Cateyes. Men shutting down and becoming cold and methodical is a defense mechanism we use to handle things that are out of our depth. I've seen it on the fireground when something very bad has happened. I have employed it myself concerning my wife when we are having troubles. Its just something that we do, how we are hard wired, not really a concious thought at all.
I'm also in teh same boat as you (Is this a BP condition?) I also give everything of myself only to have it seemingly thrown back in my face. I have to suck it up when she makes mistakes and i'm not allowed to say anything about that but boy let me make a mistake and she is all over me like a dog on a ham bone.
Plus we as BP people can move mountains, however we also need more care, love, tenderness, than normal people. We acutely feel the lack of things we need, and "normal" people cant seem to understand that this isnt a "want" Its a "need", just like food and water and air to breathe.
ANd no, i dont think a family of BP people is doomed to failure. Sure you two have to watch things more closely than normal people do. But in the end you can give your children the understanding that they will need to grow up and manage this condition.
Is he perfect? Nope, not by along shot. But then neither are you. But are you perfect for each other? Thats the big question. Do i think you should take a chance on him, yes. You seem to have a real conection that only us special people can understand (a good side of BP) Once connected we can go years without seeing the other person then when we see them its like no time at all has passed. Don;t get me wrong, this will be alot of work on your part and his. But if you can get past the history that was bad and start to make some history together that is good then you have a real chance of making a life together.
As allways we are here to listen and help you out. Lord knows i'm going to need to vent real soon. LOL LOL LOL