How can this be?

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slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 6/16/2010 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I just don't know how I can feel so unhappy! I am on enough meds to kill a small horse! I just don't get it.
 
It is like I am cycling so fast im up im down I am happy I am sad it changes minuet by minuet. I feel guilty. I can not aswer the phone because I do not want to talk to anyone! I even quit Facebook. I just don't want to see everyone elses life be perfect in so many ways and mine be so screwed up!
 
I have been getting like 2 hours of sleep at night and then wake up and think and think. I just can't keep doing this!!!!! Then durring the day I fall apart when my son is in school I think of all the things that I have missed in his life. How I have been mean and out of control with him. How could I be like that with a little boy? I love him so much but treat him so bad sometimes. He dosent understand me. He knows that I love him but I can see the hurt in his eyes.
 
My husband is a sweet man and I am so glad I found him! I do the same thing to him yell and get upset at the stupidist things. He has put up with my crap for so many years that I would have been gone by now. He and I have been talking alot lately about my illness and I think he is trying to understand but he doesn't get it. No one can if you are not living it.
 
Thing have not turned out the way I have wanted them to. I always thought as a little girl that I would find my prince and live happily ever after. Ha!!! So much for that!!! I wish that I would and could have followed my dreams but with my learning disability, anxity, and bipolar that has all stopped me. I see people on this board who are happy and living happy and productive lives with the help of meds and yes they all have bad days like the rest of us. I just don't see an end in sight.
 
I see my t today and last week he told me that I want to get better. What is he talking about does he think that I like to live this way. I like my new t. This is the second t this year because my lawyer suggested him for ssdi he is good through and he gets the job done. If my imparments are in my way he will fight for me in any way he can. I believe that he has proven that to me so far. I just want real help. Not pill pushers I want help in making my life more comfortable.
 
I am also having financial problems because I am not working. I dont see that situation changing any time soon. I can not do it right now! I can't get out of bed or can't get enough sleep to function!! I can not keep my emotions in check so how can I deal with the outside world. I just wonder is there any hope? Is this ever going to stop the cycling? I am depressed, irrtable, and anxious all at the same time. OHHH this is a bad one. Last summer it was bad but I think this is going to get worse if I do not have action taken now but I can not go to the pdr for another month because I am a new pt.
 
Today is such a hopeless day. I have wasted it like I have many others and then feel guilty after it is over. What am I to do?
 
Just need someone to hear me out he may understand where I am comming from because no one can understand unless you have experinced it.
 
SLZ

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/16/2010 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi slz,
 
Oh my... wink wink
 
I am wondering if you have ever tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) at all before? There are different ways to do it for yourself. I did some in support groups that I attended at the hospital, but now that I've done those, I buy books (or borrow from the library) that have CBT in them.
 
I can look some up later and post them....I'm at work right now. There is actually a CBT Thread on the Depression forum right now as well....
 
But I really think you need to keep yourself busy and when I am doing my CBT with my books it is a distraction and it feels productive. It is extremely helpful when it comes to me feeling guilty about certain things in my life because these books are compassionate to what we go through and they are encouraging to try and cope at our own pace. It's very comforting and useful I think.
 
Having said all of that. I am so depressed today that I should be doing some CBT but because I am at rock bottom, it is sooo hard for me to concentrate right now. But I am wanting to get back to practicing it again. It helps you figure out what is really going on and how to deal with it.
 
You are blaming yourself WAY too much. And as far as dreams go; I accomplished one of mine when I NEVER thought I would. I suffer greatly with panic and anxiety disorder/bp (and although I don't have a learning disability, when the depression takes over, I feel like I can't learn a thing). So you never know what is possible for yourself, we really underestimate ourselves....
 
I can relate to the facebook thing. It upsets me when I look at others with over the top wonderful lives...it makes me sad.
 
Um, so about the sleep thing. You NEED to be getting a stable good night's sleep. I don't know if you can talk to pdoc about this...I have to take something at night b/c like you I rapid cycle and if I don't sleep, it's a nightmare....My pdoc stresses to me over and over and over again that in this illness sleep is the most important thing for us to feel as well as we can the next day. And I believe this very strongly.
 
Meds? Sigh...I hear ya on this too. My meds don't seem to be doing anything....
 
So that is why I say look into the CBT, kind of some self help for yourself for when you are feeling all over the place...it's therapy for yourself on top of the therapy you're getting professionaly....Sorry if I've laid to much info on ya.
 
I'm extremely depressed today, so if none of this makes sense and is all over the place, my apologies....
 
Take it easy you!
Mogs


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 6/16/2010 12:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you mogs! I will look at the libary website and see what I can find. At first I thought it sad a CBT like to have my blood drawn. LOL So anyway I feel like on here peope under stand and want to help you and thank you so much. I hope that the depression goes away soon. That is a terrible thing to go through I know been down that road many of times.

SLZ

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 6/16/2010 2:29 PM (GMT -7)   
slz727

There is a book called "the new mood therapy", aka "feeling good". By a doctor burns. It is really good cbt therapy and easy to read. Look for it on the internet. I found it for 8.00. And the shipping was cheap too.
 
There is also a free website called http://moodgym.anu.eu/welcome

Hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 6/16/2010 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank You I will ck it out Karen.

SLZ

happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/16/2010 7:40 PM (GMT -7)   
For what its worth, im sorry you had a bad day. Know this for sure, there are better days ahead. I have learned with this desease that it is a race for life, and there will be both good days and bad, and many just ok. Just do your best to get thru the bad ones and you will soon learn to really appreciate the good ones.

Here is a Hug for you,.

Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/16/2010 8:59 PM (GMT -7)   
SLZ - It's easy to be jealous of something you can only see 1/2 of the story on.  I know I have it pretty good for being BP.  But I can't work, I can't stay in school.  My list of "can'ts" is long and depressing and I am ANGRY that I don't get a chance at having a happy ending like everyone else that I know.
 
I have to consciously work through my anger, disappointment, grief, and JEALOUSY.  It comes in waves.
 
A good BP life is still... just another imperfect life.  I hear you that you're in a hard spot now.  Other stories sound pretty d*mn good to you right now.  Just remember that they're not perfect lives, and your rough place is not permanent.
 
(((hug)))
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 6/16/2010 10:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Guys

I just want to ssy that I went to t today and he doesnt think I am bipolar yet. Well I am up at 1 am after sleeping for 2 and1/2 hours and want to take on the world. Ha not bipolar just wait and see what I can do. I feel realy evil right now. That is what happens when I am coming out of a depressed state and working myself into a hypo manic happens every time.

I guess he just pissed me off because of the statment and the reason he dosent believe it is because I don't do drugs!!! Of all the stupid reasons. I used to do them and drink but turned my life around during my pregnancy and for a few monts after and then the party drinking came back. Until I relized I do not want my son to see me like this. But then I turned around and treated him like s**t untill I started my meds and it got better.

Well we shall see because my husband is going with me at my next appointment weather he likes or not because he has to live with me and he know what is up. I like my t but I feel like after 3 sesions of not seeing me in action dosent mean that there is nothing lieing under neath. Does any one agree?

SLZ

mogli
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 6/17/2010 4:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey slz, hope you are better today.

As far as your diagnosis, if it were me....I would only trust that part in the hands of a psychiatrist. My counsellor or therapist as far as I am concerned is not qualified to diagnosis me or anyone. I am not sure what kind of therpist you see....maybe a psychologist? Even so, I would still leave it up to a pdoc. The other thing is, this person has only seen you for 3 sessions??? Hmmmm and with all that you've been posting about here.....I am not sure this person is correct???? But I 'm not a psychiatrist either, wink


Mogs
 
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
Clonazepam .5mg as neededMethoprazine 12 mg/day, Mirapex working up to 2.25 mg/day, Lamictal 400mg/day


slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 6/17/2010 5:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank Mogs,

Never realy thought of it before in the same turms you put it. He is not a person who can dx me and he is a t not a phycatrist. Also I am not completly comfortable with him yet. I have a hard time with sharing my feeling at first but get better as time goes on. He is making me keep a journal and walk 3x per week. This in its self is good no other t has ever asked me to do this. I knew that I should but never thought about it but if they were not going to look at it then why do it? Then I would forget what I was going to say.! Could have read it to them i guess. Any way I am rambling.

I am so glad that you are supporting me by writing to me it makes me feel less lonely. Oh yeah and I can write on here and share my feeling because I know people have gone through this and I do not have to meet you face to face. I most likely would not talk at all. Pesky Agraphobia.


SLZ

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/17/2010 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Make sure you tell the truth - even the parts that hurt and are embarassing.  I didn't get BPII dx until after hospitalized.  Before that, it was cyclothemia, "bipolar-like disorder", primary panic disorder, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and "possible eating disorder"

  rolleyes

I hindered my care by not telling the truth about the severity of my depressive episodes.  I won't repeat the mistake again.


Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder


slz727
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 216
   Posted 6/17/2010 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Yeah I know that you have to tell the truth and I have been so far I just need to get a little more comfortable to tel him one kind of big thing and it is lies that I have told. I can make up some good ones. I don't know what that will have to do with my therapy it is just people that I make up and tell others that they exist. Stupid huh? I can be very convincing but I dont want him to think that I will lie to him at the same time. I do this to keep people from knowing the real me. Is that strang or unusual? I don't know and never will if I don't talk about it but at the same time the other t's that I have talked to about it act like it is no big deal.

I want my husband to be with me when I see the pdr but he will say something about a family member that dosent exist and I was told to leave it alone not to tell him because it is a stupid thing to ruin my marrage over and I agree. I do not talk about this person any more but I said that the died by suicid and so he belives that it is a family problem. It took me almost 5 years to tell my one t about it. It is so embarrasing to tell people that you make people up in your mind.

If any of you have ever done this and read the post let me know how to stop it and never have my husbad bring it up again.


SLZ

tortoise11
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2896
   Posted 6/17/2010 4:57 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't think you are ever in too deep to tell the truth. I have a great friend that started out on an internet chatroom years ago. Some of her story hurt her so much, she made up an alternate reality - she "adopted" part of her twin sister's life.

She was totally convinced that telling me the truth would end our friendship, but it didn't! I have so much respect for her for the courage to tell the truth. 8 years later we are still close.
Bipolar 2
Borderline Personality Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Panic Disorder

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