saying goodbye when you don't want to

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Cateyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 6/19/2010 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
I thought I was doing a good thing and suddenly realize who am I what am I. Where do I begin is there truely a begining in life or an end or is it pain? I just recieved my things from an amazing man today that I said goodbye to for my children and his child to I guess. I walked into his life like a lightening streak and I guess disappeared like one to. He was my soul mate if I ever found one. We were best friends, but don't even best friends have an arguement once in awhile. This is traggic for me because I feel so much more than most people. I know I am different why am I being pleaged.
Bi-polar, Adhd, Anxiety disorder, PTSD with a child with ADHD BIPOLAR Anxiety


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/19/2010 9:53 PM (GMT -7)   
 
  Im sorry Cateyes, im so very sorry. Are you ok? What happened? If you can post or send me an email and let me help you there.
 
   HUGS Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/19/2010 11:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Cateyes...
So much pain and it sounds like you are feeling every ounce of it. I will ask the same question Bill asked: Are you OK?? Honest?? I wish I had a magic wand to wave and make things OK for you. Sadly, you have to work this out yourself but do not ofrget the people on the forum are here ready to listen and offer support. If you can't handle what is going on, please find a counselor to talk to. Keep posting
Horse Crazy
Bi-polarII; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


Cateyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 6/20/2010 12:01 AM (GMT -7)   
No I am not ok this hurts like hell and most days I wish I were dead than have to feel this way. I love my children and I know thier pain from being different and I do sympathize with them every minute but at the same time why the hell did god make me this way. I found someone that I loved and can't be with because of my past choices and the fact that I am different and I have passed different on to them [my choldren]. So right now I am sailing through life in a haze wondering WHY I HAD TO BE DIFFERENT and not normal like the rest of this Freakin planet. I feel like I can't breathe because everyone wants me to do the right thing and be where they want me to be and with who they want me to be with. Frustrated with life and yes I would talk to a counselor if I thought that would help but even I can't figure me out much less someone picking my brain to death about why I did this or that. I can't even make sense of giving up my very best friend for my children and walking through life miseriable because I can't breathe anymore.
Bi-polar, Adhd, Anxiety disorder, PTSD with a child with ADHD BIPOLAR Anxiety


horse crazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 199
   Posted 6/20/2010 12:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Cateyes...
If you can't remember anything else right now...breathe. Try hard as you can to take a deep breath. I can;t quite tell for sure from your post so if I am off the mark, I am sorry, but it seems what happened was messed up with others thought, your concern for your kids....and somehow you were evastated in the process. And don't know how to sort out the mess or pick up the pieces. I have many times, woken in the morning and dreaded the day ahead, and often walked thru the day in a daze and in pain. Something a lot of times other people can't see and you end up feeling very alone. Days like that even if I manage to get thru 5 minutes at a time, eventually the day does end and you have survived....barely maybe. A good ocunselor does not "pick your brain"...a good one listens,hears your pain lets you use up a box of kleenex and when you are ready, helps you move beyond the pain. Please keep posting....we hear you
Horse Crazy
Bi-polar I; rapid cycler; Lithium 600
Requip XL 8mg; Lamictal 200 mg; seraquel 450mg, klonopin 4mg
 


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/20/2010 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey cateyes, sometimes the pain we feel hits us all at once and it seems like nothing will ever be right in the world again. But we do get better and have better days and better months and even better years ahead of us. Yes your children have challenges ahead of them, but you know what, they are lucky they have a mom who understand what BP is and how it affects people. Many people on here have family members who do not accept the BP condition. You have the inside track to help them.

And you know what, you could have been completely normal in every way and still had children with this problem. Then you wouldnt have the knowage of BP and how it affects you.

I'm not religious, but i am very deeply spritual. I do believe we were put on this earth for a reason. We each have a road to walk, a path to follow, and at times yours is going to be harder than mine, and at times mine will be harder than yours. That is the nature of who we are and what we are. So along the way we pickup friends,, lovers, (in my case puppy's) to help us on the road. You have been blessed with emotiones that run so much deeper than normal people will ever feel. However they come at a steep price, and lets just say the instruction book on this thing called BP was lost a long time ago. So we make our way the best that we can. Mourn the loses, celebrate the victories. Just like normal people do.

Yes you are BP, but the cateyes i know is also so much more than that. She is a beautiful lady, wonderful mother, great online friend, and im sure a wonder SO. You have made past mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and try not to make the same mistake again. And if you do, get up, dust yourself off, and try your darnedest again.

In the end, our lives arnt about the destinations that we reach, it is all about the journeys that we take to get to them. All the great religious teachers understood that the journey was what was important. And you will be a great teacher for your children becasue you have walked this wilderness and have found your way home. And you can teach them the way.

All the hugs i can legally give you by law. tongue tongue tongue smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin


Bill
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


Cateyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 6/20/2010 8:32 PM (GMT -7)   
How is it I can talk to my soon to be divorced husband and he has no emotion for me at all. I so feel like a piece of garabage all used up and thrown away. I have never met a human so cold and dispondant from feelings. Or is it that I feel to deep and even when I say goodbye to someone it still breaks me into a million pieces. Goodbye is painful rather it be in divorce, friendship, death, or tragedy. Maybe I am alone in this but I do not like good byes on any circumstances. I need to figure out how the rest of this screwd up world works because I care way to much and am trampled on far to many times for my own good. I just fall for people's illusional behavior and my burst of energy is there because I really like this person they are pretending to be and then all of the sudden everything shifts thier different I'm different and the whole darn world just collasped. I have a therory that maybe just maybe I want greatness so bad that I am willing to sacrafice all that I am to get it. I have looked back at everyone whom I have ever had a lasting relationship with and realized that I have given up myself too many times to please them and when everything falls apart I am suddenly thrown into a tornado of all these emotions like who am I. I have spent so much time being who they would like me to be that I have lost track of who I am or ever was. Although I closed a chapter in my book I am begining a new one. The father of my boys a man in which is truely unique in everyway is trying his damdest to put our life back together and say ok you have grown I have grown lets focus on our children and make it work. Wow my head is in a tail spin because we have history together and I have been jaded so many times by others I am in awh. He is everything I wanted him to be 8 years ago. I think thats the problem. I can't believe in him because of what I have seen before but, he is busting his butt to make it up to me in everyway. Yes again we have history the only person who I was ever connected to in such a way that he understood my good and bad times just like I understood his but did I make excuses for him and let him off the hook when there was bad behavior. Can I look at him today for the man he is now and let my memories die. I want to I really do. I don't know if my pain isn't so severe that I can trust another human again. He loves his two boys and he has never lost the flame for me I think it's one of them everlasting loves only special people carry. He to is Bi-polar and I think thats why we get eachother. Our two children are Bipolar as well. Is this a deadly combination?
Bi-polar, Adhd, Anxiety disorder, PTSD with a child with ADHD BIPOLAR Anxiety


harrington49
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 6/20/2010 10:05 PM (GMT -7)   
TO HAPPY BILL:

Bill I am not BP but I was just surfing the HW forum sites. I want to congratulate you on your post to Catseyes, it almost bought a tear to my eye. You are a very special human being Bill. Keep up the good work.
Harrington49


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/21/2010 4:52 AM (GMT -7)   

 

   Cateyes. Men shutting down and becoming cold and methodical is a defense mechanism we use to handle things that are out of our depth.  I've seen it on the fireground when something very bad has happened. I have employed it myself concerning my wife when we are having troubles. Its just something that we do, how we are hard wired, not really a concious thought at all.  

    I'm also in teh same boat as you (Is this a BP condition?) I also give everything of myself only to have it seemingly thrown back in my face. I have to suck it up when she makes mistakes and i'm not allowed to say anything about that but boy let me make a mistake and she is all over me like a dog on a ham bone. 

   Plus we as BP people can move mountains, however we also need more care, love, tenderness, than normal people. We acutely feel the lack of things we need, and "normal" people cant seem to understand that this isnt a "want" Its a "need", just like food and water and air to breathe.

   ANd no, i dont think  a family of BP people is doomed to failure.  Sure you two have to watch things more closely than normal people do. But in the end you can give your children the understanding that they will need to grow up and manage this condition.

  Is he perfect? Nope, not by  along shot. But then neither are you. But are you perfect for each other? Thats the big question. Do i think you should take a chance on him, yes. You seem to have a real conection that only us special people can understand (a good side of BP) Once connected we can go years without seeing the other person then when we see them its like no time at all has passed. Don;t get me wrong, this will be  alot of work on your part and his. But if you can get past the history that was bad and start to make some history together that is good  then you have a real chance of making a life together.

   As allways we are here to listen and help you out. Lord knows i'm going to need to vent real soon. LOL LOL LOL

 

     Bill

 


 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.


Cateyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 89
   Posted 6/21/2010 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Bill it was much needed advice to hear someone backing me up on a decision that I am not sure of myself. Your a great person to confide in and I apperciate that very much. My heart is very shattered right now and it helps to just say that. I want to take a chance with this man who has farthered my children we had 8 long years together. He always had excellent qualities when he was sober but with him being an alcholic it was just very bad. Now he is sober and has been since the doc told him he was going to die 9 months ago. I sent my oldest son to live wth his mom and him and my x did an amazing job with my son he really proved to me that he can be a dad all by himself and that means more to me than anything. Thats what I needed more than anything. I just feel like he is the man I wanted 8 years ago why is he always late to the ballgame? I hope I can deal with that in my own way. On the flip side I tend to focus on how good hhewas to me when we were together instead of the horriable whiskey fights. I have also realized maybe I pushed or nagged and made him the person I did not want him to be so there is alot of work on my end as well. With him not drinking and me being medicated maybe we can make something out of eachother. I'm not sure if you believe in ESP but amazingly enough I always knew when something happened or was wrong with him when we weren't together. Does God make people that receptive to another human if it's not ment to be. His family and I have had a lasting relationship thats fairly great over the years so they are on board with us being together. My family is also supportive of it. I think we have a support system in place. I am very scared of a bad time though I will just be honest.
Bi-polar, Adhd, Anxiety disorder, PTSD with a child with ADHD BIPOLAR Anxiety


happy bill
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Nov 2008
Total Posts : 1132
   Posted 6/21/2010 3:07 PM (GMT -7)   
 
   Cateyes, of course there will be bad times, cant be helped. But plan for them, have all those support systems in place to help you through them. Do everything you can do now, before the storms come, to prepare both yourself and him for the trials ahead.
 
  In the end, thats all you can do. That and what  you can do to change yourself. Letting things go, not nagging, acceptance of others faults. These are all things that takes years to learn and master. Many people just quit because it is easier to do that then face up to years of hard work. But you know what? Even if you only managed two weeks of working on it you are just a little bit closer to the person that you want to be than if you hadnt tried at all.
 
   Personnel story here (G - rated, hard to believe, you all know how bad i've been.) shocked shocked shocked smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin      I have been racing bicycles for 21 years. Well over 500 races. I have never won once. Came close many many times but couldnt seem to find  away to win. But do i feel like a loser? Do i feel like all that effort was wasted on a lost cause? NO AND NO. I have 21 years of great memories to pull from that i never would have had if i hadn;t tried at all.
 
    Cateys i say it again and again. Celebrate every day you do well like you have won the superbowl. and work hard every day you fail to pick yourself up and try harder the next day. Not only will you find a new life for yourself, but you will show your children and those who love you just how committed and special you are.
 
   Good luck my friend.
 
    Bill 
 
   "If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"
 
   "It isn't my fault that i am BiPolar, It is my responsibility how i treat it so that i don't hurt others or myself."  Happy Bill
 
   Meds. Respirdal  0.5 a day, more if needed.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 10, 2016 11:10 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,736,221 posts in 301,362 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151452 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, sarajseri.
206 Guest(s), 4 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
c130j, bluelyme, NM12, julymorning


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer