANNOT MAKE YOU HAPPY.  He must stop.  You must respect him - attacks are NOT allowed.
 
"Im not sure what else I should do now.... I want to make thigns better , But Im not sure how...."
 
I'm glad you posted.  It makes it pretty clear to me that he has NO IDEA how to understand or support you!  He doesn't understand what is going on in your mind, so he is perceiving it as dishonesty and disrespect (ouch!!).  That cuts deeply!
 
I don't know what happened with that fight - it soulnds like he has issues and needs support also.  But as far as what he replied to you - most of that stuff is in your court.
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


mogli
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Date Joined Mar 2006
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   Posted 6/11/2010 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey SuthernBelle,

Thank you for the hugs and hugs for you too. And thank you for reaching out to me, it means a lot.

I should explain my abuse comment. I may be a bit off using that term....

I too was in a terribly abusive/alcoholic relationship years ago and I left and never looked back. With current bf, I guess it brings those feelings back when he is yelling at me during a panic attack or being depressed. He has never called me a name or He has never put me down; None of those things. he just yells at me when we get into these fights over my symtpoms. And that feels abusive to me.

I know I need to speak up. I have written an email and I dont know a good time to give it to him. If I give it to him now, it will create this huge fight (and I don't have the energy for that)......

Anyway, I know the yelling at me is a very bad thing and I really need to speak up.

 

I hope your situation has improved? You're in a tough spot and I am thinking of you....I will post later, at work right now.

 

Thanks again :)

 


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


horse crazy
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Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/11/2010 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Suthern Belle and Mogs...
First of all, to Suthern Belle. I have worked a lot with Aspergers kids and adults and know how quickly they can go into meltdown mode when things go wrong or their routine is messed. When this happens, you either have to walk away (tske a time out) or monitor (silently what is going on. DO NOT get involved. This is nothing about you...it is his asbergers kicking in, just like if youwere having a symptom of BP. Because both of you have a mental health issue that can be volitable...when things are going good...both of you sit down and write up a battle plan (basically setting boundaries). You need to take both sides into account. I agree with tortoise....you cannot keep leaving. In drawing boundaries figure out what can work for both of you instead of running...like a time out and taking a walk or driving to a park and hanging out there, but the whole key is?/F knows you are taking a time-out and in a agreed upon time, you return and you guys try to sanely discuss the problem. Each of you are responsiible for dealing with your won symptoms....don't try to fix each other. Nad SUthern Belle, again tortoise is right...you B/F cannot mkae you happy that has to come in within you. You have to like yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin...and then the happiness in the relationship will follow. If you can, consider some counseling to come to grips with the idea you have a very difficult disease
Mogs...I hope you have told your BF that yelling scares you, because it triggers previous abuse. DOn't point the finger at him, but just tell him as simplyand non-threatening as to how is yelling affects you. It bothered me that he seems to be yelling at symptoms you have which usually are out of your control. Is he reaaly been educated on BP and anxiety disorders. Myabe he could go to a pdoc appointment with you (let the pdoc know in advance. You mentioned joint counseling to Suthern Belle with kind of wishful thing. Have you condered it for you two, or even just for you so you don't feel so "lillte" in the situation and can learn ways to speak up. Lots of big hugs to you.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


mogli
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Date Joined Mar 2006
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   Posted 6/12/2010 7:57 AM (GMT -7)   
horse crazy,

We are so lucky to have your sound advice on this board. And we are all so lucky to have each other for support.

A long time ago (a couple years ago) I used to tell bf that the yelling brought back the pain and emphasized clearly that I knew he was not "him". But he still got furious anytime I expressed my feelings about it. He would yell at me telling me how dare I compare him to my ex, even though I clearly explained that wasn't the case. So I don't bring that up anymore. When he yells, I simply ask him to stop in a very calm voice.

There have also been times when I have yelled because I feel like I am being attacked.

As far as my illness and symptoms go, I give up trying to explain how I am feeling. He has not educated himself, and I can't force him too. Pdoc won't do a joint appointment b/c my pdoc is actually supposed to be strictly an emerg consult pdoc (stepping stone to refer to other pdocs...he still has a few regular patients....I am among them) so that is not an option. Couple's counselling might be my next step. I am certain that we would not go, but I want to mention it to him so he know how serious things are. Not that that will accomplish anything. Pretty much I am at a loss. I honestly don't see us lasting anymore.

Due to all of this, I am pulling away from him more and more each day. I am in counselling, and it is not going very well b/c she does most of the talking. And really she would just make all of the suggestions that you have made and that I already think about....

Anyway, SuthernBelle, I hope things are going well for you. And horse crazy, thanks again for reaching out.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


horse crazy
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Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/12/2010 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Mogs...
You sound so sad and defeated, but I guess those are pretty normal feelings when you feel your relationship is on the skida. I do know this---for a couple to survive when one is BP, it is absolutely necessary that they understand the disorder so they don't take mood swings and depression personally and offer the BP partner support. Not take care of them...just let them know they understand. The "stuff" I say on the board comes from 2 sources: me as a pretty nutty BP person and me as a professional counselor. However, when I am session with a client, I talk very little...just kind of nudge my client along. I never ever want a client to leave my office with having still a lot of things unsaid on her part, because I know a client waits sometimes anxiously to talk to me and needs to talk. It is not good if you leave your sessions frustrated. Many times the ultimatum of going to couples counseling either shakes up the SO into realizing how serious you are or he might blow you off, which sort of gives you an idea that he is pushing all the work of fixing the relationship on you....not fair at all. From what you say, I don't think this is a very healthy relationship for you, but it is my experience someone will know when they are "done." and then be ready to take action. You know, I have been married 41 years, and it took YEARS for my hubby to come to terms with me being BP. It has disrupted our marriage many times, but now he is pretty much a partner as far as the BP goes. He doesn't get overly involved, but sort of helps me monitor myself when I am out of wack, or gets me to my pdoc when I am stubbornly refusing to go. But for the most part he expects me to take responsibility for my illness ( and I do)...he just knows when to step in. You deserve someone who will do that for you and never put you down for being BP.
Now this takes a bit of courage, but next time you see your counselor and you are not being heard, just nicely interupt her and tell her this time you need to talk and her listen. If she is any kind of counselor she will not be offended and should honor your request. You have things you need to say and feelings you need to express. Think of it this way...you are paying her...you are the consumer and deserve to get what you pay for. I have been called to task many times over the years by clients and you know what, they are usually right. Keep in touch....I really want to know how things go for you.
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


SuthernBelle
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Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/14/2010 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Greetings from Mississippi :)
 
Sorry I havent responded , but Ive been here with my kids for the past few days... ahving a freat time , and spending time with my family ... Really been needing that...
 
Things are going well with BF... we talked about it , and agreed to the time out thing ... he said he understands that I need to get away from conflict when it happens , and has no issue letting me leave for awhile (like an hour or so ) to chill out.... Which thats is usually what I do ... jsut get in my car and drive , listen to the radio etc... calms me down...
 
we jsut got into a lil tizzy a few min ago .... the BF and I ....   Over something silly ....
 
I just signed up for my resp therapy classes at a local university and its costing me 40k in student loans , and I have a 500 dollar car pmt, and three kids ... and I was talking to my kids this afternoon and they were very excited about the move to our new place and saying how they wanted to take gymnastics, and cheer classes etc ....   And the whole time they are talking , I am adding up these expenses in my head...  And also thinking WHERE on earth am I going to find the time .. with full time colllege and part time job , to take three kids to all their activities... .So I text BF and said you know , it wouldnt be such a bad idea for me to put the college thing off for a while and get a real job.
 
I jsut took a part time hostess job at TGI fridays , and I start as soon as I get back next week.... And I suppose I was overwhelmed at the moment I text him ... so he gets all upset with me about it ... saying " youre always changing your mind and plans" What changed from three weeks ago ??" I said because I really dont know if we can make it!  he kept saying over and over " I DONT understand what changed"   and getting all annoyed with me . I said DANG I am worried about it THATS ALL . He said well I am paying all the bills and you just buy the groceries and we will be fine.   But he was still " I dont know what changed , I dont understand "  I said It is NOT that flippin hard to understand ... 
 
But as I think about the conversation ... and what was said about aspergers in an earlier post... I realize where I went wrong... I totally went in the opposite direction of the plan we already had .... But my Gosh , I was ONLY thinking how it woud be easier to have a full time real job , making a real income , rather than pocket money ....
 
I really need to learn how to approach him I suppose...
 
 

SuthernBelle
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 94
   Posted 6/14/2010 2:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Mogs,


I do have the same issue you do with being to sensitive , I guess you could call it , when bf raises his voice , or criticizes any little thing... it does bring back memories of the abuse, and its not really his fault....

BF does the same thing to me , about my symptoms.... He doesnt yell ... but he has a very stern voice and when hes angry it gives me the chills....

I guess everythign is a work in progress :)

((HUGS))

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/14/2010 8:24 PM (GMT -7)   

Yea - txting was probably not the best way to bring that one up.  :)

Us BP-ers can make big decisions quickly - for better or worse!  I call my journal my "little book of major life changes"  LOL 

Ease him along.  Write out your thoughts.  They come in a logical sequence, but once you get to the end, it can be hard to retrace!  Take him through the natural progression of your thoughts.

Include him.  Instead of saying "I'm going to...", try "I'm thinking about ..., what do you think?"

Respect the current plan.  Acknowledge it.  "I'm really happy with our plan to..., but I am really concerned about .... .  I think if we did ... "

Yes, this has somewhat to do with Aspergers, but a heckofalot to do with basic RESPECT too.

I do miss freedom to make those big decisions without considering anyone else.  But overall -- it's worth it.  :)


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/15/2010 2:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey SuthernBelle,

Thanks for the hugs, can always use those....sending them back your way :)

I am pretty depressed today; so apologies for the short jumbled reply.

Your situation again I can relate to. I have made decisions in my life and then change my mind and bf really struggles to understand why. I think that is just another example of what education for this illness does. Decision making is a huge obstacle for us a lot of the times. Having trouble making decisions is a symptom; or it can be. I am not saying this was a symptom for you..but it is for me.

I hope that he understands your reasons, which are extremely valid, for chaning your plan....

Anyway, as I said, depressed today, so I will end this now, but so glad you posted an update, keep posting!

Mogs.
Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day

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