Thank you both so much. Today is the same. So depressed I don't want to go on.
I don't know how I got here to work and I don't know how on earth I am going to be able to stay here today, but I have to....
I am going to try to keep myself busy, but it's hard b/c I can't concentrate and my motivation is nil.
Anyway, warning: I may post again today; again you guys are the ones who get it. I may call crisis if I need to as well...
UGH....thought I would post in the same thread, since today has been so awful. I still have two hours left of work. This day has lasted forever. I feel like it should now be Wednesday at least.
Still depressed; much worse here at work. That really gets me b/c for years I worked in call centers which totally stressed me out, burned me out etc. I never thought I would survive it. When I quit the last one I was in and decided to go back to school for Medical Office Assistant, I had no idea I would end up here at the hospital working for three psychiatrists. I am very proud of myself, but hate that I drag myself through everyday. I hate that I am still suffering. If I really think about it though...this job does not carry the same stress level (that's a plus) and it pays way beyond any wage I've ever made. I have been thinking a lot lately how lucky I am to have this job and how I want to hang onto it no matter what. I want this to be my 30 year career!
I know for a fact that the Mirapex is just not helping. So that has me even more down. I can't tolerate most of the meds out there, so I am contemplating being on just the Lamictal??? Although I have serious doubts that will work.... I have been on everything and am not allowed to be on antidepressants. I have no idea what I am going to do. Three more weeks until I see pdoc. Might move that up...
Relationship w bf is just a big fat question mark to me. I know the Mirapex is affecting my sex drive; but I also don't want any interpersonal contact between us. I am just pulling further and further away....there are multiple reasons.
Okay, I can't even hold my head up here at work. I'm going to close my door and put my head down. WOW I need to be at home....
Sorry guys, thanks for letting me vent...
Sorry to hear you are having a bad day. It really comes through your posts that you are stressed and confused about your relationship. That is so hard!
Ugh, I am at work. I don't know how. I can barely move, type or keep my head up. I am desperate for a mental health day but can't afford any more sick time.
My relationship. Here is what I think: There are issues between us. But! He is overall a wonderful guy who I can trust to never betray me and to love me a lot. He really does love me a lot. I have been the one who is pushing him away. Sure during times when I am depressed and anxious, we struggle. But I think since I'm depressed most of the time, I am looking at it not necessarily in the right way. I'll explain: He does comfort me sometimes when I am ill. Other times he does not, and the times that he yells at me, well that is wrong. I do need to talk to him about it when we are not fighting. But for the most part it's in between. He's not really comforting me and he's not yelling at me. I just feel the way I feel, and he is just there probably not even knowing what is going on inside of me. I think the biggest thing for me is this depression. I am going to call pdoc and have my 3 week appointment moved up. The depression is causing me to pull as far away from him as I can. But when I think of life without him, (and this thinking is through the thick fog in my brain) I can't imagine him not being my partner. WOW, I can't believe I managed just now to sort all of that out.
Okay so now I am even more exhausted than I was when I got to work less than an hour ago.
Thanks for posting and wish me luck getting through this day. I honestly feel that I am going to be on the phone with crisis today.